Calming effect

It is so nice to be able to put on some lo-fi music and just sit by myself under the covers and write. I enjoy writing. It is as if things become clearer in my head. I felt restless today. A little sad. I decided to keep on doing things. Swimming was nice though. I did some grocery shopping for all the visitors I’ll have in the upcoming days. That is nice though. Less lonely. Even though living by myself is a huge improvement to living with a housemate I couldn’t stand, it does get lonely sometimes. Luckily I know a lot of lovely people and they are coming for dinner. I am also contemplating writing a letter to all of the neighbours with my number and a little bit of info such as that I am a tutor or that I could possibly babysit their children. That they could come over for a cup of tea. I think it would be a nice gesture. We don’t all need to live separately from each other. I could do with some connection myself and who knows, maybe the neighbours too. This is also how I met people in London. Just housemates. I don’t have any housemates anymore but I do have neighbours.

I am allowed to dance and swim again. My toe and back still hurt a little but maybe I can find a solution to that too. And just exercising would be good. I need to stay in shape. It will leave me feeling better. I am going to try and swim more often. I was comparing myself to others which I rarely do and I looked at my reflection in pictures and it didn’t make me happy. Then it’s a sign I suppose. Well, that is good to know. I will try to work on it. Work out a little more and try to stop eating when I am full. Seems doable. Going swimming during the weekend and on Mondays and going to salsa on Fridays. It seems like a plan.

I just don’t know how to manage my emotions. Well, if everything is easy and breezy I am fine but with big disappointments I just feel like there is no way out. I feel unsafe and unloved and sometimes I just become hopeless. It is my least attractive trait. I really wish I didn’t have it but I also know that it might never leave or that I need to become a little older to be able to be nicer to myself and better deal with energy management. This might contribute to a calmer state of mind. I am also seeing a therapist. This might help too. Maybe I am just doing what I can and I am working on it as much as I can.

Sometimes I forget my good traits. Charming, a connector, emphatic, creative, playful. Those are five traits that I appreciate. Do I? I like them. Maybe I should learn to appreciate them. Appreciate myself. I can actually love myself. Mindfulness helps to bring this feeling to life. Loving myself no matter what. No matter what I have been through, no matter what choices I made, no matter what I thought or did or said. Unconditional love. A good friend of mine spoke about forgiveness. Forgiveness is important. This is also something I shouldn’t lose out of sight.

Writing has such a calming effect on me. I hope you have a similar thing in your life that brings that kind of calmness to your life. I hope you are having a great time wherever you are and until next time! X

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