I am listening to the band ‘Cigarettes after sex’. It’s dreamy and sad music. Fitting for me at the moment. I am sleep deprived, in mental and physical pain and I would love some help. Luckily, I do get help and I also ask for help. I went to my GP once again. After six weeks of physical pain I hope they will finally figure out what’s going on. I am a bit done. Done with a lot of things. But I keep going on. That is what I have learnt. Hiding doesn’t make anything better. You have to push, go on, stay strong. Whatever being strong actually means. I feel really vulnerable actually. Tired.

We have a new housemate. I miss the harmony. I miss old times. I am scared and stressed. It’s a big adjustment living with someone you don’t know. She also brings her date to our house a lot. It feels like living with two new people. It’s a bit much for me at the moment. Who knows, it might just all fall into place. All the pieces of the puzzle.

You have to look for the silver lining. An attitude of gratitude as my app ‘Headspace’ would say. Regarding this, I have made an Instagram post where I am grateful for all the people who were with me while I was in London. I thought it was a tough time. Two months abroad is fun. Four is too long. Especially in such a big, loud, chaotic city. It’s just not for me. Maybe for someone else. Everyone is different just like the book ‘The tale of Johnny town-mouse’ says which is written by Beatrix Potter. My mum used to read ‘Peter Rabbit’ by Beatrix Potter to me. In this book ‘The tale of Johnny town-mouse’ particularly, it becomes very clear that some mice like the city and other mice prefer the countryside. Well, that’s one thing: I am glad to be in Zwolle. It’s a green city. I know it well. It’s so nice to walk into a store and know exactly where everything is and where to get what you need. Such as the ‘Hema’ or the ‘Albert Heijn’. Well known stores in the Netherlands.

Suddenly there is so much to do: festivals every weekend. I simply don’t have the energy. I have been so busy with schoolwork that there were friends I didn’t get the chance to see after six weeks. One friend I usually see every week. That’s just weird. Well, also quite good news: I’ve probably done a good job on my portfolio. Tomorrow I’ll hear if it’s okay and if so I am invited to talk about it and if that goes well I am finally done with the portfolio. Stink portfolio as a friend of mine would say, hahahahaha. I have actually learnt quite a few things while reading books and writing this huge portfolio. In a way it was psychology. It wasn’t only useful for becoming a teacher but just for life in general.

Today I am going to try and make it my day and just relax with myself. I hope I succeed in just taking some time for myself. Take care and enjoy your day wherever you are and until next time! X

Losing your parents isn’t easy. You miss them during all the new steps you make in life. I’ve also lost my grandparents and I remember the first new step I made and couldn’t call my grandma. This is what life is. I suppose I have to toughen up. Grow up. Be big. Whatever that means. Take care of myself. And at the same be sad that they aren’t here. No cuddles, no I am proud of you, no I love you, no questions about your life, no help, no base. It is as if the base is gone for a really long time and I just have to deal with it. Every big step that comes I worry who will be there to cheer me on or cheer me up. There is no love that you know is just there and you don’t have to question. So, I suppose I am left with having to love myself. As everyone. It is just really rough. I barely bump into anyone else with the same experiences. It makes me feel very different. I suppose I am. I suppose it is a very different situation to others growing up and I wouldn’t wish it on someone else. I know there are other orphans out there but I have never spoken to one my age. I am 28 now and I have the desire for recognition. I find it a little in others who feel lonely sometimes or miss a parent. They know that the date of their death is a big deal or that every new step is to be done without them.

I still panic at every step. As if I can’t carry or bear the loneliness. I can totally do every step that comes my way. It’s just that I miss that special person by my side who will comfort me or say that they are proud. I guess I am finally accepting that this is what it is. They are dead. Gone. They won’t come back. No one to be angry with, happy with, share sad moments, help each other, be interested in one another. It is what it is. And how do I wish that it was different. Maybe the longing will never leave. The longing for an arm around me, some words of consolation. Just that they are there. It’s something to deal with.

On the 15th of June I watched a video of me and my mother. We are so alike. Our intonation is even the same. Our laugh is the same. Our interest in another is the same. It goes as far as asking the same question twice just to get the message of the other across. That is what it means to be really interested I suppose. I never got the chance to become my own person though. We were really close and then she died. I suppose my view of love is a bit tainted. Tainted with child love that you just fuse together while you actually are you own person and not everything about you is the same as your mom.

I don’t let panic overwhelm me so far that I am not able to drive a car, work or find my own place for example. I have finally figured out that you have to choose a partner that is good for you and not just the next that comes along. I keep in contact with family and I don’t just cut off all contact. I love harmony. Yes, I am different to my mom. And we are also the same. I call others when I am overwhelmed, I am scared of numbers, forms and anything technical whilst I can also fix things. I am in your face, flirty, have international friends, love dancing and writing. I am full of life just like both my parents were. A bit boundless. That is something that I am learning too. Taking care of myself and seeing my limits. Saying no. Maybe next time. It’s part of life. And people in the Netherlands are direct. So. Yeah, might as well be. I like to have tact though. I don’t like hurting others and if there is no need, why would you?

Who knows, maybe there is a pen pall or someone out there going through the same. Someone who wants contact. Or someone who just takes consolation in reading this. I suppose I always wanted to write a book to be understood. Maybe this blog is my way of showing: this is what my life is like and it is a bit different. It is what it is and maybe you find some consolation in it. Maybe some recognition or empathy. We have to deal with all parts of life: hard, fun, beautiful and so on.

I hope you have a lovely day wherever you are. Until next time! x

I am starting to fall in love with the Netherlands. I like my green city and especially the people I get to hang out with in it. My housemates are like my brother, my sister, my friends and the little angle on my shoulder that looks out for me. They are special and they know me for nearly four years now. We live together and it’s almost as if we are a little family. I don’t think we have much secrets from each other. We can talk freely and laugh as hard as we can. This weekend we built a fire. It got big and we used cinnamon to spice things up. It gave beautiful sparks. We also made our roof terrace beautiful with plants. We have a fig tree now. I have bought some sunflowers. It makes us happy. The neighbour and I try to water the plants every day since the sun is shining a lot. We enjoy meals together and just hanging out whilst talking about the news, art, history or something very random and funny. I am lucky to have them in my life. This is what home feels like. People that you feel close to and can be yourself around. We are all a bit quirky which makes us fun. Everyone has their own style. I think we learn a lot from each other. We listen and try to help and advise one another. We learn how to cook dishes from each other and we try to inspire each other by doing sports and enjoying hobbies. We also like to go on holidays and days out with each other. I am really lucky.

We used to have a neighbour who we hung out with quite frequently but just when I came back from London, he left for several months to Switzerland. Sometimes I think of him and I have missed him. It’d be fun to get ice cream together. We are all getting closer to a different neighbour now who is taking care of the plants. He’s funny. But yeah I really do miss that one neighbour who I also became really close with. I hope he is having a good time in Switzerland. His brother misses him too. I have no idea what life must have been like without me here for those four months. It must have been different. I am happy to be back.

I am getting to the last bits of my big portfolio. It is a lot of reflection. Let’s hope it is professional enough. We’ll see. I am even not showing up for the most part of a festival, so that I can work on this portfolio. I am really trying my best. I am also trying to relax where possible and cleaning my rooms. I put my drumkit away. Most of it. It’s for sale. If you are interested or know someone who is: please let me know. It might be sold next week. Who knows. It gives more space to walk around freely and enjoy my balcony.

I enjoy dating and spending time with my cat. I am dating this really cute boy. Or man I must say. He is the same age as me. He got me flowers the other day. They are fully blooming now. I took loads of photos of it. I am listening to a lot of romantic music. We enjoy cooking and eating together, hanging out, playing board games and going outside and being in nature. I am happy to have met him and taken the initiative to go out together a lot of months ago. He is just so much fun. We tease each other and laugh. My housemates like him too. He is a friendly giant. Yes a giant. People in the Netherlands are tall and so is he. He towers above me and his feet are bigger than mine. Haha, that is a big deal since my feet are huuuuge and I am always making jokes about it. We’re having fun.

I am also starting to feel a bit better and less stressed. Work is also going well. I am still enjoying swimming. I have skipped salsa though. Who knows, I might pick it up again. I’d also just like to dance at a bar. Who knows, maybe someday soon. Haha, that’s a contradiction. I like words. I love language. I love sounds. I love to learn it and to teach it to others. I think most of my students feel very safe in my presence. They are quite open with me. Just the other day I bumped into a student in the supermarket and she told me about her project with coke and mentos. Very enthusiastically. I enjoy those moments.

The upcoming days I won’t be able to enjoy the sun as much since I’ll be working on my portfolio but I hope you do if you have the chance. Until next time! X

Yes, you read that correctly. My cat is humping my sheets and purring. I’ll just let him walk around my bed and put his claws in and out of the sheets. He’ll stop in a bit and lie down. The new food I bought for him is great. He is loving it. He also slept at our place just a few days ago. For the first time in a very long time. He slept on the stairs. His place. He likes it there. My silly cat. Sometimes I think his eyesight is a bit off. If you hold a little treat for him in your hand it takes him ages to find it and so it is the purrrfect moment to make fun of him. I sometimes call him fat or retarded in a sweet voice. Something I’d never say to a human but you know when I call Mause a fattie I am not even trying to hurt him. I say it in the same tone as I would say sweetie. I once bought lion manes for him and put it on his head. Oh… How he hated that. We thought it was hilarious. You got to have a little fun with your cat. Mostly, I am really nice to him though. He can get a bit aggressive but if you know him, you know exactly where to pet him and where he doesn’t like it and then he doesn’t scratch you. A cat with character. That’s what I like to call him. He’s done humping the bed and just left.

Today I am a month in the Netherlands. It is really nice to be here. I got great news by the way. I managed to complete my minor. That means all the hard work I did in London has been seen and I made it. I have done it. I finished it. Well, so my teacher in the Netherlands thinks. For my education here in the Netherlands I passed. That’s great! A step closer to becoming an English teacher.

I am also working really hard on my portfolio which is getting better everyday. I am also dating again. Doing therapy. Seeing friends. Trying to fit in time to be nice to our new housemate. Next to all of this I am also grieving. On the 15th of June my mother died. I always find June a hard month. Father’s day is also coming up. I can’t buy anything for my father. He’s dead. I might just light a candle this month but I have learnt to prioritize my schoolwork and so I will. I’ll focus on my portfolio and if I want to remember my mom sometime later this summer I will make time for it. It’s not like my love for her or my memory of her is suddenly gone if I don’t do something special on the 15th. In June there are always deadlines for school. So, I have to. I have to focus and so I will.

My cat just jumped back on the bed. He’s going to chill out while I work on my portfolio. I am enjoying the jazz music that is playing. It is nice weather. Who knows, I might make some time to have a walk outside. This evening I’ll see some friends. It feels a little bit like we are celebrating that I have finished my minor. Honestly, it makes me so happy. Now, my London time has a silver lining. I did it! I survived London! I just did it. BAM. Haha.

Well, I hope you are having a good time wherever you are and are kind to yourself. Enjoy the weather if it’s good weather and until next time! X

Time flies. You’re supposed to say when you’re having fun. I mean I am also having fun but I am also really struggling. I am someone who has a pretty high standard when it comes to social behaviour and expect a lot from myself and from others. This costs a lot of energy. Especially when you are seeing people after four months. Plus, everyone wants to know how my time in London was. Let’s just say it was a little bumpy. I managed but it wasn’t easy. I am very proud that I went though and I wouldn’t want it any other way. I am glad that I went. Let’s just say I am still really tired.

I am trying out new routines. I tried kickboxing and dancing at my former dance company but I guess for now it just doesn’t suit me. Maybe I am also just looking for safety by sticking with things that have been part of my routine for four months and just want to keep doing the same. Now I dance salsa in Deventer and I swim. Swimming and salsa; just like in London. Comforting. Not completely the same but still very similar. I enjoy doing both. Swimming makes me aware of my mind and body and dancing salsa is just pure pleasure. It makes me smile.

I am also working on a big portfolio for my education. Since I am lacking in energy it gives me anxiety whether I’ll finish it in time before the deadline and whether it will be good enough. I must say I think I am doing pretty well so far.

Next week I am going to a new hairdresser. It is called ‘The Hair Garden’. They are environmental friendly. Good thing since I shower too long, occasionally eat meat and sometimes drive in my car. I prefer the train though or walking or biking. Biking is just bliss. Pure bliss. Everyone bikes here! In my little city. Compared to London it feels like a village. Nearly every time I go outside there is someone to say hello to. I mean that is lovely if you are in the mood for it but if you aren’t it gives me a bit of anxiety. A friend told me you don’t always have to say hello. I think that is good advice.

It’s nice weather. I am wearing dresses and putting on sunscreen. Tomorrow it might rain. Even though it is such nice weather, my cat is still interested in coming home. Usually he isn’t too bothered and he’d rather come home in the winter but he likes to come home now and I try to give him a lot of attention. I have also bought new food for him.

Next week our new housemate is coming. Exciting and scary. It might be a really good change for all of us. ‘Een frisse wind’ as we would say in Dutch. Haha.

Wish me good luck adjusting and settling here and I hope you are having a good time where ever you are! Until next time! x