I haven’t opened the curtains just yet. In about twenty minutes someone will be ringing the doorbell and I’ll sell my card game. After that I was planning on going to the cinema but I am considering reading something or just hanging out and maybe taking a nap. Last night it was a little late since I went to salsa in Deventer.
Salsa can be so much fun. Such fun! Hahahaha. This is a reference to a show with Miranda in it. I love watching a lot of British shows. I suppose to a lot of Dutch people they are unknown but I really do enjoy them: Taskmaster, The big fat quiz, The Graham Norton Show and Would I Lie To You. I think I know a lot of British comedians too and I liked going to The Secret Comedy Club in London.
Even though I don’t feel as relaxed as I can be, I really feel like I can give myself a pat on the back. I am swimming, doing salsa, kickboxing and going to yoga. I am really trying my best to take care of myself. Trying to eat healthy. I still do mindfulness every morning. Sometimes you have to give yourself a little credit. Go on, stay strong, be kind and have fun!
Well with those words I’d like to end this lovely blog for today. I hope you are doing well wherever you are and until next time! X
This is the last week of holiday before school. I’m not too cool for school, hahahaha. In fact, I feel like taking my books and going to the library today. It will be a good way of keeping my mind occupied and in the here and now. I am studying to become an English teacher. That is what I am doing now. I love it too. So, let’s gooooo!
I am going to have some breakfast. Pack some lunch maybe or get some lunch there… Oe that sounds good. Yes, I’ll have a shower and get dressed. What to wear? I might go salsa dancing tonight. Hmm, I think I am going to wear a dress or a long skirt. Yep, dress it is.
I’ll make courgette with paprika, feta cheese and some pomegranate seeds later this evening and then I can flee my house and go dancing in Deventer. I say flee, because I don’t want to talk too much. I might have something nice to say this time and not make it too heavy. I am going through a period where I am a bit off balance but I could back into balance again. Just talk a little less and make things a little less heavy. Who knows, I might find the balance sooner than I thought.
What a difference a day makes. It’s a song. It is the way I am feeling right now. Yesterday I had a pretty good day. I knew today was going to be less good. Hopefully I’ll want to go swimming in an hour. I might feel relaxed afterwards.
I am glad I only have one week left of vacation. I am looking forward to go to school and work. I am scared about the internship I have to do but let’s not focus on that. School will give me purpose and work will give me fulfillment. That’s good. I’ll smile going home wanting to tell my housemates how my day was. Work is such a pleasure. I love helping kids with language. Especially English. My mother tongue. The only language I spoke when I was little. A little Frances.
Little Frances is taped with her mom to see if she could go back living with her since her mom needed care for two years and little Frances had to live in an orphanage. Well, even though I love having the tape, I know it is going to confuse me right now. Lately, it just feels like there are so many thoughts swimming around that there is no room for here and now. Peace. Relaxation. Calmness.
So, what I am going to do is try to remain as calm as possible. Maybe I’ll cook myself a lovely dinner and afterwards give the plants some water if they need it and does anyone know a good show to watch? Something relaxing on YouTube or Netflix? It sounds like a plan. Or maybe chatting. But yeah I actually need some rest. Let’s see if I can manage that somehow.
I hope you are doing well wherever you are and until next time! X
I have opened my bedroom window. The curtains are open. The sunlight is coming in. My view is a tree that is catching rays of sunlight and its leaves are swaying in the wind. The sky is blue. I can hear my jazz music playing and I can hear the church bells ringing. Sunday has started.
Today a friend of mine will be coming over. We will be talking English the whole day. He is a childhood friend from Watford. A city near London. He is living in Amsterdam for two years. He’s coming to Zwolle again. My beautiful city. We’ll go bike riding and we’ll visit a tea house.
I have my dark blue bathrobe on and I am covered in dark blue sheets. I am surrounded by plants which I never used to have in my bedroom. Much better. There is a mirror that used to belong to my dad, a painting made by my mom, a lamp that used to belong to my dad. Toiletries, clothes and nightstands and two wardrobes. Just a small space to stand and admire yourself in the mirror. I think this mirror makes you look skinnier. I didn’t buy it with that intent and I am not sure what I think of it but you know what I think most days you should admire yourself in the mirror. I also admire myself for fixing the lamp my father used to own. The plug was British and I made it Dutch and now I can use it here. I did it all by myself. Well… I asked for instructions in the store and then I did it all by myself. I’ve also fixed my wardrobe quite recently. Never saw myself as a handy person and I don’t like putting things together after going to Ikea but I suppose I am not completely helpless haha. One day it might be even time to by a drill. Zzzzzzzzzzzz!
I wonder how your day is going so far. I hope you are enjoying the sunshine and had a good night’s rest sleep. I did luckily. I am going to have a shower in a minute and use new weird shampoo I bought at a hairdresser I recently went too. I think my hair is too short now. Oh well, it will grow. I love a long shower – sorry environment – but one day I hope to own a bath tub. That would enrich my life so much.
In a minute I’ll check what the weather will be like – I never used to do this and just looked outside – and will probably decide to wear a dress. I’ll do my hair which means I’ll put some product in it since I have curly hair and one friend made a comment and since then I am trying to get it to be less fussy and I actually like it better with a little product. I’l brush my teeth and I won’t put any make up on. Haven’t done that in years. I like my face the way it is. Nobody comments on me not having any make-up on. I suppose in the Netherlands we are pretty down to earth. After that I’ll take a look at our bike ride. I might be able to figure out which way to go.
I hope you are well and having a lovely time wherever you are and until next time! X
I have a dream Martin Luther King once said. Well, I suppose I have a dream too. I’m not completely sure what the dream is but I think I actually just deep down might know. Let’s start. What I am very sure of is that there is a kid in my life. Preferably a biological child. This could be a daughter or a son. What would their name be? Does that matter the most? Maybe not. I just want a kid in my life. Why? Because I will finally have the family I never had or maybe used to have but lost. And hopefully it will be better. The kid will have a well educated mom who has a job, security and money to take care of the kid. I want to put some money aside just in case the kid decides to go to college one day. The kid has to become her/his own person just like me one day. I want to encourage it in his/her dreams. But for now: my dream. I want to become an English teacher and I actually have a place in mind that could be perfect for me. It’s in my own city and a very creative school. Who knows, maybe one day they will have a spot for me. For the rest I hope to be able to do a sport/hobby at least one day a week and be able to be out of the house. This could be kickboxing, dancing, swimming, yoga. Something like this. I’ll have a wonderful nanny – just like I used to be – who will take care of the kid and hopefully have loads of fun with the kiddo. I might just want to become a mom by myself. I have always wanted to become a mom on my own and have one kid. It’s the way I grew up I suppose. The only thing that might change it is a partner who comes into my life that I love and will take care of and he of me and that he’ll love me of course but I am not sure if he will be the farther of my kid. It could also be a human being I meet later along the way. I know very clearly what I am doing. I have been studying for quite a while now and I know that I am nearly ready to buy that house with a garden and a bathtub that I have been longing for my whole life. Just a bathtub would be so amazing. I would spend loads of time in it and read books or just hang out. A house with a cat flap that will enable my cat Mause to go in and out of the house as he pleases. Let’s hope he won’t scratch my child. I’ll have to keep an eye on them. Oh, oh, oh. That cat. Silly cat. I love him though. I am glad he is here. Mausie. And I don’t think I need much more. The only very important thing is that I’ll still be able to see my friends and family and that with the help of a nanny or a friend who would like to look after my kid. Friends are everything to me. In a way they are family. I’ve lost a lot of family but I suppose I also gained family in a way. I’ll still see other family too from time to time. Maybe a birthday or another reason or just because I want to see them. Maybe the birthday of the kid. That could be a reason. Omg, this life just sounds so wonderful to me. Maybe I it won’t all be a bed of roses but somehow I believe in this dream. I might miss a partner from time to time but I think I’ll be able to connect with others in a loving and meaningful way and who knows who I’ll meet along the way. You never know. Yes, this is my dream. It is a very clear dream.
What will I be giving up for this dream? I won’t live with two of my wonderful friends any longer. I won’t be able to go on a holiday with them that easily any more. I won’t eat with them every week. I won’t listen to hear how their day was and be able to encourage them as easily as I do know in their dreams. I’ll be their friend though and I hope forever. They made such an impression on my life. They know me through and through and I know them through and through. They are like a brother and sister to me. It will be hard to say goodbye. But it’s not goodbye forever. One day we’ll just go our own way. That’s what life is I suppose. I won’t be able to do as many hobbies as I do now. Maybe I won’t be able to try something that easily. Something new. But I suppose somehow I always will. The kid will grow older too and have it’s own sport/hobby and I’ll have time to explore again too. I don’t know what my life will look like once the kids decides to live on it’s own but you never know. I might be happy being able to see my friends a little more and doing sports and hobbies. I might have met that wonderful partner. Somehow it sounds pretty nice to me. Maybe it’s because it’s my dream.
I have screamed, I have cried, I have felt mad and there it was: my scream for help and recognition was finally heard. You could say it came knocking at my door. It quite literally rang me. Hello said the voice. It was a woman of the age of 53 and she rang me. She was brave enough to call up a complete stranger and tell her story to me. I e-mailed around looking for other foster kids or orphans and there she was. She rang me. She lives close by. I might get the chance to meet her one day but for now I am already so happy with one phone call. I might call her again one day. There was so much recognition. This time it wasn’t Harry Potter or Batman or the hundred year old man who climbed out of the window and disappeared. No it was an actual human being on this planet who wasn’t a fantasy. She wasn’t a hero. She was real. Just like me. It immediately made me feel less weird. She said she always had known she was a little different. That you notice early on, little by little. Just someone else who was different made me feel less different. Finally, I am not the only one. Not the only one who went through trauma after trauma. Had a manic-depressive mom, had lived in an orphanage. We even recognised behaviour in each other. She was so nice to me. She even sent an e-mail afterwards saying I shouldn’t doubt myself. That was so touching.
Life is full of pearls of wisdom and laughter as I said in my previous blog. How amazing is this. Another person who just poured her heart out for me and I could too. We were safe together. Maybe there just is hope after all and I just get to be who I am with all my traumas and all my sadness and anger. I just get to be me. I can just be here. I wanted to say that I was allowed to be here. But I don’t have a boss that will or won’t allow me to live somewhere. I guess in a way I still have to get used to the fact that I make the rules. I am sitting behind the steering wheel. She recognised that you always take other people’s opinion very seriously. Luckily, we are also both very good at reflection and think to ourselves is that true what that other person said? And lately I am just thinking about what is good for me. Do I agree? Or do I want, need or think something else on the matter? I am really accepting that I am here. Here on earth. That I have my role, my space, my place. I can be here and I can be heard and my boundaries matter. I matter, I suppose. Even though we are all ants and dust in the wind, ha? Hahaha. But as long as I am here I might as well make something of it. Something beautiful. Just like she is doing. She is a teacher and a mother, has a husband and has this support group for foster children until the age of 18. She told me I might become an English teacher and next to it start a support group for adult foster children. I thought to myself I just might and that’s what I told her.
Wow. Just wow. I just never saw it coming. I just thought I would never ever meet another foster child who I would find some recognition in. She was there. And I know I am not the only one who lost her parents young. But those two people who told me they lost their parents didn’t have such a long conversation with me about it. Who knows, I just might still get a chance to speak to them. Maybe I am just on the right track. That’s how I experience it. Apparently when you look hard enough for something, you find it. Maybe that isn’t always true. But yesterday my wishes came true. It’s just so nice to not feel weird for once. To be understood. Through an experience and not just empathy or a sort of ‘I am so sorry for you but I don’t know what to do about it’ expression. I mean it’s not like I sometimes don’t know what to say to another person about their loss, but this was just like coming home in a way I guess. Recognition. Also, just the rattling on. Just like I do. You’re getting it out of the way. In a way it is a bit too much but at the same time we didn’t go on for too long and apparently, we both appreciated the conversation.
Life can be full of laughter. Love. Appreciation. Recognition. Help. Hope.
Sometimes I lose myself in all of my thoughts and emotions and sometimes even behaviour. I wish it was different and honestly, I think I have already made progress. I am capable of saying no to others and myself and I just need to keep practising it. If you imagine a pond and the ripples in it, one after another, you can also visualize the pond with a smooth surface. Sometimes it feels like the pond is overflowing. I guess everyone feels overwhelmed from time to time. Mindfulness teaches me to take a step back and just watch the show basically. As if you aren’t standing on stage but just next to it. As if there are a lot of cars passing by and you are not trying to chase them or trying to stop them but watching them go by. Sometimes I just get caught up by the storm. I am in the middle of the tornado and it feels like I have to go through it, but I am going to practise not going to the middle of the tornado and saying no. No thank you brain, another day. Not today brain. Thank you brain for this insight, but you have a lot of thoughts. Thank you for this thought and I would just like to say no. You have to treat yourself like you would treat a friend. With kindness.
Talking about friends, they are here for me. I went through a break up and it leaves you feeling a bit meh. Sad, confused, insecure, angry and maybe also a bit good. As if you finally find the time for yourself and also see that maybe it just didn’t work. That there are people who love me just the way I am. With all of my good sides and all of my ugly sides. That sometimes two people meet and really like each other but it’s okay and just doesn’t work. It is what it is.
Friends, family, plants and the cat are bringing me joy at the moment. I’ve lost myself in taking care of the plants. I suppose it is therapeutic. I just really like the sight of happy plants that are growing and thriving. I like the responsibility of giving them shade, water and enough room to grow, earth that is fertile and taking away burnt or dead leaves and giving the plant all the energy that it needs to grow new healthy leaves.
I hope you are having a good time wherever you are and until next time! X
I am not in the best mood unfortunately. I got stung by a wasp again. This time my foot looks like big foot. Well, it always looked like big foot, but now it’s also swollen. Maybe a foot out Lord of the Rings. Less hair and more redness. Oh oh oh.
I am trying to find a specific table for in my bedroom. I’ll have to try another thrift shop. Unfortunately, I don’t think my foot likes all the walking. But I just might go to another thrift shop and to a flower shop. I don’t give up that easily.
I’ve got a beautiful plant in my bedroom since a few days. It is hanging from a hook in a macrame holder. I love it. I hope the plant is happier at this spot. At the other spot the leaves got burnt by the sun. It looks better.
My cat is visiting me quite often, which I enjoy. He likes to hang around. Next to me on the sofa or he likes to play with a piece of string. He also likes the new plant which is catnip. Hooray for Mause!
I hope you are having a good time wherever you are! Take care and until next time! X