Ik ken de kronkels van de tunnel

De donkerte die zo koud voelt

Woorden die tegen de muur weerkaatsen

En hard echoën 

Wat ben ik dankbaar dat er licht is

Licht boven me en naast me

Die me begeleidt 

En deze woorden galmen

Van warm gezang 

Well, should I write a bilingual post? Something in English and something in Dutch?
Maybe, I’ll just keep it in English. I speak a lot of English during the week now. It is quite lovely.

I am knackered though. I have so many plans and I meet so many people in one day. My brain doesn’t know how to keep up. I want a house, a family, a lovely life. I feel like I already have that lovely life. That I am just so grateful.

I love my garden and I love my plants and I love living in the city centre. I enjoy the second hand shops and walking past the beautiful boats. It such a lovely scenery, especially in the dark with all the lovely lanterns. I love walking around Zwolle and enjoying the view of the old buildings. Every house that looks different and they are so tiny. It makes me feel home. Welcomed. Part of the city.

I am in awe of the city of Zwolle and riding my bike gives me a sense of freedom. I am so lucky to be a woman in the Netherlands. I am able to study and now I have become a teacher. I am living this amazing life that I am so so grateful for. Yes, it’s long hours, yes, I am losing sleep over it, yes, it is so much interaction but it is just so fascinating. I love connecting with people. I love getting to know them, I love helping them and I would love to make extra time for them. I answer all of their questions and I enjoy their company. I like having nice colleagues and getting to laugh with them.

I love my boyfriend. So much. I love him. I love spending time with him. Holding his hand in silence, throwing a ball at each other, kicking the ball, making jokes, looking at the trees together. We just enjoy our time together. We let the time pass. And it doesn’t feel like time wasted. It doesn’t always have to be so special. Just a nice walk is already just so lovely.

Other things are spooking around in my head though too. Lost loved ones and friendships that are changing. I am changing, evolving, growing older. New habits I suppose. Trying to brush my teeth more often, enjoying a lot of eggs during the week, cooking more. Staying in more. But still enjoying holidays. Life is just full of wonders I guess. And yes there are still evening where I think: what shall I do? I feel like I need more time just by myself where I am just sat at a table and I am drawing whilst listening to music. A student of mine made a drawing during class and now I am inspired to do the same. I have already made three drawings at my creative school where I teach.

I had a student who told me a story that I found really touching. I don’t know how to shake it off. I feel like it is coming very close to my own experience as a young adult and child and it fills me with fear and worry. I really like this student and I hope he will be okay. I think he will.

I am trying my best to be the best teacher for my students as I can be. Maybe I take it too seriously. I feel like I should be more fun. I wish I had more humor. At least I have a very genuine laugh.

Outside it is really windy. There is supposed to be a tropical storm coming. We’ll see.

For now, I don’t feel like having a tropical storm in my head and it is time to rest. So…

I hope you are doing well wherever you are and until next time! X

So much time has passed. I am so aware of time. I am aware of death. Death with a capital D. Scared is what I feel. Rushed. Feeling like I have to fit all my freedom into the upcoming 5 years. Then I will probably have children and need to be this outstanding parent who is great at regulating her emotions and is always available and has enough money and has her own purpose and her own career, does the cooking and the cleaning and the cooking needs to be outstanding every time and I’ll need to make it somehow and vegetarian and with meat and I need to somehow show my children the way. The way of life. While, do I have an idea?

Maybe it comes down to what a friend of mine said. My philosopher friend who is 20 years older than me. Your parents did what they could with the tools they had. Forgive them. Maybe that is what is going to be like for my children. I will make mistakes. I just hope they won’t hate me.

I hated my parents. All of them. All four of them. I was done with them. So mad at them. I wished for more attention, more time with them, I wished they could hold space for me, I wished they were able to say they loved me, I wish they had enough money to buy me clothes that I didn’t have to wear in 4 consecutive days. I wish they were just there and would still be today. I still have two. That’s something. I wish they would call more often. I wish they wouldn’t push me about subjects like politics or pollution but they do. They get to be who they are and so do I. This will be the same for my children and I.

I will never be good enough. Because that is just simply not the human experience. We make mistakes. We say sorry and learn from it, which would be the best outcome and sometimes we make mistakes or others make mistakes and we hold on to it. My god, I’ve been doing a lot of holding on to it. It might be time to let a lot go. Just to let it go.

Let the idea go of growing older and fearing death. Letting go that I am losing my mother all over again since so much time has passed and I am longer alive than that I have lived with her. Letting go of comments, letting go of moments of being too late or choosing a boyfriend that did not suit me or deciding I wanted children with a partner that didn’t feel like love.

Letting go of a horrible choice that I didn’t want to make but did. Actually starting to free my mind for other thoughts. Thoughts of love, understanding, compassion. Thoughts of hope.

Let me just think of hope. Hope looks like building the family life I have always wanted to live. But I will never have it. Plus, holding on to one thing to make me happy that is in the future won’t make me happy mindfulness said. Probably. It might enrich my life but my happiness is not depended on it.

I keep feeling very very strongly about it. It feels even a bit suffocating. I am losing sleep over it and I am planning for it. But it is also good for me to let it go. Let the goals go. Let it be. Let it rest. Enjoy what is here. Because as the song says is: ‘Enjoy yourself, enjoy yourself, it is later than you think’.

I guess that is what I am feeling right now. In 12 years I will have lived as long as my mother got to live. 12 years is also the exact amount of years I got to spend with my mother. Time passes so fast. Since I have already spent 18 of my years without her. I say ‘spent’ them as if I am responsible for them. I mean I wake up every day whether I want to or not and I am very happy I do. It’s just I breathe and I eat, I sleep and I do try to take care of myself and I do take responsibility for my own life I suppose. I just feel like there are so many factors to your life and I really am utterly convinced that you are not in control over your life. There is a bit of luck involved, others are involved, the butterfly effect is involved, bad things happen, sickness happens, job loss, memory loss, accidents… So many things can happen. You can bump into a stranger and they can become your friend. Someone can give you good advice, something might happen, the snowball might start rolling… Life is full of opportunities.

Movies don’t make the bad character just bad any more. The character has a back story. And yes, it makes the movie so much better. Why you say? Because it is much closer to reality. A person is not just delightful, neither just deceitful. A person is not only jealous nor always completely welcoming. I don’t think they are. People must have their cranky days, must have their wicked ways.

We’re are all human and unfortunately not all at peace all of the time. Maybe there are exceptions but I don’t think there are. Even the buddhist practice patience. There you have it. They practice which means they must have their worries, their struggles. But they train the mind. Which is exceptional.

I am so lucky to be able to train my mind. I am lucky to be part of this life. I am lucky to speak two languages. I am lucky to live in this little city in Europe. I am lucky to own a bike. I am happy where I am. No need to move to the big city, no need to move across the sea. It’s just me and everything around me. And I am not even at the centre of it. My experience is. But I am just part of nature. Of everything around me. This earth and this universe. How lucky I am to be able to spend some time here. Soon it will be over.

Nobody else will have my experience. Other generations will have had different experiences and new generations will have other experiences to come. But for now I am here. And I am happy to be here.

It brings me to tears.

I hope you are happy to be here.

Take care. I hope you are doing well wherever you are and until next time! X

I’m at work and we’ll see how much time I have to write. I’ve put dreamy music on. I feel a little headache since I have a cold and I am somehow always tense in my shoulders. They have been tense for a year now. Let’s see if I can figure out how to relax again. Would be good.

Luckily after tomorrow I’ll have a slow day. I only have to teach one person and I get to spend my time however I want to. I’ve got really long hours. I choose them and now I choose to complain about them, haha.

I am considering another education. I might want to learn how to help people not from the Netherlands with the language Dutch in front of a classroom. I am not sure if there are any jobs for this specifically in my city. My tinie tiny city of Zwolle.

I’ve just been to London last weekend. The pace is so fast and there are so many people. When I lived there during Covid, two years ago, 2022, it was much quieter. Now it is just crawling with ants. Finally, Hans, my boyfriend, and I decided to go and hang out in a park. We were extremely lucky with the weather. Lovely sunshine on our faces. We didn’t talk for a bit and I went inside to get him some coffee and a cake. He was totally knackered and so I tried to take care of him by letting him just sit down for a minute. London is lovely and London is crazy.

We enjoyed a play called Hades Town. It has won multiple prizes and after watching it I understood why. It is the best play I have seen so far. I thought it was quite touching. It was about love and since Hans and I and a friend of mine called Becky had lovely conversations about love.

About how to rediscover love, about loneliness, about being the interloper, about how to show love, about the difficulties and also about the successes. It was quite inspiring I must say. Now that I have found love, I wish others love. I wished that to others before but maybe now even more.

For now I wish myself some rest. I hope you are doing well wherever you are and until next time! X

Take a deep breath. Let’s begin. Since I was twelve I knew I wanted to be a mom. When I was 15 I was asked what I wanted to be and I said a writer. I’ve written in many gratefulness books over the past two years and blogs when I was 15, for the newspaper at my school I tried to write when I was there, I wrote two pieces when I was at a school in Bristol and I picked up my blog two years ago. I have written so many diaries I wouldn’t know how many. I started when I was twelve. And writing poetry when I was younger with my mother, even a play with a friend.

It doesn’t mean anything. I guess it means I enjoy it. More than drawing or other things I might like. I love dancing, but I don’t want to ‘become’ a dancer or a dance teacher. I want to be a writer. I truly love dancing and followed many classes as I have studied journalism for a year and have done a creative writing course. I don’t feel like I read enough to be a good writer. I don’t come up with clever jokes or plays or words. I don’t really use metaphors. Maybe my work is like pop music instead of classical music? Catchy hopefully but not very complicated? I mean… There is one desperate dream I should bring to life.

I should write that book that I have been wanting to write. I have started and stopped and I have changed subject many times and had many ideas. I think maybe I should make the time and just start and see from there. I spend time in the library. I could sit there. I mean, this laptop that I am writing on, I can take everywhere. And at home is also completely fine. Love my home, and the beautiful view filled with green leaves and yellow, purple and pink flowers. Blue sky today.

That is not how I feel in my head. It is a bit cloudy. A lot of thoughts in the form of clouds are passing. I feel like all the dreams are coming closer. Things that I really want are starting to happen. My boyfriend and I might live together. He wants kids. We want kids. Crazy.

Honestly, it is all a bit overwhelming. Especially while I am teaching from nine to seven. Long days, long days. I cook much more than before. I invite friends over and I don’t want to change my routine. But I do need sleep and everything is keeping me up at night. At least I don’t wake up in the middle of the night anymore. It’s just waking up around 6 which is too early especially when I can feel the headache which is telling me I need more sleep.

But I just feel like all these thoughts are so important. Which I mean… Mindfulness tells me they aren’t. They come and they go. How am I supposed to make plans then? Or anticipate anything? Maybe I need a timer. A worry timer. Since I really need to relax.

I made an envision board. Goals. Things I want and things that are already in my life and I want a continuation of. I just added writing to it.

Dancing was something I added later on too. I have noticed that adding a goal such as live music and CD’s/LP’s, is truly working, I bought a CD and I am listening to a lot more live music than before. I am cooking a lot more than before. Trying out a tajine and other new things. It is tiring, I must say. But also enjoyable at the same time. Love a self made red pesto. Hm-hm-hmmmmm.

I am keeping up with friends and family. Mindfulness everyday. Maybe English shows should be on there as a way of showing downtime. I told a student of mine that I don’t do social media and he said what do you do all evening? I realized I do many things and he should follow me for a week and see what I do. Cooking, I meet a lot of people, I read occasionally, I watch English shows, I sit in the park, walk, go to dance classes, I cuddle my boyfriend, I play games, I put on candles, I listen to music, I clean, hoover, take out the trash for recycling, I take care of plants, I am part of a clothing loop, I write things that I am grateful for, mindfulness is part of my life, I brush my teeth, I shower every day, I wash my clothes every week, cut my nails, sometimes I’ll make a tea, drink lots of water and I contemplate. I look out of the window and look at the birds, the cats and the butterflies and sometimes I just let my mind be. I enjoy sitting on my lovely soft sofa. Well, I do a lot I suppose. I try not to waste my time and I try not to be a slave to technology.

And now it might be time to add some more writing into my routine and maybe even teach some more. Busy bee, busy bee.

Someone else’s goals of a radio show host were very inspiring to me. Maybe my writing can be that for you. Wishing you a lovely day.

& I hope you are doing well wherever you are and until next time! X

I’m on my beautiful big blue sofa. It’s nice and soft. A blanket is there to cover me. It’s relaxing. I put on music and the title of the music list is called relaxing.

I must say I’m a little tired of teaching 6 classes of seventeen year olds and up. After those classes I taught some more at an institution, one on one. That is mostly more relaxed. At one point I asked myself whether I was an introvert or not. I just now have so many social interactions during the day I wonder how I decompress. During my lunch break I listen to mindfulness on my app Headspace. That is relaxing. I breathe deeply and I focus on the places in my body that feel tense and I visualize dissolving the pain and it leaving my body. It’s only for about five minutes but I must say it was very nice.

I am analyzing a lot of aspects about my life at the moment. Friendships, my relationship, my work life and I am also thinking about my past and about my future. Somehow I am very goal orientated at the moment and my philosopher friend told me many moons ago to make an envision board. This is actually the first time I did it.

Apparently I love a lot of things about my life right now and I want a continuation of that. There are a few things to come. So I hope they will. I am kinda planning for it. I really want to do my best. I don’t want to know facts, I don’t want to read more books for the sake of reading more books, I don’t want to watch the news, I don’t want to be politically more invested, I don’t necessarily want to go to a pubquiz.

I want to build a family. I want a house, a bath, maybe a cat, a kid or two, I want to read to them, I want to pick them up from school and listen to their stories, I want to cook dinner and I want to play games and I want to go to the park and I want to go on holidays. I’d love to learn more words in any language and new dishes to make. I’d like to discover new beautiful places and hang out in nature. I might want to do more with plants, sell them or gift them and of course take care of them.

And somehow combine that with the friendships I made and the family that is already in my life. I want some time with my boyfriend first, before these little creatures are running around. I want to go on holidays and enjoy live music together. I want to try out new food, for him specifically vegetarian food. I want to kiss him and hold him and tell him stories and listen to his. I want to look into his friendly eyes and feel home. I want to go on many more walks and throw a frisbee or a ball and walk around trees and be silly. I want to listen to his jokes and his knowledge about trees. I want to walk and sit in silence next to each other. I want to watch funny shows together. I want him to be there when I lose my patience, when I am mad, when I am angry and sad, I want him to hold me and to listen and I want to make up and build a life together. I want all the funerals, the ceremonies, the moves, the celebrations, the set backs, the grey hairs, the lonely moments that become sweet, the misunderstandings, the irritations, the bad habits that keep on bugging us, and for us to navigate it all.

Love isn’t like you see in the movies or as you read in a book as a summer fling. Love is more than just a kiss, more than a friendly hello. It can start there though. But somehow in the movies it always ends with the start. They never show the tedious bits. The normal bits. The day to day life. The pooping, the crying of the children, the tummy aches of your man, the crying of yourself. It’s just happily ever after. What do people expect from love?

Why do so many people get a divorce? Is living with your partner just sometimes that annoying roommate? Who somehow can’t manage to do the dishes earlier than you? Are you that annoying roommate that is always late? I mean if you see each other snotty and completely run down, maybe it is not as sexy. Are we expected to be sexy all of the time?

Movie stars and celebrities have fake hair and fake teeth and even fake skin in a way nowadays. Pictures are enhanced and you’re supposed to look up to that? Where are the families that are just trying their best and just living their lives? Many. They are just not famous. So nice, to not be famous. Many less interactions. More peace. I love people but I also like a bit of calm.

Maybe I am growing old. Enjoying gardening and time on my own, reading, listening to calm music and jazz, thinking people in the train are talking loud, noticing when people in a cafe are really loud opposed to a different cafe. Not wanting to stay up late and go out until super late. MEGA late hahaha. I just feel like I had that time. Been there, done that. I haven’t missed it. I enjoyed it. Flirting, dancing. Maybe I’d rather listen to live music now or go to a dance lesson or follow a salsa lesson with my partner.

I’m glad I have my own life and that I get to live it. People live their lives differently with different opinions and different religions and I am very interested. But yes I will try to listen to my philosopher friend who said he listened to his intuition. Intuition and my brain that is trying it’s best to keep me safe. Mindfulness will guide me along the way and all the other teachers, coaches, influences that go along with my intuition and brain.

Do I have a life’s motto? Maybe I should think about it. Enjoy it while I’m here?

I hope you are doing well wherever you are and until next time! X

I’m at home surrounded by photo albums, a bag, empty water bottles and a bit of a dirty kitchen. My table still has my plate on it which I just ate from. Also,a puzzle. A puzzle I’ll probably never make. Maybe I am set in my ways. I am always hasty if I have to be on time, I watch English shows, before bed and sometimes during the day, I read occasionally but only will finish a book when I am truly interested.

I listen to music a lot. Like now I’ve put on relaxdaily on YouTube. I recognize it from years ago. It is nice and calming. A nice way to start the day. It’s cloudy outside and I am curious about those hot tempuretures that are supposed to be coming this week. I am lying on my soft blue sofa with a red blanket. Red and blue. Maybe one day I’ll like other colours.

I am a bit tired. I usually am when I write and writing comforts me. I just had to teach yesterday and the day before that. I find it exhausting. Thrilling and fun too. My students gave me gifts which is absolutely cute but mentally it is very tiring. I am going to email my manager telling him I don’t want to teach that extra hour on Monday. I am going to be busy the upcoming weeks working from 08:45 to 19:00. Long days. I’ll have some rest on Monday and a bit on Friday. Sounds like a good idea.

This morning I woke up. I thought about relationships, sex and love. I thought about friendships and about family and the thing I wanted to write about was age. I just feel like now I am from a different generation. I am getting older and I am aware that the generation above me is going to go at some point and that I am next. My generation is next. It’s going to be weird to miss the generation above me. Parents, older friends, aunts, uncles. I wonder whether it is lonely. Maybe being old is lonely? Maybe it depends.

Maybe I’ll have wonderful neighbours, a good friend, a dance club, maybe I’ll go to concerts? Maybe I’ll have a gardening club? Grandchildren? Grandchildren that barely visit? I mean, my own children or my grandchildren don’t necessarily have to live in the same city. Why am I worrying about being lonely when I am old? Maybe it is a misconception of being old. That everyone around you dies and you don’t work anymore and you just wither away at home. Maybe life can still be fun, that you watch your favourite shows, cook your favourite meals, go out for dinner, go on a holiday, go for walks, talk to people whilst at the market, try out a new hobby…

I think I am so social, there will always be someone in my life and honestly if I find a show I enjoy such as yesterday, I don’t mind spending the evenings on my own. Especially when I am tired. I really like the show called ‘Dish’. It’s a show where people eat and mostly talk about food and a little bit about their relationships with each other or about their work. It’s pretty relaxing and it makes you hungry hahaha.

I’m glad my mother was such a colourful person, always talking to everyone, flirting, very open, wearing weird colourful clothes, went abroad, learned a new language, made friends all over Europe, travelled to see them, brought me and just laughed with so much conviction.

I’ve made friends abroad, I teach another language, I speak to strangers, I sometimes wear colourful clothes and I can be open and flirty and I surely laugh with conviction.

I also have to other mothers who love to cook and have a love for knowledge and sport, are close with their neighbours and like to garden. They are funny and active. They work a lot and they do volunteer work and give to charity, they keep in contact with their family and they take care of a dog.

I like to get to know my neighbours and organized a get together, I can enjoy humor, I am very active, I have done volunteer work and I have given to charity, I vote, I love gardening and I did find a certain love for food and sometimes for cooking. Especially for others.

I don’t only learn from elders or parents, I learn from therapists, from friends, teachers, complete strangers on a listening line, exes, neighbours, and students. I think I listen to the people around me and my therapist once told me you pick up on the good. The good things, I take them with me. A friend is very generous. I see him as an example. One of my mothers is very assertive and I learn from here. I am surrounded by many people and at the same time I do spend time alone. Maybe I learn myself things too.

I’ve learnt to be disciplined, to show up, to go through fear, rather than hiding from it. Are there truly things you just learn on your own? I mean I can walk. Okay, I’ve leant how to garden. I don’t buy plants that die within a year and I have the ambition to possibly buy plants that are organic and I want to be able to cut certain plants such as my rose and my budleia in the correct season. I guess I learnt myself how to wash my clothes and clean and take out the garbage. I mean a friend had a good influence on me by showing me the dedication to separating the garbage which hopefully is better for nature in general. I don’t clean that often, but when I do, it’s just from buying a bottle and a cloth and cleaning a surface. I fixed certain things in my home and once I asked for instruction but the rest I did on my own. I get to know a lot of music just by playing it or buying it. The same goes for films, series and books. Rarely to I read, listen or watch something because someone else told me to. I mean, I did become a fan of jazz because I inherited the LP’s from my grandpa.

Sometimes when I go to a gardening centre I will ask for advice but I also like to spend hours there on my own looking at plants and pots and deciding on my own what I will bring. Very different to buying clothes. Somehow then usually a friend joins me and sometimes the day will just end in me buying fries and no clothes at all. I mean especially on my own. No one pushes me to buy anything then and I don’t really enjoy clothes as much as I do plants. They are relaxing. Also, sometimes I like the heaving lifting of a heavy plant or pot. I don’t know why, I guess it is something to do. As if it is sport. Calming to the brain and body.

No one gave me that much rules growing up. I just somehow socialized myself. My therapist helped me later in life with a bit of boundaries. For the rest, I guess I just went along with it and picked up behaviours from a lot of people along the way. Maybe that is why I don’t have such a strong philosophy about pedagogy I guess. Maybe some things you just figure out along the way. That is what my philosopher friend tells me anyway. That you don’t get a map, a lot of things you have to figure out on your own. He’s a big fan of taking charge of the steering wheel. Maybe I am too but I also feel like there is maybe a certain unfolding to do as mindfulness says. A discovery along the way. That you can’t plan everything in advance.

Though I must say I was very happy to hear that a friend of mind possibly wanted a family and that he is on dating apps again and that he considers emigrating. Finally, some movement, some wishes, something is going on with him.

I wish too much. Sometimes I feel like I live in the future and forget how lovely life is now. At the same time what would be wrong with making a board filled with wishes and goals. Possibly wishes that might come true. You never know. A board of hope. Is that so wrong? Possibly not. As long as you don’t lose yourself in the future, you can plan for it. That’s what I have learnt from mindfulness.

Two women just knocked on my door wanting me to know more about the bible. I shook my head and told them I wasn’t interested. I didn’t lose my patience, I didn’t get mad, I didn’t say it was too early in the day, I didn’t say that I wouldn’t come knocking at their doors telling them to do mindfulness, I didn’t get in to why I wasn’t interested, I just declined their offer and they were interested in my language teaching, wished me the best with that, which they saw from a flyer on my window and they left. I thought it was an okay interaction actually.

I don’t see myself as a buddhist or a mindfulness practitioner. I might be the last one. But I just do it every morning. Seldom I skip a day. I try to learn from it and I try to relax. I just feel like I start the day differently and it carries out into the rest of my day.

Maybe one day I’l be a gardening mindfulness practitioner. I guess I am already now. Maybe one day I’ll spend more time gardening or doing mindfulness or yoga. Who knows. For today, I am going to help someone with the language Dutch.

I hope you are doing well wherever you are and until next time! X

I found a spot in the library in Leeuwarden, Friesland. They speak a language here I don’t understand. There are books I can’t read. The library is located near the house of my boyfriend and it is a former prison. From the outside it looks impressive, somewhat like a castle, but I must say I think they should have got rid of the bars. The bars are eerie. It gives me the chills. Also the rooms in the library are somehow named after a prison, which is kind of funny but at the same time a bit grim. I was walking up the stairs and just wondering how many people must have lived here because they did something wrong in their life. Wrong and right is a weird concept in itself.

It’s sunny outside. Most of my preparation for tomorrow is done. I’ll be meeting new students and I’ll be teaching English. I’ve asked my boyfriend to print a few things at his work. I let his bird fly this morning when I still had the drapes closed. Otherwise, the bird flies up against the windows. We already have a beautiful mark of Ella, the parakeet, on one window, we don’t need any more.

I am really happy that I am not afraid of calling. My manager just called and I will happily answer. I actually prefer calling to texting. A lot of Gen-Z-ers are apparently afraid of calling. I mean if it is a stranger I somewhat get it. But luckily I like to call and I also prefer human contact over a robot. Nowadays, service is by a self checkout or you can print your own ticket or reserve a spot in the cinema online. It has no spirit or fun to it. I love going to the market and talking to a lady at the cheese stand who is interested, has a smile on her face and is enjoying the human contact like myself. It makes my day!

Maybe I wouldn’t be suitable for Japan after all. I heard everyone is quite reserved there, shy or introverted. I mean it does sound peaceful and quiet but I like a bit of theatrics, something going on and to be a bit playful. But I don’t mind doing things on my own or as the Japanese call it: solo katsudou. But honestly a day spent completely on my own sometimes feels restless. Especially in the evenings. Maybe I don’t have enough hobbies or I am addicted to my phone in the evening. Specifically to YouTube. Hmm, food for thought.

Sometimes I wonder if I should knit or draw. I guess all hobbies are not as passive as watching T.V. I could listen to a podcast or to music. I must say I really do enjoy music. I just put it a little bit louder but I hope I am not a nuance to anyone else in the library. It is dreamy music. That is what the spotify list is called: ‘Dreamy’. It is actually making me more nervous than calm just worrying about someone else’s discomfort with it. I’m going to turn it back off.

But at home I could enjoy music a bit more. A podcast here and there. I just feel like, what else should I do? Especially when it turns dark. There is a lot of doing to do and not a lot of being apparently. Restlessness. Fear of thoughts. Maybe I need more mindfulness training. Just sitting and following my breath.

In everything there needs to be a bit of a balance. Activities and rest. Sometimes I just fly around I suppose haha. Literally. But I like it. I love being adventurous, trying out new dishes, seeing new places, enjoying nature, dancing, meeting new people, learning new words, laughing at new jokes, listening to a new riddle, hearing a new fact, and I can go on.

Maybe I am not cut out for the simple life. Being surrounded by nature and eating the same meals every week, seeing the same people every week, never discovering any new music, being in a bubble of rest. Nope. Nope and double nope. I like the city life and I like living near a station and I like to see other countries and I love new discoveries.

But sometimes I long for a slow simple life. Maybe when I am 60. But then I would still like to go to a concert or buy a new CD or LP. I would still want to watch something new and travel. But maybe I’d like to live somewhere more quiet. Surrounded by a green garden. I have a lovely garden right now. It is a bit noisy at the front of my house but that’s it. Do I want a more peaceful work life? Maybe. Sometimes I wonder what life would be like if I worked with plants. I have so many years left. I might make the switch from teaching to gardening one day. For now, I enjoy it when I can.

I hope you are doing well wherever you are and until next time! X

Usually I listen to music while I write. Currently it is silent. My neighbourhood is quiet quite. I enjoy it. It is green and peaceful. My neighbours greet me when they see me. And it’s located in the city centre. Lucky girl.

The rent is extremely high. Not much higher than my landlord is allowed to ask but still much higher than the rent I had to pay when I was sharing a house with roommates. I do miss my roommates but I have contemplated moving back to a situation with roommates or group housing and it somehow just doesn’t seem as inviting as it was before.

So, here I am on my own in my little apartment which feels spacious and has enough room for a big table where I can invite others to come and eat and play games. Enjoy candle light, music and the view of the garden.

There are a few downsides to where I live, where I sleep it’s a bit noisy and the bathroom somehow can be a bit smelly. I tried all sorts of things but the smell sometimes comes and goes. And the rent that continues to increase. But for the rest I am content. I like that the distance to the station isn’t that far as are the many shops. I can easily buy presents for others or get candles or photographs printed. I can buy sunscreen and maybe new shoes or clothes if I need them. I can also bring clothes to a second-hand shop.

I don’t know why I just started writing about my place but I did. I enjoy living in a smaller city in Europe where I can ride my bike. My bike isn’t the best bike of all but it gets me around. I love the lanterns and the water, the boats and the parks. Who knew, this blog would be an appreciation post?

I guess life can feel lonely or unproductive in the summer but I guess I am getting the hang of it. Just when I am getting the hang of it, the school year closes in. I won’t have to go to school to follow classes anymore but I will have to teach. We’ll see how it goes. Might be nice.

I am seeing neighbours and friends and dance lessons just started again. I am seeing my boyfriend a lot and I am also seeing a lot of my family. Hmm. I did a bit of gardening yesterday and I am keeping my rooms cleaner than I usually do. I am reading more and I am enjoying time outside in nature. Yep. That’s getting the hang of it.

Some days are mwah. Those days I open Netflix and watch a drama series. I am trying not to do that anymore and I am even trying not to watch Taskmaster or something else on Youtube before bed. I just listened to Headspace yesterday and went to bed. I did wake up in the middle of the night but slept quickly again. No earplugs yesterday either.

I am also trying to eat less crisps or no crisps at all. I wanted to prove to myself that I am not addicted. On top of that yesterday I saw a video on Youtube about coping mechanisms. Habits. Well, I am trying my best to take care of myself.

I never really use Facebook and Instagram anymore. Weekly I do check whether I have any messages and occasionally scroll a little bit. I immediately regret the scrolling. I really don’t need to see other people’s lives and comparing them to mine. Or a post of a friend. I’d rather hear how my friend is doing in person.

Maybe that is why I also like this blog. It’s more personal in a way. It’s not just me boasting about my holiday or something. It’s more nuanced. Different experiences. Not just pictures. I guess mostly words. I do hear that sometimes people that I know read it. But I have no clue who actually reads it. In that sense, less personal. A bit of a one-way street. The same goes for a book. You don’t really have a conversation with the reader. But books can be inspiring. Some people find recognition in books.

Well, that was my blog for today. I hope you are well wherever you are and until next time! X

Okaaay, okay okay… So! Here we go. I’ve have set some goals. I am very curious to how it will go. Some dude gave advice on YouTube and also told everyone to do it their own way and so I am. I wrote down goals and it kick started my day. Instead of the complaining I did this morning and watching a clip of a couple fighting on Youtube, I wrote down some goals. Yep, turned the day around. Since the 20 minute talk I had this morning wasn’t very beneficial. She had judgements and so had I and it wasn’t getting any better. ‘She’, just someone on the other line I don’t even know. It makes me wonder if I should call this line less frequently. I mean over the last year it has helped me tremendously and at the same time, so does writing. My therapist is still there but only if I send her a message and we meet up, once a month or less frequently. I am just not sure how beneficial it is anymore but yes maybe I should keep talking to her? Especially since she studied human behaviour and knows how to influence me in a positive way.

Well well well. One of my goals is writing a book and I always thought it would be about me moving and losing my parents and other people understanding me. I guess some comedians do get a fanbase which is niche and close to them. Some people do find the support group they are looking for. I have lovely friends and family members. It’s just that other person or group I would’ve liked to talked to who knows what it is like to feel lonely, unloved, uncared for and not prioritized. But at the same time the dude on Youtube and a very good friend of mine who is a philosopher gave me the advice to forgive your parents. They did what they could with the tools that they had and they don’t have the same tools as I. Well… I just have a little more reflection and processing and forgiving to do since I had many caregivers.

But I am trying. As I get older I am reflecting more and I am trying to see more and to open up to what happened and why it happened. I feel angry and sad. I also feel a bit more like an adult who can take care of herself. And for everyone I need to make peace every time. Accept things, forgive. Let go maybe even. In accept it feels like I have no fight, no say, that I just give in. But maybe I just have to, I really have to let go. Accept that things weren’t perfect and people don’t always think about you. I am becoming less precise with birthdays and feeling more boundaries. Sometimes I am actually focused on my studies. I guess I am having a taste of that you can’t do it all. Sometimes you can’t. Maybe that’s okay. Yup. Haha.

I am holding on to things that happened years ago. Neglect, words, actions. Maybe it is time to grow up. Whatever that means. Maybe it is time to feel a bit more relaxed, less critical. More filled with love, more compassion. more peace.

Why do I just feel so angry? Why do I feel so angry? So critical? Why does everything and everyone have to be better? Maybe it is vulnerability. . Maybe it is not knowing everything and wanting to know more and wanting help but not always receiving it. The song goes ‘Sometimes you get what you want, but not what you need’. I don’t know how that exactly applies to my life but maybe it is time for my own goals.

And so for today I am going to put some shoes on, I am going to clean and I am going to print a few photos and if I have some time left maybe hang up some flyers. Time to get busy.

Then I am going to put on music in the car and just be nice. I want to be nice and have a nice evening. I guess growth is uncomfortable and that is what is happening right now. I am growing and I am learning. Don’t stop, don’t quit. Keep on trying. Life is worth living. Just by being there and trying. I read that in a book. That you learn how to live by living. I like that idea. It gives me comfort.

I should give myself some love too. Even though I wasn’t nice on the phone this morning and the lady wasn’t nice either. My apologies. I hope she is having a good day. I just guess that the past few deaths and my own study and final assignments and going to the hospital to get checked for breast cancer and checked for a kidney disease took it’s toll. And others seem to cope fine. Which isn’t always true but I tend to worry a lot. Worrying for too long is a waste of time said the man on Youtube. My philosopher friend also told me that you should give yourself some rest. Tell yourself that was enough for the day. Give yourself a break. Well, maybe it should be one of my goals. Because man, my head can get lost in unhelpful thoughts.

Welp. TIme, TIME TIME TIME… Haha, to get started and get some fun music on and get busy.

Just something I wanted to say to myself before I get started: You don’t have to be perfect.

I hope you are doing well wherever you are and until next time!