It is so nice to be able to put on some lo-fi music and just sit by myself under the covers and write. I enjoy writing. It is as if things become clearer in my head. I felt restless today. A little sad. I decided to keep on doing things. Swimming was nice though. I did some grocery shopping for all the visitors I’ll have in the upcoming days. That is nice though. Less lonely. Even though living by myself is a huge improvement to living with a housemate I couldn’t stand, it does get lonely sometimes. Luckily I know a lot of lovely people and they are coming for dinner. I am also contemplating writing a letter to all of the neighbours with my number and a little bit of info such as that I am a tutor or that I could possibly babysit their children. That they could come over for a cup of tea. I think it would be a nice gesture. We don’t all need to live separately from each other. I could do with some connection myself and who knows, maybe the neighbours too. This is also how I met people in London. Just housemates. I don’t have any housemates anymore but I do have neighbours.

I am allowed to dance and swim again. My toe and back still hurt a little but maybe I can find a solution to that too. And just exercising would be good. I need to stay in shape. It will leave me feeling better. I am going to try and swim more often. I was comparing myself to others which I rarely do and I looked at my reflection in pictures and it didn’t make me happy. Then it’s a sign I suppose. Well, that is good to know. I will try to work on it. Work out a little more and try to stop eating when I am full. Seems doable. Going swimming during the weekend and on Mondays and going to salsa on Fridays. It seems like a plan.

I just don’t know how to manage my emotions. Well, if everything is easy and breezy I am fine but with big disappointments I just feel like there is no way out. I feel unsafe and unloved and sometimes I just become hopeless. It is my least attractive trait. I really wish I didn’t have it but I also know that it might never leave or that I need to become a little older to be able to be nicer to myself and better deal with energy management. This might contribute to a calmer state of mind. I am also seeing a therapist. This might help too. Maybe I am just doing what I can and I am working on it as much as I can.

Sometimes I forget my good traits. Charming, a connector, emphatic, creative, playful. Those are five traits that I appreciate. Do I? I like them. Maybe I should learn to appreciate them. Appreciate myself. I can actually love myself. Mindfulness helps to bring this feeling to life. Loving myself no matter what. No matter what I have been through, no matter what choices I made, no matter what I thought or did or said. Unconditional love. A good friend of mine spoke about forgiveness. Forgiveness is important. This is also something I shouldn’t lose out of sight.

Writing has such a calming effect on me. I hope you have a similar thing in your life that brings that kind of calmness to your life. I hope you are having a great time wherever you are and until next time! X

Grey hairs everywhere! Hahahahahaha! Most of my friends are younger. Maybe I am just very playful and they suit me well. I have one much older friend. I think he is one of my best friends if not my best friend. Maybe age doesn’t say that much.

Yesterday was so much fun. I celebrated turning 29. We danced on the table, the sofa and eventually in a bar. I am a little tired now but I loved my party. I got a few compliments and people who were really happy to be there. That really brought me a lot of joy.

Moments spent together can be the most wonderful moments. Blowing bubbles, playing games, dancing. Most of all: Laughing. A friend of mine made a joke and I kid you not: I laughed for about 5 minutes.

I spent most of the day preparing: Going to the market and supermarket, cleaning and preparing snacks. Luckily a friend helped me carry the heavy drinks from the supermarket to my place. He had never sat in the car with me before. I am such an adult. My own car, my own place. OLDIE haha but GOLDIE.

I’ve just come to realise that I don’t want to become an English teacher. I want to become an interviewer and a writer. Somehow, I just know that I want to publish at least one book. I want it to be insightful. Probably to me. There is a thirst for knowledge. About my life. Past events. Future events. What to choose right now. There is a real interest in how others go about their lives and why they make the choices they make. I love talking and not just about the weather. I choose friends who are studying philosophy and I talk with a therapist. I watch interviews with Mr. van der Kolk and Mr. Peterson. I hope to learn more about life. About traumas, coping and how to live a life that is good for me and others. I do mindfulness every morning. It is a way of noticing what goes on in the body and brain and noticing the breath. It can be very calming. It is a good way to start the day, since I’ll be calmer and can give more to others. I can be more present and less overwhelmed.

I know I have at least a year left to finish my study. This study allows me to become an English teacher. I could have already had a job in this field but apparently, I choose not to. It doesn’t mean that this job doesn’t suit me at all. I have been a tutor for three years and I love that job but what I loved most about it is that I got to chat with the children and I got to ask them how they were doing and what they wanted to do in life. I loved those conversations. I loved feeling connected to them. Merely checking if they knew English words, wasn’t necessarily that interesting. Helping them prepare for a presentation or helping them write a letter or helping them to pronounce a word was more challenging and therefore immediately more engaging to me.

It is hard to find that one on one engagement in my classrooms sometimes. I do have these lovely conversations but I think it is mostly the classroom management that absolutely sucks the life out of me. So does teaching grammar. I like a more immersive approach and this is why I always speak English to them. You never know how life will go. I might find my next internship more engaging and I might have less police work to do. Deep down I do know that I won’t be a teacher for the rest of my life. I just know that that creative part of me will come knocking at my door asking me to do something with it.

I hope you find something in your life that is meaningful to you. We only have one life. I hope you find a place you fit in and that suits you. Nice colleagues that you can cooperate with. Maybe it is not reasonable or practical that everyone can pursue something that fits that like a glove but in an ideal world you would hope that. At least that everybody would search for something that suits them. Eventually it will help everyone. Bring light. For everyone else and yourself.

I hope you are having a great time wherever you are and until next time! X