It’s Saturday! No expectations at all! A few. But all in all, a calm day. I really enjoyed New Year’s Eve and one day that I went to Deventer with my previous housemates. Love them. They feel like home. We spent so much time together, we know each other pretty well.

We went ice skating and came across and old famous man. We joked around. We loved it. We ate, we talked. We enjoyed each other’s company:)!

I need to come up with a new date to go ice skating with another friend! It was closed when we arrived, so I’ll have to reschedule!

I had to get used to going back to giving lessons but overall it is pretty okay. Better than hanging around and watching Netflix!

I met someone in the library. We’ll be working on our studies together. Nice! And I still love tutoring:).

I had a really good day yesterday and enjoyed hanging out with friends! Playing games and a lot of laughter and ending the evening with dancing!

I hope you are doing good wherever you are and until next time! X

When I walk past the ‘Storyboat’ I got sad. I guess I was already sad. I’m not the best at being alone. But I was thinking about the festivals that are held by the people on the ‘Storyboat’ and that the government has decided only to give money to the big annual celebration of our freedom this year and not to the cultural small interesting one where people dance or perform and you can put money into a hat if you think it was worth some money and can decide how much you put in. The performances are original, thrilling, something you can be part of. I once performed as a dancer. I once saw a beautiful act with a prop made out of metal. I once was part of a Ceiligh. Singing in a circle, surrounded by hay. Even if I wouldn’t be part of the performances or go watch them, it makes me sad that they won’t be here anymore. I started considering giving my own money. And then I thought maybe they can repay me by helping me write my own book. But yeah it was just a thought.

I have fond memories of the ‘Storyboat’. It’s where I met one of my best friends. We both followed a course in creative writing. He had a full time job. I might had to be a nanny one time a week. But he never saw me as anything less. He valued our friendship I suppose. I took him jamming. He would watch me perform. I’d sing or play drums. Not that I was any good at it but I really enjoyed it. Now he studies philosophy and I study English. Now I’m really busy. He’s less busy but he has new hobbies like playing piano. He’s just always so calm. He’s been a figure to look up to for me. Just trying to make the best out of it. He’s says he’s a loner but I think he’s social and I’m so lucky to have him. He’s a light in my life. When I felt really down, he would come over and talk to me. He always calls me back. He’s got my back and he is a loyal friend. He lost his girlfriend this year and I tried to sing don’t worry be happy dor him and I played it really really badly for him on the guitar. He appreciated it. It’s not his best year but he’ll be fine. I’ve known him for about 7 years and he is the most capable and stable person I’ve met. He always thinks in options. At least when it comes to advising me. I just love him so much.

I’ve spent today alone. I went out for a walk. Helped a old lady cross the street. We smiled at each other. Ingot take out for one which made me feel even lonelier. But I was really proud for going out and just enjoying my surroundings. Water, pretty lights. People walking around. I should be scared of the water I suppose. It’s going to overflow soon and I live on the ground level. Well, we’ll see what happens I suppose. I might be able to go somewhere else… Let’s just hope it’s not necessary.

For now I am actually looking forward to New Year’s Eve. Not to the cleaning up pet beforehand or afterwards but I am looking forward to having my friends over.

I enjoyed yesterday. A friend and I went to the bookstore and I got a beautiful copy of Aesop’s fables. I used to watch this magician on YouTube and after his trick he would read a fable. So, I saw the book and bought it. I love reading to others. My mom used to do it for me. She would also come up with her own stories. Maybe, even if I don’t raise my own children, I might have influenced others in a good way. By going on group holidays or on my own to the park or by showing my students several books they can read or by listening to others.

Everyone makes an impact. I am quite a good listener. Maybe one day I still need to become an interviewer. I love listening to people and their stories.

What’s your story? I hope you are at a good place. Until next time! X

I found music on Spotify and the theme is dreamy. I guess I needed to relax for a bit and needed to reflect. Since this morning I know that I’m sick. No wonder I fell asleep in the car yesterday than. On the highway. I nearly had an accident. I am not taking the car that far in the near future. Thankfully, we have a good train system in the Netherlands. It’s extremely expensive. So, I have been thinking on how to actually manage the upcoming months. I’ve donated to a charity for nearly six years now and decided to stop that. At least temporarily. Let’s see what will happen this summer. I really hope I graduate and I am just so curious what my life will look like in the summer. And after summer too. I’m curious whether I’ll be searching for a new job soon and maybe a new home? I’ve always found the future scary but it is good to know that I’ve got my back and somehow I’ve always made it work. It gives me a sense of confidence. That I can survive and maybe even thrive.

I like that I am good keeping up with all of my friends and family. I enjoyed celebrating my birthday. I enjoy having parties. I enjoy having people over for New Year’s Eve. I am a very loyal friend. Who knew I was caoable of all f this? That just one trip to the Netherlands can alter your life of having a friendship for years. That just one course meant having a real close relationship and someone knowing you to the bone and just completely accepting you for who you are. It’s nice that I make so many new friends and that I am capable of keeping in touch with them. If that all exists, than you would think there is a partner out there for me too. Maybe next year in the summer I’l start looking around. 

Who knew I could be dependable and calm and have boundaries that work for me and for others? Who knew I could teach others? Who knew I was capable of telling others what my needs are? Who knew I could listen to others but not having to solve all of their problems? Who’d knew that I would grow and become an adult that still makes mistakes but tries to fix them and takes responsibility and shows up and does the work that needs to be done? Who knew I could bring so much light into other people’s lives? So much joy? That I could take such interest in others? And that it wasn’t temporarily but for the long run. For a lot of people in my life it means, once you found me, I’m there for the ride. And maybe sometimes just seeing each other from time to time.

The weakest link in my life has been romance, boys, sex. I treated them as if they could fill a void in my life. The void of loneliness, the void of having nothing to do, the void of missing a mother or maybe even having enough friends or a purpose. A boy used to be everything. I needed a boy to stay afloat. Any boy really. I mean i was somehow interested and with most of them it was my choice. Some I regret. Most of them were okay. One was pretty great. He was a friend. I enjoyed our time together. He didn’t have that much to offer. But he gave me peace and love and was up for anything I suggested. It was a light for me. Something that made me happy during the week. Now several things make me happy, salsa, kickboxing, eating with friends, helping out a student, hanging out in a library, I never knew life could be so full of pleasantries. I guess I should be grateful. Grateful that I made it all happen. It’s takes action and dedication and energy. Life and enjoyment of life doesn’t just come knocking at your door. I am grateful that my moms once helped me pick out new hobbies and made me sign up. Grateful for therapy that I received and learnt how to set goals and reflect on them.

It’s weird to think I’ll be okay. I never really thought that I would. People ask me how do you feel now that you are 30? And I say great! And I mean it. I mean I still don’t know about the whole husband/children situation but I don’t have the time right now. Maybe in the summer and it’s just not something I have that much control over. I have some influence and we’ll see how that goes. But for the rest turning 30. The expectation of having a great job isn’t there yet either but I don’t need a job to show off and I know I’ll make it work. So yeah. Life might just be beautiful anyway. I guess I got more out of it than I expected anyways. Maybe that is why I am so happy. Somebody told me I already had my midlife crisis. I guess so. I went through enough crises to know what darkness actually is. And turning 30 just means I made it. In a way it just feels like I don’t have to be the sad ‘I don’t know what to do with my life and everything is hopeless 20-year-old’. Or scared 6 or 12 or 15 year old who didn’t know where she was going to live and what that would look like. Now I have some experience with taking care of me and maybe some proof that I will be okay and I never really thought that. I thought that I was incapable of any study because I wasn’t able to handle my emotions. I was uncapable of finding a job and keeping it and being focused and loving it and I thought I just couldn’t persevere. Every family birthday I would be so ashamed of myself and I didn’t want to talk about what I was doing. Now, I’m going to be fine. I guess. I guess I really am. Weird ha. So yeah I hope there are other 30 year olds that feel the same, capable and confident and knowing that will somehow always find the strength to carry on. It feels like I just survived it all. Isn’t that also what you celebrate? Just living for another year?

I mean not everyone get’s a long life. I might not either. I don’t know. I guess it might just be nice to grow old with my friends and some family that is left and maybe even meet new people and discover new things I might be good in or enjoy. Life is full of surprises. Bad ones and good ones. I knew I liked growing older. I like it even better and better every year I suppose. I am curious what each year will look like for me.

I guess after all that I have been through, I am lucky. Lucky to live in a country where I can receive therapy or coaching, where I can get medical help and don’t need to worry about the bill. Where I can vote, where I can dress the way I want. Where I can bike, where I am not afraid to walk on the street, where there is a lot of nature, where people are kind and helpful towards me, where I get opportunities, where I can study, where I can dance and sport, where I can learn how to write, where there are libraries and book stores, where the roads are clean, where there are supermarkets within reach of max 15 minutes walking distances, where I can own a dishwasher and a washing machine, where the shower brings me peace and a morning ritual, where I have a bed to rest in and covers to sleep under and a roof over my head. Life really isn’t that bad. I feel no need to relocate or to change my life that much. It is nice to appreciate what you’ve got.

I missed a lot of love growing up, certainty, a figure to look up to, someone to learn from and to grow. I missed out on having the opportunity to stay in one country and feel rooted there and staying connected to all the people there. I missed care and knowing where I would sleep and who would take care of me, I missed confidence, thinking no one really loved me enough. I missed knowing that some people just already have enough on their plate and that they love you but just can’t take care of you and are struggling to take care of themselves. I missed out on living in one town or one city and feeling rooted, somewhere where you belonged. I missed feeling safe. But life isn’t always safe.

But the city that I live in now feels pretty safe. I’m glad to be able to live here and have made friends and that actually being bilingual gave me opportunities. I am glad that I have made many friends and am capable of keeping in touch with family and have a say over where I live and wth who I live. Life is more manageable now and I guess that’s why I like 30. I survived and made it mostly my own. I go to the market because I enjoy it and want to and I get to live in the same city fr over 12 years. That is really something.

I hope that you are having a great time wherever you are and until next time! X

Time flies. Somehow, I feel like writing this blog in Dutch for a change… But I’ll keep it in English for the readers. I’ll possibly write a short piece in Dutch if I feel like it. I am slightly tired but comfy at home with the heating on, the candles on, a cup of tea and jazz music playing. Sometimes the cat is whining, saying: ‘Please, let me out!’.

I was actually reading a very interesting book called ‘The molecule of more’. I got it from one of my students. I teach him Dutch and he studies psychology. I guess it makes sense that he gave me this book. I have never read non-fiction I think. Well, maybe it was damn time hahahaha.

No interesting men in my life so far. I mean plenty, but not to date with. I turned thirty. No boyfriend, husband or kids. My life is filled with friends, family, hobbies, sports. a crazy cat, a crazy cat lady who shares my cat with me, an abundance of food and drinks, live music and performances here and there, celebrations, sad news, friends that I have missed for long that I come back into contact with, friends that I don’t see as much as I used to, but still stay in contact with. Honestly, I find my job as a teacher in the role of an intern quite hard. I am sleep deprived and just celebrating my birthday made life really joyful for a while. I loved receiving birthday wishes. One even from an uncle that I hadn’t spoken to in a while. I really appreciated that. I enjoyed giving two birthday parties. One for friends and one for family. I enjoyed the compliments of where I live. In the middle of the city and surrounded by nature. I guess, lucky me. A lot of birthday presents… Too many gift cards. I am so bad with gift cards. But I might plan a day with a good friend and we’ll go shopping.

It’s nice to hear from others that they enjoyed my party and I am also looking forward to New Years Eve. Two friends who I didn’t expect to come are joining too and that makes me happy! Another thing that made me really happy was Ivayllo who sent me such a beautiful birthday card with many photos of us and telling me how much confidence he had in me for making something good out of my career. That he loved me and pictures of toasties and tea, the things that remind him of me. Even a toastie with a candle on it to celebrate. So cute <3. I guess those four months were special. I can’t believe that just a few months can make such an impact on someone’s life.

Thirty years. That could mean that one third of my life has just gone by. So quickly. I feel like there is so much more to learn. I still feel like a little kid sometimes. Not grown up at all. I mean, I do feel like I have grown in different ways. I can handle more. I might get my degree soon. I am capable of getting up really early in the morning and working. Something I thought I could never do. I am capable of keeping in touch with many friends. I never thought I would have many meaningful connections in my life and people that bring me joy. I never thought that I would throw a birthday party for grown-ups/family and actually enjoy it. I guess I am capable of much more than I thought. I can drive a car, I own one and I drive it early in the morning during rush hour. I prepare lessons and teach. I enjoy talking to students and try to help them out. I am capable of dealing with a lot of feedback. I am grateful for asking for help when it comes to school projects. Omg, I was such a scared kid. So many things have changed. I am still that scared kid but I am so proactive now. I really try to take care of myself and try to show up for others. I do mindfulness nearly every morning. I have written three ‘grateful books’. These are notebooks where I have written three things down that I am grateful for that day.

Maybe I actually have changed that much and I don’t have to be scared of my own emotions anymore. Maybe sometimes that still feel really really overwhelming but I can always figure out a way to deal with them. There is always a new day. Who’d thought I’d grow up this much!

It’s weird. My mom has no idea. No idea at all. Who I am, what I have done, what challenges I have faced. She hasn’t lived through the highs and lows with me for a while now. It makes me sad. Sad that she doesn’t know me at all. My mom stayed that little scared kid. She made her world the world that everyone needed to revolve around until they couldn’t anymore. It’s just such a sad story. She never found peace. Never found the love of her life. Lost contact with her family, was mentally ill. She was just trying to get her life back together by reintegrating into the work life. She managed to take care of me somehow. But the ending of her life was also very dramatic when I look back at it. I never thought what I would know now. But I guess people just sometimes do things because they think it is the best. Maybe she was really really dependent on me and possibly made me quit dependent on her and just felt like I couldn’t live without her. Or she didn’t want to leave me all alone. Afraid of what life would look like for me all alone. But I guess another parent would arrange other plans than the action she took. A more stable healthy parent would react differently. But I guess she wasn’t that parent. Even though she was very loving, kind, caring, charming and endlessly interested in anything you had to say. Man, I really wish her life would have been different. Life is so dark when it isn’t filled with possibilities and love and care and I wish my mother had all the opportunities I have now and that she was actually capable of facing all those opportunities.

I guess I still feel quite uncapable sometimes and expect more from myself but at the same time I should support myself more and appreciate myself for everything that I do. Trying to connect with others and being thoughtful and trying to make an effort when it comes to school work and enjoying sports. Trying to cook where I can with others. I guess I am really really trying. Trying to make the best out of life. I never knew that I was doing that. I thought I was just trying to survive and being as happy as I could be in the meantime.

Turning 30 isn’t that bad. It is actually really fun. Let’s see what happens at 35/40/50. Maybe you enjoy it when you are 50 or 60? We will see. Maybe just try to make the best out of it. Something that I have been working hard for, for the past years. Years of therapy, showing up for hobbies, getting certificates, starting new jobs and keeping a great job, and starting and nearly finishing a study. My god, life has changed so much.

Man, if I could write to my twelve-year-old self: Hey, you’re going to be all right. You will get an orange cat like you always wanted to. You’ll have plenty of lovely friends who care so much about you and love spending time with you. You will have two new moms who will help you out with so many things and they will hug you. They will teach you how to spend your money and they will cook for you. You will drive a car and visit many countries and meet many people. You will return to England and make friends there, you will make a short documentary and short films, plenty of photos, write many blogs and some weird creative and beautiful stories and a few poems, you will have many plants and take care of them and own your own beautiful blue big sofa that you can rest on, you will watch many shows that will make laugh, you will go swimming and enjoy going to parks and play loads of games and you will still play basketball and sometimes a board game, you will kiss many boys, you will love at least one boy, you will enjoy all sorts of views and you never know what life will bring you. More is to come.

What if I knew that at twelve? That I had to go through some dark times at 13, 15, 16, 17 and 19 but that it would get better. That life had been hard at 6, 7, 8 and 9 but that it would get better. And that I chose to make it better. That I was somehow hungry for life and tried my best. That life wasn’t perfect in my early twenties and that 25 really hurt but that I showed perserverance and that I got up and worked for the things I wanted. That I showed up. I showed up for the show that is called life.

And my moms showed up with me. Sometimes there were more present than other times. But I guess that is what it looks like: growing together. Learning. Who would have thought that? A whole new family at 15 and 15 years later they would still be my family. That they gave me new chances, new opportunities, care, love, attention, wise and kinds words. And that it would hurt here and there and that I’d wish for more attention or that I’d feel insecure of whether they cared or loved me but that we always found our ways back to each other.

If you would have told that little 6 or 12 or 15-year-old girl that she would be capable of taking care of herself and did the best she could in life and showed up for the show that we call life, she would have never ever believed you or trusted you. She might have felt encouraged but she would have never felt sure about life and about being able to handle anything that came her way.

Maybe life had just thrown so many unexpected things at her that she learnt how to distrust life of being a safe place or a place that was somehow manageable. Who knew? Who knew? Who knew that life could feel so scary, hopeless, lonely and dark, would turn out to be manageable, happy, filled with love and still lonely, filled with hardships, but that it was manageable.

I hope that life is joyful and manageable for you too wherever you are. Take care! And until next time! X

I always write in English, so that more people can read it. A way of connecting to my readers. Maybe it is also a connection to myself. The first six years of my life I only spoke English.

Hi reader, I am having a hard time. How are you? I hope you are doing well. I guess every human being that is doing well, makes the world a little brighter. Maybe it is something we all need to strive for and help others where we can. That way we make the world a little brighter.

I feel like I have lost my spark a bit. I am constantly negative and scared. At the same time, I am still functioning and trying to give others lessons and help them learn new languages and new words. I try to bond with them. I put up more flyers and I got a reaction. I’ll meet the new ladies tomorrow and see if I can help them.

I find it hard being a teacher in front of a whole classroom. I find it hard sometimes to keep their attention and hard to say no or not to lose my temper. Since I’ll take a lot and then become angry once it’s gotten out of control. I guess that could be handled better. Say no earlier. But I suppose it’s not the easiest thing to do. It’s such a weird thing. Presenting and pushing others do to something they might not want to do. But I guess I am there for them and that I do want to build a relationship with them and that I do want them to succeed. And you need peace and order for that. It feels like I need to be in a role of a dictator sometimes to be able to accomplish that goal. I actually want to be friends with my students, but that isn’t my role. The only thing I can hope for now is that I make progress. Not that every lesson is perfect, but that I see my progress.

It’s hard to get feedback every minute from someone which is constantly negative. It’s just a lot. It makes me feel like I am not making any progress at all. But I actually am. Especially when it is a class I prepared. So my task is to prepare my own lessons. I might even just completely change them. Do what is possible. I can’t do more.

It’s seven more months of teaching. Who knows, I might find a way to enjoy life again. I need to find my light out of the darkness. For me, but also for my friends and family. They enjoy my company but I feel like there is less to give now. But there is, there is. I can talk about the tutoring I do. I think I need my old job back too, which is tutoring. I miss it. I miss it a lot! I miss going to salsa on a Friday. I miss my former housemates and hanging out with them. I am still trying though. To keep up with friendships. But I am a bit more closed off than usual.

I need to tell myself things that went well. I need to be grateful. I need to give myself some self love. And give others love hopefully ❤️.

I hope that wherever you are, you are doing well. Until next time! X

I must say the upcoming months will be hard at times. I sometimes find the days at ‘work’ hard, but honestly, they are becoming better. I find the days at home hard. I find it hard to motivate myself to work and otherwise I find it hard to relax. Relax in a way that brings me joy or rest. I am totally addicted to YouTube and I know it. I’ve known it for a couple of months now. Hmm, okay. It also means that my behaviour has changed. Good thing that I’m inviting friends over a lot and having dinners together. I guess I am a little bit more stable than before. I cried a lot the past two months. Fear is something that I’ll have to overcome in my life and spending too much time in that state. Since you don’t really know what life will bring. Actually at the moment, life isn’t that bad at all. I am cooking, doing the laundry and the dishes, occaisionally hoovering and I’m taking better care of the plants which makes me happy.

I’m not taking care of ‘my’ cat, but I did take responsibility to call up his ‘new’ owner. I know that he is safe and fed. So I guess I am taking responsibiity and I accepted that he has a house where he loves to spend his time. She has loads of time and like Mause, ‘my’ cat. It’s weird, I’ve always wanted a cat and now I’ve just let him go. I’d never thought I would do that. But I guess the circumstances are all right the way they are right now and that makes me okay with that.

Wishing for something doesn’t always mean that later on you still wish for it. Which is scary. But I guess without dreams, goals or desires life would be different. I need energy, motivation and drive and then later on you’ll see how your desires will change I suppose. There is a lot to explore.

I am interested in what I will be curious about in life. But maybe that’s just life. You don’t know. I never knew I’d be swimming or taking salsa classes in London. I never knew I’d be making a documentary. I never knew I’d be writing a story about little trumpet monsters. I never know how many people I’ll meet in my life. Making friends is so special and meeting others. Traveling, spending time with each other. Enjoying food and laughter and deep conversations.

My Italian friend was over last week and I really enjoyed hanging out on the sofa together, falling asleep, going to the market together, enjoying tea, inviting Spanish friends and having interesting conversations about language, food, and lands and heritage. It elevated me. I really enjoyed taking them to a book store and opening up a book about brains and translating it to them. We also had fun talking about birthdays and when people where having the most sex. It was in the book hahaha.

It was fascinating to talk to Irene and hear how Italian culture can mee very masculine and the way women were treated and at the same time how free my friend is. Not what you would expect when it comes to a religion and the freedom of not having to marry or being able to be with whoever you want. My friend was interested in another topic which was confidence. I am listening to a lot of podcast lately on how to live better. One thing that struck out for me was supporting yourself. I am the one getting up every day, showering, making sure I have food, trying to sleep enough, keep myself warm enough. If you are taking care of yourself everyday, might as well support yourself. Instead of bringing yourself down, look yourself in the mirror and give yourself a high five. I do it sometimes now. It makes me laugh. It’s fun. Another way to support myself, and I hope I can get better at this habit once again, is writing down three things that you are grateful for each day. There is so much to be grateful for. I do believe this can have a rippling effect. There is actually scientific proof for elevation of your mood by writing down what you are grateful for.

My friend cried when I told her that she should support herself. I guess it’s just not always that easy. We can blame our parents but we don’t need to tell them everyday. That’s something she taught me too. She saw her brother always complaining to her parents and she doesn’t. I do feel like we can all learn from others. She from me, I from her.

I guess other people do influence your life a lot. But I guess I like a book I found in the library and it’s about autonomy and maybe I should enjoy the days that I can spend in any way I want. I should. It’s my time. Nobody else’s time. I can read, walk, buy tea, maybe even start with yoga again, I can garden if I want to, I can write, I can create cards. I could learn myself a new skill possibly if I wanted to. I can listen to any kind of music I want to listen to. At the same time, I do have a few things I ‘have’ to do. And so, I will.

I hope wherever you are, that you feel some freedom in your life and that you feel a sense of appreciation as much as possible and wishing you the best. Until next time! X

Gotta keep on writing. I made myself a promise. That is to write no matter what. I will do a year of writing. Hopefully somewhere within this year I’ll be graduated. It will become 2024. I’ll vote soon. I might see ‘my’ cat from time to time and well a lot of things will happen that I just have no idea of. That’s life. It happens. You adapt. You grow, you learn. I suppose I try to. I am looking at sociology online. As if I am taking classes in sociology. It’s very interesting. It’s mostly about differences between people and about empathy.

For the rest I’m working on my school project. I’m reading about speaking in English and how to learn new vocabulary. I am also still tutoring. I love to help others one on one with language. I actually also like to prepare a creative lesson and get feedback. My last lesson was on creative writing. Some students absolutely loved it!

For the rest I have been very anxious. I am terrified of my deadline for school and because I am so terrified, it becomes harder to enjoy other things. But somehow I keep on showing up and I try to take care of myself by cooking for others or others cooking for me, eating fruit here and there and also while letting food be delivered choosing it to be a curry. I also mentally try to take care of myself by calling a therapist and we also have a thing called the listening line in the Netherlands where a volunteer will listen to you and might even give you some advise. Physically I try to kickboks every week and do salsa every week. I don’t always succeed but at least I try. Weirdly, I sometimes really critisize myself, but just now, I’m thinking to myself, I’m doing okay.

I am not dating whatsoever. I’m just not interested at the moment. I mean very very very slightly. I just find my school projects much more important at the moment and I don’t want any man showing up and jeopordizing that and how I am feeling. I know myself and I feel like there might be room for dating later in life.

While I’m writing this, I occasionally eat a strawberry, I’ve got the candlelight on and I am listening to upbeat music. Voodoo Babe – Never Dull is currently playing. I honestly never know what I am listening to. It’s just a vibe. VIBING!

I don’t have to move. That’s a relief. I can stay where I am. I guess at least for another year. That’s good. Hopefully even longer. I think I am good where I am at. My neighbour wants to move to Amsterdam. I hope he really does it. It had been a wish for a long time for him. Well, we’ll see what the future will bring us. It’s not set in stone. I guess I am flexible and I do take on things that are healthy for me.

And…. I am turning 30! this year. Big thirty. I guess I still feel the same. The changes are gradual. Grey hair everywhere whahahhaa. A little grey is okay. Dutchies will get that joke. I do enjoy English humor too. I watch Taskmaster. I watch many British shows with comedians. I also watch American comedians online. Soon, I’ll be going to one live. Just a Dutch one. You never know, I might enjoy it. I am also going all the way to Eindhoven to watch a light show. Furthermore, this weekend an Italian friend is coming over. No idea what we will be doing. Might still need to get tickets to a silent disco. Any tips on what to do in Zwollywood?

Hope you are doing well wherever you are and until next time! x

Life has its ways of surprising you. I just had a really nice conversation with someone over the phone. Who knows. I just might get to know him better. I might not be ready for dating at all and if it is the right person, maybe I am. We’ll see.

My study feels a little intimidating but at the same time I’m taking the right steps. I’m asking for feedback and I did my best to find an internship that suits me. I am also maintaining contact with my family and friends. I’m trying out new recipes and so are friends of mine. I’m trying to take care of my plants. I took a friend out and we went plant shopping. It was a great day.

I have finished the book that Mark Manson wrote. I find it quite thought provoking. I am happy to have gathered a group of friends around me that thinks for themselves and is willing to have a conversation about their thoughts too. It makes the dinner parties much more interesting. Plus, there is also a good amount of laughter.

I am not sleeping as much as I would like, but you never know. It just might come. Taking life step by step. It’s dark outside. I’m playing instrumental music and the candles are lit. My niece told me having candles lit isn’t good for you. She must be right. Apparently, I am not taking her advice… Maybe I need more little lamps with yellow lighting? Hmm. I’ll think about it.

I like that others take care of each other. It’s what keeps us together isn’t it? I don’t really believe we’re here to live our lives all by ourselves. In togetherness comes the interesting bit.

Take care and talk to you later alligator! Hope you are doing well wherever you are ❤

I’ve just been on a trip to Budapest. I went there to meet up with my neighbour who is traveling around Europe. I wanted something to do this holiday and more importantly: I didn’t want to be alone. I didn’t know that would entail chasing my neighbour all the way to Budapest and taking three shots while I decided not to drink anymore and most of the time just feeling exhausted. Don’t get me wrong, I did enjoy the sunshine and the beautiful view over the river Donube. I also enjoyed an absolutely huge bar with writings all over each wall and colourful lamps everywhere. It made my own city feel very small and not that creative or interesting while we do have a few interesting spots. Things my neighbour didn’t even know about. But overall, I do question my trip. My moms are not happy about me flying at all. They very much care about the environment. They are right and I still end up going on these trips. I did buy a book which seems to help me a lot. It’s: ‘The subtle are of not giving a f*ck’. It’s not what it title says though. To me it’s about what to care about and questioning your values. I’ve had that book for almost four days and I’ve nearly finished it. I’m very invested in it. Nearly devoured it hahahaha.

It made me think about my life. And I was already thinking about my life. I’ve decided to write a blogpost every week for a year. I’m curious what will happen. This to me will be my ‘book’. The ‘so-called’ book I’ve always wanted to write. I’ve decided that I shouldn’t care and maybe don’t care if it is shitty or not but that I do care about writing it.

So here I am, back at home in the Netherlands in my little city on my own sofa. It’s October and it’s cold and dark. I’ve put all the candles on and I’ve put my robe over my clothes. I’ll probably put a blanket over me soon too. When I look around I enjoy the lighting. It’s very yellow. It’s small fires everywhere and two cute lamps. One is of the world and the other is an egg-shaped lamp made out of mosaic and it has a variety of blue colours but the lighting is yellow. It was a journey to find that lighting. I marvelled at the lighting in Budapest and so did my neighbour Eli. There were old lanterns and the lighting was yellow and the parliament building was lit up beautifully. There also was a monument for the second world war. You walked down this path. It was a bit narrow and at the end was a flame. It was quite dark and unnerving. If you looked at the walls you would see names written on them. There were bricks that would stick out and once you reached the flame and looked back at the path, the bricks were lit up. I’ve never seen anything like it. It was like a piece of art to me. I interpreted as giving the people a light shone on to them and a experience for everyone who sees it and something to talk about.

I don’t know why I ended up telling two people I’ve never met before that I lost my parents. Apparently, it is on my mind. They’d say I’m sorry. But I wasn’t even looking for that response. I just wanted to tell them something about my life or how I view the world or how I feel empathy for others and that I wish others would too. When I see a monument and we got talking about the war and then about refugees, it reminded me of something my therapist told me which was: ‘What you’ve been through is comparable to what refugees go through’. Somehow it felt like a validation of how hard my youth was for me. From the age of six I never knew who I belonged to. It could be my mom, a foster home, a family member, an orphanage, a friend or maybe to me: no one. I can feel it in my stomach while writing this. I remember learning a whole new language without my mother. Moving country and having no clue what was going on or why. My mom was mentally sick and my dad wasn’t in my life. All I knew for sure is that my mom loved me. She would write me cards and give me expensive gifts and once she felt better, she took care of me again. She would bring me to school and she would play games with me, cook, listen endlessly and dance with me, play basketball with me, write poetry with me and draw with me. Then suddenly there she was on the floor. I tried putting water in her mouth. I tried blowing air in her mouth. I was twelve. I had never seen a dead person before. That’s when my life became uncertain once more of who I belonged to. I was at the police station at 12 and didn’t know where I was going to sleep. I stayed at family and for three years at a friend of my mom and finally I got a new family. My two moms. You’d think happy end. But I guess where I’d never had to question whether my mom loved me or belonged to me, it feels different with foster moms. Luckily, I do know that they love me. I guess I also belong to them and they to me but sometimes I don’t know. Sometimes I wonder how much alike I am as them or whether their actions mean that they love me or care about me. It makes my teary eyed right now just writing this. And it’s weird because I know they care and sometimes they just have their own priorities. I wish I would care more about them too. That would include knowing when they are on holiday or knowing a birthday from the top of my head or knowing what exactly is going on in their work/personal life but I guess sometimes they don’t know everything about my life either and maybe that’s okay. Maybe that isn’t a way of measuring whether somebody cares about you or not. I do believe that it is a relationship that we work on and we share very precious moments together. Moments where I really needed them and moments like a good meal together. Good talks and hugs. I am grateful for having my two moms. They have done their best to guide me into adulthood.

I’m nearly turning 30. Maybe not so young adult anymore then. It feels like pressure. As if you’re supposed to know everything and that you have your life all figured out. I suppose we are all figuring life out along the way. That’s why questioning things is so good, which I’ve learnt from the book that Mark Manson wrote and maybe also a little bit from mindfulness. That helps me to be less judgemental and to care about my energy and what that means for others and practice thinking about gratitude and writing it down.

For today I’m grateful for:

I am grateful that I wrote this blog. It gave me such an insight in what caring actually means.

I am grateful that I reflected on my trip and that I do see what was important for me on this trip and that was learning about history and about myself.

I am grateful for reading the book ‘The subtle art of not giving a f*ck’ and reflecting on it and it giving me inspiration.

Maybe writing three things down that you are grateful for every day might help you realise what you are grateful for and you might get to experience more of it. At least that’s what the Headspace app taught me. I revisit some topics often such as appreciation.

There is one more thing that I am just wondering about. What does belonging mean? When do you belong to someone? Maybe you just do even though you are different. And everyone just gets to be themselves.

I am very happy that I am celebrating my thirtieth birthday and that I am also inviting all of my family. I feel a lot of anxiety around family. There is a real fear of whether I belong with them or not. But I guess they are stuck with me and so am I with them. Whether we like it or not and whether we are biological family or not and whether we feel close to each other or not and I will try and be a good family member. Make the best out of it by showing up to family events and throwing a family event now and then because family is important. It’s not something that just always is magically there.

I also really feel a sense of belonging wth friends. There is one friend I can call in any situation or it doesn’t matter how I am feeling. He accepts me for who I am and he has a very calming presence. I’ve met a lot of people along the way. I’m happy that I did. I really wish some things would’ve worked out and other things were just the way they went. I’ve learnt lessons along the way. I guess family is just a thing that I belong to and I choose to belong to as do I belong to my friends. We all choose each other in the end. Very special.

One day I’ll fall head over heels. I really think so. I don’t think it is now. Maybe when I am a little older and a little wiser. When I have grown mentally. Who knows. Everyone can tell that I am growing and changing every year.

Another internship is done. It was one of the hardest. I kept raising my voice and telling kids to leave my classroom. It was exhausting. Luckily, I also got the opportunity to teach and actually get a few kids inspired. Interested in reading or using Grammarly.

New beginnings. Starting as a volunteer at the library. New therapy. Starting bachata lessons. Cooking a lot for myself and others. Trying new recipes. Playing scrabble and others games. Started kickboxing again.

Living with my cat is also new in a way. He is 24/7 at my place and he even sleeps on my bed now. I don’t have a door to my bedroom… But I do appreciate having him around. He likes to sit close to me and I like to play with him too. His presence is sometimes already really nice.

Buying all kinds of new furniture and second-hand furniture. Also, doing a lot of the chores all by myself. Such as fixing the dishwasher or the sink. Taking care of the litterbox. It’s just all extra chores I didn’t have before. But I guess I can be proud of doing it all and getting some help here and there. Furthermore, I am selling books, tables, shoes and so on. Trying to make some space too. I gave some clothes to a second-hand shop. I might earn just a little there.

It has been a tiring journey living by myself. But it has also given me a lot of space. Space in a physical sense but also choosing who to be around which in turn causes more relaxation in my head.

I hope your on a good journey. I hope you are having a great time wherever you are and until next time! X