I have screamed, I have cried, I have felt mad and there it was: my scream for help and recognition was finally heard. You could say it came knocking at my door. It quite literally rang me. Hello said the voice. It was a woman of the age of 53 and she rang me. She was brave enough to call up a complete stranger and tell her story to me. I e-mailed around looking for other foster kids or orphans and there she was. She rang me. She lives close by. I might get the chance to meet her one day but for now I am already so happy with one phone call. I might call her again one day. There was so much recognition. This time it wasn’t Harry Potter or Batman or the hundred year old man who climbed out of the window and disappeared. No it was an actual human being on this planet who wasn’t a fantasy. She wasn’t a hero. She was real. Just like me. It immediately made me feel less weird. She said she always had known she was a little different. That you notice early on, little by little. Just someone else who was different made me feel less different. Finally, I am not the only one. Not the only one who went through trauma after trauma. Had a manic-depressive mom, had lived in an orphanage. We even recognised behaviour in each other. She was so nice to me. She even sent an e-mail afterwards saying I shouldn’t doubt myself. That was so touching.
Life is full of pearls of wisdom and laughter as I said in my previous blog. How amazing is this. Another person who just poured her heart out for me and I could too. We were safe together. Maybe there just is hope after all and I just get to be who I am with all my traumas and all my sadness and anger. I just get to be me. I can just be here. I wanted to say that I was allowed to be here. But I don’t have a boss that will or won’t allow me to live somewhere. I guess in a way I still have to get used to the fact that I make the rules. I am sitting behind the steering wheel. She recognised that you always take other people’s opinion very seriously. Luckily, we are also both very good at reflection and think to ourselves is that true what that other person said? And lately I am just thinking about what is good for me. Do I agree? Or do I want, need or think something else on the matter? I am really accepting that I am here. Here on earth. That I have my role, my space, my place. I can be here and I can be heard and my boundaries matter. I matter, I suppose. Even though we are all ants and dust in the wind, ha? Hahaha. But as long as I am here I might as well make something of it. Something beautiful. Just like she is doing. She is a teacher and a mother, has a husband and has this support group for foster children until the age of 18. She told me I might become an English teacher and next to it start a support group for adult foster children. I thought to myself I just might and that’s what I told her.
Wow. Just wow. I just never saw it coming. I just thought I would never ever meet another foster child who I would find some recognition in. She was there. And I know I am not the only one who lost her parents young. But those two people who told me they lost their parents didn’t have such a long conversation with me about it. Who knows, I just might still get a chance to speak to them. Maybe I am just on the right track. That’s how I experience it. Apparently when you look hard enough for something, you find it. Maybe that isn’t always true. But yesterday my wishes came true. It’s just so nice to not feel weird for once. To be understood. Through an experience and not just empathy or a sort of ‘I am so sorry for you but I don’t know what to do about it’ expression. I mean it’s not like I sometimes don’t know what to say to another person about their loss, but this was just like coming home in a way I guess. Recognition. Also, just the rattling on. Just like I do. You’re getting it out of the way. In a way it is a bit too much but at the same time we didn’t go on for too long and apparently, we both appreciated the conversation.
Life can be full of laughter. Love. Appreciation. Recognition. Help. Hope.
Yesterday I danced in the rain. It was great.