Time passes

And I wonder what life will look like half a year from now and three years from now.
I wonder what it will look like next month and upcoming summer while this summer has not finished yet.

I look at my grey hairs and the pounds I’ve gained. I look at pictures and diaries from my past and I wonder…

Where will life take me?

I am so happy to write more books full of things I am grateful for or proud of or content with :). It gives me a positive feeling throughout the day. A certain focus. To focus on the things of joy, contentment and appreciation.

Sometimes I read those notebooks full of appreciation. They are filled with stories about others and how I enjoyed my time with them <3. Sometimes it is about the cat, or a hobby like painting or listening to music. Mostly about people and after that about food. Playing a game was noted. It’s funny, it’ll show me, what I am grateful for. I am very grateful for my neighbour and all her cups of tea and her help and the way she listens. A very caring person. I enjoy my walks with my cat Mause.

Maybe you are out there, looking at your past, wondering about your future and I hope that you enjoy your now <3. Sending appreciation to you all.

Wishing you a lovely day and until next time! X

A big new chapter seems to be coming. I hope in a few weeks or months I will know more about my plans. Whether all the circumstances will be right, whether the chance of new life will actually be happening. Life might change drastically.

There is so much beauty to life. Art, music, nature. I can immersive myself in it. I’m part of this. Life.

I’ll probably grow and stay more or less the same. The quirky, fun, alert, creative extravert so many people have come to know and love. I hope there are much more people to come and know and love.

England is where I’ll be going soon. I might make a new friend. Meet a few strangers. Might be lonely from time to time. Might take beautiful pictures, sing, make art, possibly dance. I hope it will be a holiday that makes a beautiful impact on my life. And who knows, maybe other’s too.

Life seems like it is looking up. Even though there are a lot more stressful events to come. Who knows, I might enjoy it. It might not be as stressful as I think.

I’m really trying to make something out of this life, going after the things I truly desire. I’m glad I get to be part of it. Life. Friends. Poetry, live music, conversations, art, being in awe of captivating lights, students who had a strong connection with me, a rose garden, people sitting on blankets in a park, people enjoying acrobatics, my friend feeling zen, painting, drawing. Life somehow feels more interesting. Stressful but maybe a little bit more mine. Where I dive into my past, my future and now, the ‘inbetween’, the place of rest, where you just get to be.

I hope you are doing well wherever you are. Until next time! X

When sadness

Feels like the sea

And the waves

Come crashing over me

The waves

Overwhelm me

If sadness

Was a storm

And you’re in the middle of it

But you have to go on

How do you become

A master of the sea?


Please sea
Will you see me?

When it is wind still

You are so pleasant

And tranquil

Peaceful

And maybe

Lonely

A ship

Out at sea
No land in sight

And I thought
It might

It might get better

Why does life
Sometimes

Feel like
A consecutive
of unfortunate events

Of waves
Raging
Aggressively

Nowhere to hide
Or to find
Peace

I wish
The sea
Would see me

Maybe I should take a look
At my reflection
And see
The loss
The pain
What I missed

Give my reflection
A hug
And say goodbye
To that young me
And see the resiliency
In me

Even though the waves
Keep coming
I am still here
And the sun will come up
For you
For me

Everywhere

De dagen
Vervliegen

Gedachten
Razen

Wolken
Verschijnen

En verdwijnen
Achter de horizon

Waar ze weer rijzen
En lijken
te wijzen

Op wat ik
niet weten
kon

❤

The day starts out cool. A fresh breeze. A bit of sunshine but I decided to sit on the cool balcony. I’m not wearing shades to look extra cool haha. That’s not my vibe anyways. I wear shades in the car. Such a practical Dutchie. I like being both Dutch and English. I like being bilingual. I like putting English words within a Dutch sentence. The other way round seems a bit weird though. Most people around the world don’t understand Dutch. I’d say if you are from South Africa, you’ll probably understand most, since the language is so similar and Flamish is basically the same language but for the rest, I don’t know. So, if someone knows where more Dutch is spoken, let me know.

My skin is slowly turning brown. My face is. Of course not my see through legs haha. But I am spending a lot of time outdoors, enjoying time by myself, with the cat or with friends. Getting to know people too or re-getting to know them. I suppose I am very extraverted. I like to hang out with people. Maybe that’s why being a teacher suits me so well. I love the part where I can interact with them.

I started my new job as a Dutch teacher for foreigners. First I was a little astonished by everything they couldn’t understand and now I am really happy to teach them. The second lesson went much better. I now know that I need to use images. Some of my students thank me for the lesson and some give me compliments. That’s heartwarming. Someone even told me I was smart, which I as a modest Dutch person smiled but didn’t respond to.

For the rest I enjoyed a party yesterday evening and I took a lovely poloroid photo with a friend of mine. I saw her parents for a bit. She had a fire going and lot’s of snacks. I ate too many of them, played a game and decided it was time to go home. A good opener for the weekend.

I hope you are doing well wherever you are and until next time! X

Dear orphans,

Welcome to your safe space. Feel free to e-mail me any time. I am one of you. I have been an orphan since I was a little girl. I moved countries and learned a different language. Life can be scary as an orphan. And so for all the orphans out there: I am here. I am now an adult and I care. I care about orphans and about loss and support. I am so lucky to have made long lasting friendships where I can be myself and feel supported and loved. I hope this for every orphan. That they can find a job, a place to live and above all love. Because that is what orphans lack growing up: support and love. To be cared for, to be seen, wanted, held, loved. As an orphan, when you grow up, you come to find, that you need to take care of yourself, as every adult has to do but orphans miss something fundamental: a base, a home to come back to, familiar faces, a warm welcome, a hug, warm words, support, love, encouragement, wise words.

And yes, orphans, we will long for this our whole lives. The longing for a loving and caring parent will never go away. It’s just that it isn’t there and it will continue to hurt. The thing is that what orphans can do is not live in the shadows. Ask for help, show yourself, be part of your community, contribute, be kind, loving and giving, be open to life, see the opportunities, grab life by it’s horns. Life is full of wonders.

Maybe that is why Amelie is my favourite film. A french film full of wonders. A film with a very generous character. Today I decided to send handwritten letters. It gave me a purpose and it felt like I sent love today.

Sending love ❤

Here with these words I can be myself. I can be with myself. And being with myself isn’t that scary. Even though sometimes it seems to be. Others showed me life is scary and that they needed help. When I feel sadness and anger, the feelings seem to shout help. Maybe it is my mother shouting help! Help, Frances, help me! I don’t know the way back home. I’m lost.

She was lost. She was restless. And sometimes I feel restless. Scared. Filled with rage. As if the feelings have pointy edges. Screaming: help, help! But so much has happened. So many wounds have opened, so much pain, damage, emotional and physical pain has come to me in life. And now, I am left with the wounds, with the marks, the scars. Left to my own devices on how to heal.

Luckily I have got intuition and people tell me I am good at reflection. I also have very loving friends. Understanding, really living through what I am living, rooting for me, hoping for me, helping me, caring for me. Giving me a card or a gift, sending me options for a place to live, going on a day out on the bike. Sometimes strangers or neighbours are so kind. So kind, it nearly overwhelms me. Sometimes the kindness makes me feel guilty as if I should do more.

Maybe that is my mother shouting help! I’m scared. I’ve always depended on her and she depended on me and of course you are depended on each other but she never found her footings, her bearings, her peace. There was nothing to come back to. And I do feel peace. I feel rest. I can feel relaxed. I can be with my emotions. Even though I sometimes do get overwhelmed and it is my task to be curious. Why am I scared?

How do I become myself, love myself, take care of myself, whilst being an interbeing, dependent of everything around her and at the same time independent. Maybe it has to do with peace, going back to peace. Being present, feeling what you are feeling or thinking, letting it be.

Letting it be, letting it go. Letting things go scares me. But I am probably past the point of not doing things that scared me. I can let go and so I do. I felt so much rage. It keeps coming. Feeling unheard, unseen, unloved, uncared for. The wish of the love, the care, the nurishment. The longing. The hope. The hope that is lost.

The hope I now have to give to myself. The love I have to give to myself. It’s there. The love just needs a safe attachment to myself. No need to be scared, no need to scream, to shout help, I’m here. I have always been here. I have got your back. I am here. I love you. I love you so much. I love your curls, I love your eyes, your softness, your openness, I love you. I love you for who you are. Even though that is scary. Because who are you? I am Frances. A being, just like another being. And I love.

I have love to give.

Sending love ❤

Life is changing. Big changes. I’m growing up and maybe I’m at the point where I’m not an adolescent any more but I am an adult. An adult that makes it’s own decisions.

All right then grown up who wants to depend on themselve and can depend on themselve. What would you like to tell her?

She is doing well. Even though there are so many tough things going on, you are going to work and setting steps to finding a new house and probably are soon going to have another environment. In several ways.

Everything seems to be changing. Except the plants and the cat, the same job, the same library I keep going to and friends who are still in my life. With some I’ve become closer. A lot of relationships are changing. What does that say?

I am I changing? Do I have different needs? Sometimes I feel conflicting feelings about choices and at the same time I don’t choose something on a whim. I carefully write down why I think something needs to be evaluated, what the pros and cons are and I think some more about it. I’ve thought so much for the past few weeks.

I feel like a break. Like going to salsa this evening. I couldn’t go to my dancing lesson yesterday, so maybe today I’ll go dancing.

Somehow in the midst of the storm I don’t feel panic. Sometimes sadness, anger, acceptance, hope and especially a certain surge in energy. A certain energy for life. Wanting to care for myself, wanting and hoping, going after goals, a life energy that feels like I never fully had before. I’ve felt it before but it is as if this feeling has grown. A certain way of saying I’ve got your back. You got it. Go get it. Go grab life. Grab it by it’s horns.

A certain feeling that I can deal with sadness, loss, anger, changes. That I can go for a walk, talk to a friend, draw for a bit, write for a bit and just feel okay. Go to work, teach students and feel like a fish in the water.

Maybe I’m just growing into my own. Really having my back, taking care of myself. Being the captain of my own ship. There were three nights that I didn’t sleep that much. For the rest I am sleeping better. I am knackered though. So many new things that my brain and body can barely keep up. But I am keeping up with it and I am pushing through.

See me go world, see me go. Grab life. Grab it! Go get it! I got it ❤

I wonder if I can handle this post. I’ve seen the bags under my eyes and my body feels heavy. My mind is racing.

What is all this racing around about? My mind wants to think, it wants to solve. My body wants to rest.

So many plans for today. Maybe too many. I cannot change them now.

And so, here I am. Lying on my big blue sofa. Listening to dreamy music and the cat snoring. Outside I can hear the birds chirping and cars driving by.

My feet hurt. I’ve walked a lot last week. I was in Marrakesh. It’s a big city full of scents and sights. Maybe shops, trinkets, scooters, bikes, horses, mules and people. A few squares full of handmade hats, shoes, art work, lamps, bags and clothes. There was a lot of food too. Great food. So many tajines. And one thing you could only get in Marrakesh: tajiyina. It’s a little different to the tajine. The food is made in a different pot. I also heard stories about a certain pot that was kept for several hours deep in the ground. They really take care of their food since they take their time. It’s delicious. Not too spicy and not too bland.

My behaviour during this week abroad wasn’t usual. I would raise my voice, I’d complain about my knees, head, stomach and all the fast walking. I’d try to plan getting money out of the machine in order not to get a bad price for it. I didn’t get much sleep and I was bleeding since I started my period, but didn’t let it actually go to full blast since I kept taking my birth control pill. This all became a lovely cocktail. My friend said at one point: ‘This is the first day you are not stressed’. We met other travelers. They were German and English. I could talk about my favourite British show ‘Taskmaster’. The other voyagers told me that had parties back at home inspired by the show. It cheered me up.

The last few days I’ve come to notice that I might be a film fanatic. I gave the German lady many recommendations for shows and films. Back at home I watched ‘The grand Budapest hotel’. I enjoyed the mystery and the cinematography. I love the art department, the music and the poetry. It was an exciting film with a good story.

There are many things floating through my mind. Mainly my future. I am wondering how to make the best out of it. I am very fearful. Fearful of failing. Not failing actually, more not being enough. By my standards it will probably never be enough. Everything has to be perfect. It’s exhausting.

I want the perfect house, perfect boyfriend, happy children, who are never sad or angry because of me, I want space for the cat and the birds, a garden, a bath, friends who visit me all the time, family that visits from time to time, and well you know: ‘happy ever after’.

Life just doesn’t feel that way. It feels like a constant struggle. Isn’t that life? ‘C’est la vie’, great film by the way.

Well, life is survival after all. And for survival, you have to adapt. And so, I’m constantly adapting. Am I enjoying it? Not really. Am I doing it? Yes, madam, I am.

Do I just long for no responsibilities and a care free life? Yes. Would it be boring and without any meaning? Maybe. Do I long for some rest? Definitely.

Some phrases fear me: ‘If nothing changed, I wanted to separate’. I feel like things have to change quickly. Otherwise…

Well yeah. Otherwise? I think things are changing. And that sentence wasn’t mine originally but others keep putting it in my mouth and now they have become my words: ‘If this doesn’t get better, if that doesn’t change…’

I’m not sure anymore. I feel like I am actually in a really good place and maybe I’m unable to see it. See it clearly.

Life isn’t that bad after all. I will get some more sleep, surely. I will continue to plan fun lunches, games and dates. Life isn’t lonely. But it is challenging. Who knew my biggest challenge wouldn’t be loneliness?

I just see so many clouds on the horizon. They are all coming for me, some are huge, grey and filled with doom, gloom and lightning. They are going to strike me. I must run, hide, figure out how to fight. Fight the clouds. While actually the blue sky has been there all along. Clouds pass. It’s just sometimes hard to see clearly.

This morning it was very misty. It has cleared. Now I can only see blue sky.

I hope you are doing well wherever you are. Until next time! X