Tiring but inspiring

One day I’ll fall head over heels. I really think so. I don’t think it is now. Maybe when I am a little older and a little wiser. When I have grown mentally. Who knows. Everyone can tell that I am growing and changing every year.

Another internship is done. It was one of the hardest. I kept raising my voice and telling kids to leave my classroom. It was exhausting. Luckily, I also got the opportunity to teach and actually get a few kids inspired. Interested in reading or using Grammarly.

New beginnings. Starting as a volunteer at the library. New therapy. Starting bachata lessons. Cooking a lot for myself and others. Trying new recipes. Playing scrabble and others games. Started kickboxing again.

Living with my cat is also new in a way. He is 24/7 at my place and he even sleeps on my bed now. I don’t have a door to my bedroom… But I do appreciate having him around. He likes to sit close to me and I like to play with him too. His presence is sometimes already really nice.

Buying all kinds of new furniture and second-hand furniture. Also, doing a lot of the chores all by myself. Such as fixing the dishwasher or the sink. Taking care of the litterbox. It’s just all extra chores I didn’t have before. But I guess I can be proud of doing it all and getting some help here and there. Furthermore, I am selling books, tables, shoes and so on. Trying to make some space too. I gave some clothes to a second-hand shop. I might earn just a little there.

It has been a tiring journey living by myself. But it has also given me a lot of space. Space in a physical sense but also choosing who to be around which in turn causes more relaxation in my head.

I hope your on a good journey. I hope you are having a great time wherever you are and until next time! X


I haven’t written in a while. I have decided to give some reflection a go today. It’s a new year. I don’t believe that I have changed that much. Not in these few days but a lot of things have changed. A year ago I left to London and now I am in my own place. After living in dorms for about 11 years, I have finally made the decision to live on my own. I really wanted to leave because I didn’t click with this girl who was new in our building but I could’ve chosen for another dorm but apparently I felt that it was time to live by myself. A more spacious place. I have been fantasising about this for so long and I think apart from a bath tub the dream has come true. I didn’t imagine living in the city centre but it is very convenient. Maybe cool but I don’t really care about that. I like that everything is nearby and that I can be there in five minutes or even quicker.

I have done a pottery class. A workshop. It was a lot of fun. I didn’t expect it to be so much fun. The instructor was fun. I had a funny friend with me and there was this other interested woman who asked a lot of questions. She was about our age which was nice. My friend isn’t able to do the full course now but maybe we will do it later in the year.

I have met a very nice neighbour and she might take salsa or bachata lessons with me. We enjoyed tea together on several occasions and we had a nice walk with my former housemate on New Year’s day.

I have decided to become a volunteer at the library. I am going to help others with language. I am going to teach Dutch. It is interesting how I am always going back and forth between these two languages. English and Dutch.

I will be starting a new internship this February. I will be teaching English at a very creative school in my city. I am excited. I only have to do four more portfolios and then I am graduated. I actually passed all of my exams. My Cambridge exams and a very big exam covering materials over more than two years of study and additional materials. For the upcoming half year I have decided to focus on one portfolio.

I have also decided on kickboxing. It is so much fun. I really enjoy spending time with my trainer. He is always giving you a riddle and making jokes. We enjoy each other’s company. Plus, I hope it will be good for all of my muscles.

I don’t think all of these hobbies or sports have that much to do with the New Year. I am always changing it up and trying new things. Kickboxing is familiar. I have been going to salsa evenings for free for a while but the lessons would be new. Pottery class later in the year will be totally new. As being a volunteer and a few mindfulness trainings given by my university. I did the same in London and Bristol though. I followed a few yoga/mindfulness lesson that were given by theuniversity/school. I might look up some additional lessons in my city.

I have to look at some tests my students made. So, I have to go. I hope you are having a great time wherever you are and until next time! X

Calming effect

It is so nice to be able to put on some lo-fi music and just sit by myself under the covers and write. I enjoy writing. It is as if things become clearer in my head. I felt restless today. A little sad. I decided to keep on doing things. Swimming was nice though. I did some grocery shopping for all the visitors I’ll have in the upcoming days. That is nice though. Less lonely. Even though living by myself is a huge improvement to living with a housemate I couldn’t stand, it does get lonely sometimes. Luckily I know a lot of lovely people and they are coming for dinner. I am also contemplating writing a letter to all of the neighbours with my number and a little bit of info such as that I am a tutor or that I could possibly babysit their children. That they could come over for a cup of tea. I think it would be a nice gesture. We don’t all need to live separately from each other. I could do with some connection myself and who knows, maybe the neighbours too. This is also how I met people in London. Just housemates. I don’t have any housemates anymore but I do have neighbours.

I am allowed to dance and swim again. My toe and back still hurt a little but maybe I can find a solution to that too. And just exercising would be good. I need to stay in shape. It will leave me feeling better. I am going to try and swim more often. I was comparing myself to others which I rarely do and I looked at my reflection in pictures and it didn’t make me happy. Then it’s a sign I suppose. Well, that is good to know. I will try to work on it. Work out a little more and try to stop eating when I am full. Seems doable. Going swimming during the weekend and on Mondays and going to salsa on Fridays. It seems like a plan.

I just don’t know how to manage my emotions. Well, if everything is easy and breezy I am fine but with big disappointments I just feel like there is no way out. I feel unsafe and unloved and sometimes I just become hopeless. It is my least attractive trait. I really wish I didn’t have it but I also know that it might never leave or that I need to become a little older to be able to be nicer to myself and better deal with energy management. This might contribute to a calmer state of mind. I am also seeing a therapist. This might help too. Maybe I am just doing what I can and I am working on it as much as I can.

Sometimes I forget my good traits. Charming, a connector, emphatic, creative, playful. Those are five traits that I appreciate. Do I? I like them. Maybe I should learn to appreciate them. Appreciate myself. I can actually love myself. Mindfulness helps to bring this feeling to life. Loving myself no matter what. No matter what I have been through, no matter what choices I made, no matter what I thought or did or said. Unconditional love. A good friend of mine spoke about forgiveness. Forgiveness is important. This is also something I shouldn’t lose out of sight.

Writing has such a calming effect on me. I hope you have a similar thing in your life that brings that kind of calmness to your life. I hope you are having a great time wherever you are and until next time! X

I turned 29

Grey hairs everywhere! Hahahahahaha! Most of my friends are younger. Maybe I am just very playful and they suit me well. I have one much older friend. I think he is one of my best friends if not my best friend. Maybe age doesn’t say that much.

Yesterday was so much fun. I celebrated turning 29. We danced on the table, the sofa and eventually in a bar. I am a little tired now but I loved my party. I got a few compliments and people who were really happy to be there. That really brought me a lot of joy.

Moments spent together can be the most wonderful moments. Blowing bubbles, playing games, dancing. Most of all: Laughing. A friend of mine made a joke and I kid you not: I laughed for about 5 minutes.

I spent most of the day preparing: Going to the market and supermarket, cleaning and preparing snacks. Luckily a friend helped me carry the heavy drinks from the supermarket to my place. He had never sat in the car with me before. I am such an adult. My own car, my own place. OLDIE haha but GOLDIE.


I’ve just come to realise that I don’t want to become an English teacher. I want to become an interviewer and a writer. Somehow, I just know that I want to publish at least one book. I want it to be insightful. Probably to me. There is a thirst for knowledge. About my life. Past events. Future events. What to choose right now. There is a real interest in how others go about their lives and why they make the choices they make. I love talking and not just about the weather. I choose friends who are studying philosophy and I talk with a therapist. I watch interviews with Mr. van der Kolk and Mr. Peterson. I hope to learn more about life. About traumas, coping and how to live a life that is good for me and others. I do mindfulness every morning. It is a way of noticing what goes on in the body and brain and noticing the breath. It can be very calming. It is a good way to start the day, since I’ll be calmer and can give more to others. I can be more present and less overwhelmed.

I know I have at least a year left to finish my study. This study allows me to become an English teacher. I could have already had a job in this field but apparently, I choose not to. It doesn’t mean that this job doesn’t suit me at all. I have been a tutor for three years and I love that job but what I loved most about it is that I got to chat with the children and I got to ask them how they were doing and what they wanted to do in life. I loved those conversations. I loved feeling connected to them. Merely checking if they knew English words, wasn’t necessarily that interesting. Helping them prepare for a presentation or helping them write a letter or helping them to pronounce a word was more challenging and therefore immediately more engaging to me.

It is hard to find that one on one engagement in my classrooms sometimes. I do have these lovely conversations but I think it is mostly the classroom management that absolutely sucks the life out of me. So does teaching grammar. I like a more immersive approach and this is why I always speak English to them. You never know how life will go. I might find my next internship more engaging and I might have less police work to do. Deep down I do know that I won’t be a teacher for the rest of my life. I just know that that creative part of me will come knocking at my door asking me to do something with it.

I hope you find something in your life that is meaningful to you. We only have one life. I hope you find a place you fit in and that suits you. Nice colleagues that you can cooperate with. Maybe it is not reasonable or practical that everyone can pursue something that fits that like a glove but in an ideal world you would hope that. At least that everybody would search for something that suits them. Eventually it will help everyone. Bring light. For everyone else and yourself.

I hope you are having a great time wherever you are and until next time! X

Adjusting to my new life

I am sitting on my sofa. My cat is close to me. I guess it is a scary time for him. After living at one place for so long and then a big change comes along, it means uncertainess to him. He jumps up on my lap, while he never used to do that. I guess it makes him feel more safe being near me. It actually calms me down as well. So, it has a good effect on both of us.

I can’t say that I miss my old place. It’s just that I was ready for a more calmer place. It’s very green here. There are blue tits, a robin and black birds. Flowers, trees and all the neighbours are very happy with my plants.

I finally had some time today to do some schoolwork. That is positive! And just having the maps of the U.K., America and Canada on the wall starts up a conversation when I have guests over which actually helps me study.

I guess through all of the changes and the bad news I just received, I am managing pretty well. My broken toe hurts and so does my back. I’ve ordered a lot of food lately, since I am too tired to even move a limb but I’ll get adjusted to everything and will have more energy left to cook. For sure.

New place

I’ve been living at my new place for a little over a week now. My old housemate just texted me with a joke about a famous football manager who’s English is infamous. Funny. Nice to hear from her. I haven’t had enough lunch and I woke up very early and my body is telling me to either eat and/or have a rest.

I just disoovered an L.P. Kiss me Kate. It’s great. I love it. The washing machine and the fridge are delivered. The first wash is already spinning in the washing machine. As we would say in Dutch: ‘kleine wasjes, grote wasjes, stop ze in de wasmachine’. It’s a song. A man also came to measure the glass in order to get better isolated glass in the windows. It won’t be here after the winter, though. That’s unfortunate. My sofa might take as long to be delivered. I’ve got a loan sofa though. That’s good. Now I can properly celebrate my birthday at my new place. I’m 28 and I have my own place. Who would have thought that. Plus, I’ve got a garden. In the city centre! Crazy. The only thing I still long for is a bath tub. I still have things to long for in the future.

Enjoying candle light and plants ❤

Mi casa

I’ve moved. Not to another city. Not to another country but just five minutes away. It’s really exciting. Also, stressful. My back hurts and I broke my toe. Got big feet, and sometimes my feet just get hurt. My friends helped me. We didn’t have much time to talk or catch up but it was great to have them there and the occasional joke was funny.

I really wanted to be here. At my new place. I’ve slept here for the past few days on a very thin mat on the floor. Mause, my cat, would sleep at the end of my bed. He does wake me up in the middle of the night. I think he’d rather be outside sometimes but he does like company. He comes and sits close to you and he purrs. Happy cat. He already made ‘friends’ with the neighbouring cat. They hissed at each other with a window between them.

I have discovered that I have a lot of plants and a lot of lamps. The plants are a bit overwhelming. I’ll need to find good spots for them since it feels a little crowded. My ginkgo isn’t looking too happy. They told me it needs water every day and I thought that can’t be true but it’s already getting yellow leaves. Another plant I chopped off accidentally. It might grow roots again. It was my favourite. I can buy a new one if necessary. One plant is hanging, but it used to get support while hanging in some ropes and was able to lean against said ropes. The rest of the plants look quite happy. Good to have a hobby I suppose. A hobby maybe gotten out of had a bit. I didn’t have much to do this summer and I just bought loads of plants and took care of them.

I need to figure out a way to hang up my sheets after they are washed. A new fridge, a new washing machine, a new hoover and a new sofa are all things I still need to get. I would also prefer some new chairs over the chairs I have now.

I’ve got a lot of extra space now and everything to myself. I won’t have to deal with girls who just turned twenty and I don’t click with who I share a floor with and more importantly a wall. Yep. It’s all over. I am all by myself now. Mausehause no more. I’ve lived with Anna for four years and with Jelle nearly for four years as well. Luckily I can still do all kinds of things with them. Cook together, celebrate my birthday and celebrate New Year’s Eve. And all that in my new roomy living room. What a life, what a life.

A new door is opened

It’s cold. My bed stands directly next to the huge window. Not for long, because in 6 days I’ll be sleeping at my new place. Yes, I’ve got a new place. I’m moving to a cute apartment on the ground floor with a garden. The view is lovely. There is a little park filled with plants, trees and winding paths. It’s finding little mysteries at every corner. It’s not that mysterious, since every weekend a load of people comes passing by with a guide who shows off the area. It’s not the best kept secret, this little garden in the middle of the city centre. It’s actually in the North. That finally makes it possible for me to get a parking space since I was already living in the city centre, but not in the North and apparently it comes with its perks to be living in the North. Now, it feels like I’m living near the North Pole. It’s cold, but not that cold.

I’ve been painting the walls white and driving my car full of plants towards my new place. Today I’ll be driving my car that way once again. Who knows, the neighbour and my former neighbour, who are friends, by the way, might come and help me out. I can count on a lot of help. That is lovely. It makes me feel loved, helped and safe. And, it’s gezellig. A word that can’t be translated from Dutch to English. It’s just nice to have loving people around and they give you that warm fuzzy feeling inside and you can laugh with them.

My mind is a little occupied by this move, but afterwards, I can get back to studying for my exams and therapy. I am actually looking forward to therapy. I know exactly what I want to talk about and who knows, it just might all hurt a little less with a few more insights.

Life moves fast. My life is moving at a pace I somehow manage to keep up with. There are beautiful things in my life and coming my way. Friends, family, a study that will turn into a job, my cat, my plants, my new place. Candlelight, a new sofa, a place to invite others to come and eat. And who knows, one day I might meet my prince charming.

I hope you are having a great time wherever you are and until next time! X

The door is opened to new possibilities!

Dancing, school and a handsome man

Yesterday was a lovely day. I enjoyed dancing with a handsome man. He is also very gentle, kind and funny. He likes the way I dance. I enjoy his company. He picked me up and brought me home. He went back to the salsa party and I went exhausted to bed.

It’s been a rough week. I cried during class. After class, a man came up to me and he thought I would share his worldview which very few people do at our school. He was in for a ride. That conversation got heated. He had made a few statements in class a while ago that shocked many students including me. This time, when he directly started talking to me, I didn’t hold back. I had to say what it did to me and that I hope he wouldn’t make me or anyone else feel the same way. That having an opinion was fine, but that he should be careful how he says things and that the classroom should be a safe environment. I think my message came across. We’ll see how things will progress.

For the rest, my internship is becoming very tiring. A teacher can totally relate to me. She remembers coming home after her internship and that all her limbs were heavy. It is a lot to take in and I want to be the best teacher for my students, but it is hard to be the best teacher when you are learning. At school, I’m being taught different methods and my coach has a different approach. On top of that, the students also have an idea of how it should be done. I will ask them for feedback and try to implement that to the best of my abilities.

I miss Mause when he is away, but I truly enjoy his company. I wish I could also see this handsome salsa man more often and I can contribute to that by going to salsa in Deventer on Tuesdays. Fun!

I’ll be checking exams in the upcoming days and also learning for upcoming exams myself. I’ll visit the market today and get some bread, cheese and bananas. I’ve got plenty of candles which means I will skip getting candles today. This evening I have a Halloween party. I’ll be dressed as a witch.

I hope you are having a great time wherever you are and until next time! X

Checking exams by candle light.