Realising

I’ve just come to realise that I don’t want to become an English teacher. I want to become an interviewer and a writer. Somehow, I just know that I want to publish at least one book. I want it to be insightful. Probably to me. There is a thirst for knowledge. About my life. Past events. Future events. What to choose right now. There is a real interest in how others go about their lives and why they make the choices they make. I love talking and not just about the weather. I choose friends who are studying philosophy and I talk with a therapist. I watch interviews with Mr. van der Kolk and Mr. Peterson. I hope to learn more about life. About traumas, coping and how to live a life that is good for me and others. I do mindfulness every morning. It is a way of noticing what goes on in the body and brain and noticing the breath. It can be very calming. It is a good way to start the day, since I’ll be calmer and can give more to others. I can be more present and less overwhelmed.

I know I have at least a year left to finish my study. This study allows me to become an English teacher. I could have already had a job in this field but apparently, I choose not to. It doesn’t mean that this job doesn’t suit me at all. I have been a tutor for three years and I love that job but what I loved most about it is that I got to chat with the children and I got to ask them how they were doing and what they wanted to do in life. I loved those conversations. I loved feeling connected to them. Merely checking if they knew English words, wasn’t necessarily that interesting. Helping them prepare for a presentation or helping them write a letter or helping them to pronounce a word was more challenging and therefore immediately more engaging to me.

It is hard to find that one on one engagement in my classrooms sometimes. I do have these lovely conversations but I think it is mostly the classroom management that absolutely sucks the life out of me. So does teaching grammar. I like a more immersive approach and this is why I always speak English to them. You never know how life will go. I might find my next internship more engaging and I might have less police work to do. Deep down I do know that I won’t be a teacher for the rest of my life. I just know that that creative part of me will come knocking at my door asking me to do something with it.

I hope you find something in your life that is meaningful to you. We only have one life. I hope you find a place you fit in and that suits you. Nice colleagues that you can cooperate with. Maybe it is not reasonable or practical that everyone can pursue something that fits that like a glove but in an ideal world you would hope that. At least that everybody would search for something that suits them. Eventually it will help everyone. Bring light. For everyone else and yourself.

I hope you are having a great time wherever you are and until next time! X

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