I’m not playing any music at the moment. I am on the sofa and I just don’t want anything. I ate, I showered, I brushed my teeth. So, that’s good. I just feel like doing nothing or trying to avoid feeling anything. I don’t want to apply for a new job, I don’t want to go on a holiday, I don’t want to work on my portfolios. I just want a break. I want to hang out with friends when I want to, I want to get enough sleep, I’d love a shower that would properly work and even better a bath tub. I’d love a friend that would see me weekly or daily, like a cool housemate. I’d love to write. Maybe my own experiences, even if it is just for me and for a close friend to read.

I don’t want to be an intern any longer and hear every little detail of a powerpoint that could be better. I don’t want to get up at six in the morning, I don’t want to be in a car.

I want to write. Maybe after writing for a while, I want to interview. Maybe I’d like to have a partner even though I don’t think I want it right now. I want to sleep and I want my period to be over. I want to just eat eggs and some bread and just be okay with lying down under a blanket.

I don’t want to think about my future, I don’t really care about graduating at the moment, even though I’ll feel great shame when I don’t. I want to tutor, talk to students and connect with them, I want to listen to music. Let me put some on. Not right now. I actually appreciate the silence and maybe a chirp of a bird here and there.

It’s not raining and I know I should go outside but I am so cranky. Let me think of things I appreciate. I appreciate friends, who think about what kind of sport would suit me or that writing a column might make me happy, or who join me while colouring mandalas. I appreciate being able to light candles which improve the atmosphere and so do my plants :). I appreciate my huge sofa where I can take a nap and enjoy my soft big blanket and all the warmth it gives me.

I hope you are doing well wherever you are and until next time! X

Just as spacey as the music is, is how spacey I feel in my head. Dizzy, tried and my shoulders feel tense. I don’t want to move and so I am on the sofa under a blanket typing this. It’s nice being able to reflect. Reflect on life. I just listened to a song with the lyric: we had more when we had less, we shared more when we had less, it’s a blessing what you have right now. I just put it on again. It helps. I am always scared. Scared for what is coming next, whether it will be good enough for others, for me, if it will pay enough, what I should be doing… That my future needs to be more than it is. That I should learn more when it comes to music and sport but if I am really honest with myself: I just want to connect with others and have fun. I want to share food, I want to share music, I want to dance with others and laugh, I want to write something that I’d call expression, I don’t want to be the best, I guess it is a wake up call, having a education in a bit and expecting a certain amount of what I would earn and that it just isn’t that interesting at all. My friend just said no to a job which would have given him status but he didn’t want the job and even though his father didn’t agree, he stood his ground and he listened to himself. Pretty cool. Another friend of mine went to the other side of the world in Thailand and told me people don’t have much and that they are very friendly and that everyone here wants more and more. Maybe it is true.

And then a new friend told me not to hold on for dear life when it comes to thankfulness but I think it is something that can be very helpful. This morning I had a smile on my face thinking about what I am thankful for. Grateful, appreciative. There is so much to appreciate. Plants adding such liveliness to my home, the green view when I look outside, birds flying around and chirping, having water and food, being able to go to the toilet or to take a shower, having clean plates and forks, enjoying a freshly made bed, and then to think my dishwasher and washing machine help with that, owning a huge sofa where I can take a nap on or enjoy the view of a growing tulip, being able to go outside whenever I want and go for a run or walk, being able to smell flowers. Owning candles and burning them and enjoying their light. Owning a table to put food on and to play games with friends. Being able to buy bird seed to feed the birdies. Owning books that I can help others with to teach a language. Reading and feeling inspired.

I guess you really, really sometimes forget what is already there. A brain can worry and think about what is coming next, what to look out for. Mel Robbins says: ‘What if it all works out?’ It went through my head today.

I also appreciate art. I remember talking to someone who says he doesn’t appreciate art but after talking for a while he might have thought about it and maybe got him wondering. It got me wondering. Why do I appreciate art? Why do people appreciate art? Sometimes it is recognition, sometimes it feels like you can feel hope, sometimes it’s beauty and sometimes it is confrontational. Art helps you see, look carefully around you. What do you see? What do you appreciate?

I hope you are doing well wherever you are and until next time! X

Usually I listen to music while I write and now it is completely still. I can hear my fridge and sometimes a scooter passes. It’s dark outside and I put my light on. I think it’s time for some candles, the heater and some jazz music.

Okay, I even made me a cup of ginger tea. I don’t make it too strong, since I don’t like the taste of it, but it’s supposed to be detoxing. Well, I need it since I have been feeling ill since the past too weeks.

I’ve also put potatoes and sweet potatoes with some rosemary in the oven. I don’t really make things with rosemary but a guy I dated taught me that. I guess I’m going with it now.

Sometimes I wish I could be more than just charismatic but I guess I am. I have a lot to say and a lot of thoughts and I am usually always prepared to listen and see if people have other ways of thinking. I guess I have a lot in me and that I’m just emotional but who knows one day maybe a partner will love me for everything that I am and will just bare the lesser moments. The moments that hurt or make you feel anxious. There will be plenty moments filled with excitement, joy, passion and contentment. One day I’ll start my search again for a loving partner.

For now, I am finishing my studies. Even though, it frustrates me, scares me, it is a way to learn and to grow. I’ve done much more than I thought I would. I challenged myself in many ways.

I’ve made art, a photo book, a documentary, many portfolios, blogs, done many dances, spoken to so many people, made new friends, got up at 6 in the morning, driven my car, went out of my way to make a meal for someone who’s feeling bad and listening to them, helping the elderly in the garden, I volunteered twice, I have done many internships, stood in front of the classroom, came up with my own lessons, engaged students, enraged students, confused students, laughed with students, I’ve started tutoring on my own, I started gardening, I stopped drinking, I joined a clothing loop, I started dividing my trash in hopes of recycling, this all gaining a few pounds and bags under my eyes, tears that have been shed, friendships that stopped, dates that didn’t work out and I just feel more perseverance and more ability to state my boundaries. I’ve also gained a few grey hairs and turned 30.

My gosh and I still expect so much more of myself. I need to be better at managing emotions, at setting boundaries, at setting up a plan for a lesson, at making new meals, making dinner for myself and starting new hobbies/sports. I guess I am doing all right. I really am.

And it’s nice to have goals and work on yourself or things you want. I guess life just doesn’t always bring you what you want but along the way you make a lot of discoveries. I just really love to try out new things. I really do. I also like sticking to things I love though. Such as friendships, board games, dancing, English, funny programs, family, finding lovely clothes to wear, writing, eating loads of bread, going to the hairdresser, enjoying showers, swimming and ice-skating, and holidays.

Maybe I’m not that bad after all. I’m improving, connecting, learning, growing, developing. Yeah. I might be okay. Like maybe a pretty decent human being. At least trying. And I make mistakes and I’m not perfect. But maybe no one is.

The only thing I wonder is, how are some people just so relaxt? Or seem full of confidence? How are people not so fazed by stress? I wish I knew what it was to be a surgeon or a pro athlete and being able to manage my stress so well. To know you are capable of so much despite others maybe saying otherwise. Yeah, there is still a part of me that wants to be better but maybe as time passes I will, I will be able to manage life’s challenges better.

I have these two wonderful mothers and sometimes they seem like they are just something I’ll never be. Smart, confident, bosses, highly paid, but I guess I can see there flaws too and maybe they are trying to disguise them too. Maybe most people put up a mask, a front, a disguise. Maybe I’m very open. Sometimes too open but people also feel safe around me and find authenticity with me. People have called me disarming. And like a child full of wonder. Maybe I don’t want to be a boss that much or at the top but I want to connect and not by looking down on others. Maybe I’m okay where I am. I don’t have to be everything my parents are. I do want to be respected though and doesn’t everybody want that and I think mostly I am.

I’m just not that convinced of myself but if I was, I might have been a supercilious person. Maybe you shouldn’t be either. Maybe it’s not good to be self deprecating or condescending. Mostly, if you can be something in between. Relaxt and happy to be there. Oh well, everyone has their own flaws, right?

I guess if you have any research on how to be that happy relaxt person, please e-mail me. In the meantime, I’ll do the best I can to be a relaxt person. Contented.

I hope you are doing well wherever you are. Until next time! X

Hi there reader! How are you? Hope you are relaxt, reading this. Okay, let’s dive in. What’s happening in my life at the moment? I’m trying to work on school and keeping up with friends and family. I’m not exercising as much as I want to and I’m not sure how I exactly want to exercise. Since it is nice weather, I am going on walks. I am also discovering the move button on the app ‘Headspace’. I’m considering yoga/pilates.

I’m also fighting a cold that comes with headaches. Hopefully, this Monday the cold will be better. Then it’s been bugging me for a week. I am experiencing a lot of thoughts. I have a lot of pressure to finish portfolios. Plus, I am dancing salsa and meeting people. Men are interested and I’m scared. I don’t really see it as a new opportunity rather someone mixing up how I’m feeling… We’ll see.

I discovered that I’m really used to sleeping with earplugs or sleeping at my own place and not at a friend’s place. Plus, that maybe sometimes I do need time for myself just to process things.

I’m feeling a little down. Wondering how I can you know uhm relax more. I guess it’s being appreciative. I’ll write three things down that I’m grateful about today:

1. 1. Getting groceries and cooking and eating strawberries
2. 2. I’m grateful that I got to sleep enough
3. 3. I’m grateful that I read a little bit and listened to an interview with the writers of a book about dopamine which gave me more insight on who I am and how my brain works.
   
4. If you are wondering what my insights are, I think I’m more progressive and focusing on what’s next and that’s probably why doing mindfulness every day is so good for me, since it focuses on the here and now.
   
5. I hope you are doing well. Until next time! X

Today I feel calmer. It is actually nice to go to a school where I can meet colleagues and have nice conversations with students. Honestly, I happy that I didn’t do the presentation. The thing is with me, I don’t want to wing it. I want to be fully prepared. I want the information to be my own and I am discovering that I expect too much of myself. Not that I am necessarily always a perfectionist. But I do want the best of myself, or I’d rather not do it. There is not much in between. You could call that a fear of failing. I never felt much room for failure or much acceptance from my environment just for who I was. As if I wasn’t allowed to exist. I wouldn’t be loved or accepted. It’s not like I loved my environment that much either honestly. I haven’t felt safe that much. I just wish I had that base. A base to come home to. I guess you are supposed to be that yourself. Gosh, that is a hard task. I find it hard at least. And it means that I take criticism very seriously and more harshly than others. While some students don’t even listen or take feedback seriously as I heard other teachers say to each other today. I can’t imagine not taking someone’s feedback serious or not caring about a really bad mark. To me, the world falls apart. Why? I really wish I was different. I don’t want to work that hard anymore. I want to do what I want to do and not just because I am petrified. But maybe after I finished my education it is time to change. 

For now, it’s good old Frances, who can rely on doing her best. Sometimes even trying to sabotage herself by trying to escape her work, since she thinks she can’t do it, but still just doing it. Doing the work and showing up. I’m just not listening to the fear any longer. Weird, I guess. But good. 

I will meet a friend later today and we will go out. That after getting up before 6 and coming home after dark at about 10. Long day. But I enjoyed it. It is nice to hear that other teachers and students would like to have me around. Also, after the summer. I’ll have to see. You never know, maybe just all the grinding might have not been in vain. I just have no clue about what the future will look like. 

I’m finally feeling more okay with the fact that I don’t know what my future will look like. That that will be a quest until I am 70. Looking back, I’ll probably be grateful. To had something to do. To help other people. To be productive. 

I helped at the Open House today. I scored a sweater in my favourite colour. That makes me happy. I helped where I could. I talked to another teacher and told her my worries. She listened really well and was very empathetic. I feel like she gets me and she told me she would like to have me around. I guess I am still just not adjusted to the way there is taught. There is so much freedom, that I sometimes wonder how I am of any help. It makes me feel unvaluable and as if the lesson should be more engaging or I should be more of a policewoman but I am discovering that all the teachers go through the same thing. I don’t know if they feel the same way but students aren’t working on their subject and are doing nothing or working on another subject. Which makes me wonder, what I am doing here? But other teachers accept that it is how it is and that this is the best they can do and they focus on doing one thing correct and that’s enough. I am asking for too much. I know it won’t be much better at a different school. I was thinking about, what if I would teach at my own school? I wouldn’t have much creative freedom when it comes to my lessons since certain work has to be done. But I have seen some lessons that were creative. And the students are more polite. But not every student will be engaged. Hoping that every student will be engaged, and I will be my cheerful and helpful self every day is just not realistic at all. Hmm. It just feels disappointing and unfulfilling. I guess if I were to become an interviewer, the same would happen. At some point I wouldn’t enjoy the interviews I had to do, since my boss says so. The ultimate move is becoming your own boss of course. But then you have to want all of the responsibility and have to have the drive to get out of your house and find clients or interviewees. My own boss. Who knows. I guess, when I can give people lessons about Dutch, I like it very much. Then I am my own boss. There is no one telling me to hurry up, no one telling me how to teach and I bond with my students, and they learn. It is not paying the bills. Yet. 

For now, I just really want to make the best out of it. So, my colleague really liked my idea of making items about anything close by. I hope our students will like it too and that they will like the platform too. I used to work at indebuurt briefly and I truly enjoyed it. I guess it’s nice that my colleague will have a partner in crime for this project too. I hope I am a good partner to her too and that I have the time for it since I have deadlines too but I’d like to help her and I like that she liked my topic so much. 

I also met someone today. I am not sure about what that is going to bring me but I liked meeting that person. It was an open conversation about life and the struggles it brings. Such as studies and work. Trying our best, wanted to work out too. Long days. Early hours. 

Well for today, I had a good one. I hope you are doing good wherever you are and see you next time! X

I am listening to ‘Dreamy Vibes’ on Spotify. It says that it is hypnotic bliss. I don’t know about that but it might be calming. Or annoying or maybe I am just simply annoyed. Frustrated, scared. Well and then a second later I just laughed because a man fell from a short flight of stairs. He’s fine. He continued his conversation on the phone, very casually.

It’s dark outside. It has been a rainy day. I haven’t been productive at all. I actually really hate myself. Not every day and I mean I can love myself but I’m just not focusing on the positive things at the moment. A new made friend in the library is a light in the day though and he invited me over for dinner next week. I hope we will enjoy our time.

Scared little stupid shit. That’s what I feel like. Unable to just listen to others or stand up for myself without crying. For others I’d stand up for them. I know I do that since I’ve seen myself do it. Physically and mentally and I’m learning to do it for myself too. I’ve done it many times before and sometimes I’m just a little bit too late.

Like last week. I dated someone. He wasn’t right for me and I knew it. I kept complaining on the listening line – a phone number you can call and a random person will listen to you – and I complained to a friend of mine. At the beginning they mostly said I should wait. Well, I wish I didn’t. It wasn’t making me or him happy. He wasn’t the best at communicating and it made me scared. I didn’t feel safe. I finally said that I didn’t feel safe since he was unpredictable and that was the last straw. It hurt though. I guess I didn’t feel accepted with all my feelings and I guess I couldn’t fully love him for who he was either. He’ll probably be fine since he was happier without me like he said. I mean I just want a partner. But honestly I do want a partner that suits me. But something or someone that distracts me from my horrible school life would have been welcome too.

I hate it. I hate school so much. And here I am. Thirty. Probably privileged because I can go to school and here I am hating it. I don’t want any schoolproject any longer. I don’t want any feedback. I don’t want to feel insecure. I don’t want to stand in front of a classroom full of teenagers who sometimes aren’t respectful. I don’t want to hear every little detail of what I can do better. I don’t want to be a teacher at all. And here I am. Finishing this god damn stupid education of becoming an English teacher. I mean I even stopped re reading my texts here which is funny because I guess people expect my English to be perfect. Well, it isn’t and that’s the way it is. Maybe I’ll start checking it again and maybe I won’t. It won’t keep me up at night.

I love tutoring though and I like one on one time that I spend with students. I like listening to them and bonding with them and helping them out. This is why I went back to my old job where they pay me less than minimum wage but I love it there and I feel safe there and I like the students there.

I wish I was someone filled with hope and who knew what to do. I find it so painful to need to have a vocation, a passion, a safe heaven, something fulfilling. It’s exhausting. And I just realized this will go on until I’m about 70. Then I get to retire. At the same time I thought it was reassuring since it means I’ll keep on doubting myself and not knowing which direction to go in and I’ll have several jobs. Some of which I like and some I won’t. So, there’s nothing new under the sun, which makes me think: why worry at all?

I also hate turning 30. I mean I’m glad I made it an all. But the future gives me so much anxiety. A husband, a child? Isn’t that supposed to be fulfilling, take all my loneliness away? It won’t. I’ll be the same emotional complaining, scared monster that I am now. Calling myself a monster actually brings tears to my eyes. I don’t deserve that. Well, I don’t know what I deserve but I know that it isn’t helpful. I just really don’t like where my head goes. It’s been so negative for so many years and it is just exhausting. I hate feeling unsafe and unsure and maybe even a bit unloved. Unprioritised is what it is. Since I know I am loved. But I actually have stopped liking living on my own. It stopped when I switched internships. I had hope of working somewhere that I felt at home, with the other teachers and the others students. They were calm and respectful and not hard or tough or confrontational. I guess I saw myself in most of them. People were just a bit more soft? I don’t know soft has a negative connotation for me. But I didn’t feel pressured to be something that I am not and people actually listened to each other during meetings and it made me feel safe. I cared about others there. The students and the teachers. I went to student’s projects on my own time and volunteered to take over the tutoring class. I was a nice, safe, creative space.

Now I am working somewhere where it isn’t too bad. But I just feel a bit disconnected and I guess I feel disconnected when I come home too. And then I just feel hopeless since I won’t work there and now I just don’t know where I will fit in I guess. What my added value can be and where I’ll feel safe. Maybe I would like to be part of a team. Maybe I want to start volunteering again. It can be fun and can make me feel connected.

I guess I don’t necessarily feel a disconnect with the job as a teacher but just maybe a certain safe place and colleagues are very important to me. Luckily I am having more and more conversations with colleagues now than at the beginning. I am not getting a fair pay but I knew that at the beginning. At least they are going to compensate a little bit for my travel expenses. I just wish I was tougher but I guess a lot of people can feel scared and hopeless. I just have to remember there is a light in me and there will be a place where I can bloom. Thrive.

For now I am supposed to be inspired by my environment and write portfolio’s about it and then take in all the feedback. It’s overwhelming. Don’t we all feel overwhelmed sometimes? Shouldn’t I be grateful? Grateful that I get to be overwhelmed by schoolwork? By feedback, by people who want to see me grow? Or are giving me advice on how to grow. I don’t know. Maybe I should. Maybe somewhere I do see it. That it is a learning experience and somehow an opportunity. I guess an opportunity not many get. Maybe I am growing even though I don’t see it. Maybe it is growth pain.

I hope you are doing well wherever you are and until next time! X

Ik vind mezelf vertwijfeld

In angst

Mezelf niet te hebben lief gehad

Ik vind mezelf vertwijfeld

Zoekend naar hoe ik moet zijn

Ik vind mezelf overweldigd

Door alle pijn

Gedachtes die stapelen en ratelen

Lijken oneindig te zijn

Ik vind mezelf vertwijfeld

Om hoe ik kan zijn

I’m reading a very interesting book about life lessons. Each lesson is only about three pages and so it’s an easy read. One was quite shocking about a working mother who only had ten minutes of rest a day to read the paper and even then she was still bothered. It sounded like a nightmare to me.

In the book I read about wanting to want things. I’m curious about what I truly want. I might want a bigger house, so I can live with others. I don’t want to work everyday unless I truly love it. That might be helping others or taking care of others or being interested in others. Otherwise, I can’t see myself doing it. Plus, after the summer, I don’t see myself getting up before 6 ever again. At least, I hope so.

TV-land which is more than an hour away from my city is still calling me. Come and be an interviewer. But I don’t want to get up that early, neither do I want to move and I guess I should just start my own podcast or YouTube videos or just keep on writing my blog. Writing and talking are great ways to express yourself and listening and a bit of reading to enlighten yourself. This enlightenment you can give to others who listen and then they can give that gift. A gift that keeps on giving. Hopefully, we inspire each other.

Yesterday I got a beautiful compliment about just telling him to work on something even for just a minute helped him work on it for an hour. He was so grateful. I was glowing and enjoying his appreciation until I told him that I got the trick from someone else to which he said I was taking all the credit. Then I put a spin on it that made us all happy. I got this life lesson from someone and he got it from me and maybe one day he would give this life lesson to someone else.

Freddy, my dear friend, who studies philosophy, and gives his life lessons for free, has so much to teach me. I think somewhere today it just clicked. He’s always talking about getting behind the steering wheel. I finally see that that is very true. I always thought I didn’t have much control over my life or over my situation and that I didn’t have a lot to say or that I could not finish schoolwork, that it was too hard or that my feelings were too hard. But I’m learning now that I take lots of tests and that even in the midst of feeling anxious I can still manage a lovely weekend with friends. It’s truly not easy but I think I never knew I could do it. I have a helpline though. A literal one. I sometimes call the listening line and hope they have a beautiful life lesson or that somehow by talking I get somewhere where I feel hopeful, peaceful or feeling at least a little less bad than before. Usually it is really helpful and I feel calmer than before, sometimes it gets worse and sometimes it didn’t help but I guess you get to hear your own thoughts for a bit which van be scary and insightful.

Weird, not having to be so scared of my own feelings anymore. Just living life and carrying on. Even though I cry sometimes or get very stressed. Life goes on and so do I. I sometimes feel like I should be even tougher or stronger but maybe I’m okay where I am now. I’m also not emotionless.

Step by step I’m learning. I noticed I caught myself a few times. And sometimes it works and I don’t cry or can stop myself. I’m happy not to be alone in a car in the dark while it’s raining, alone with my thoughts. I enjoy the train much better whilst the train has also given me so much anxiety. Just the feeling of being scared and that your stuck there with your thoughts. Sometimes for me it is a bit much. I’m wondering if a mindfulness retreat would help me train my brain.

I’m happy just lying on the sofa today. I’ll go out for a walk soon. Who knows what life lessons are on their way. I hope you’re doing well wherever you are and until next time!

I might put the candles on in a bit. Probably no music since I have a headache and just want to take it easy. I know that putting on candles is really bad for you but I really enjoy it. Then having a fireplace and enjoying the fire must be bad for the oxygen too… Hmm. Now that I heard that there can be sugar in tea, I just want to drink water. My eating habits aren’t up to standard yet. I just want to eat a little less which isn’t always easy. I think I am eating quite healthy though.

My dance classes are up and so are my kickboxing classes. Now it’s hard to keep up with salsa or swimming if I’m honest. Well, I’ll try. I might find time to walk in nature with a friend again :).

I started with giving lessons in language at a company again. I love it so much! Nice people, nice kids! Fun.

I am also trying to work on my schoolwork. Not loving it but trying my best. It’s exhausting really. Sometimes I do enjoy giving lessons though. I am really tired but still going on. I spend a lot of time in the library. Can’t wait to be finished and then I’ll probably miss it. Weird.

I hope you’re doing well wherever you are and until next time! X

I listen to a lot of the podcasts made by the diary of a ceo. They talk about health and happiness. I find it very interesting. They also talk about love and philosophy. My brain seems to crave more information.

If I wonder what my morals are, is to take care of yourself in order to take care of others. This means eating fruit and exercising. It actually means I should cook more for myself and others too in order to get some vitamins and proteins. Hmm. Cooking for others actually does make me happy.

I’m glad that I help others with languages and all kinds of questions they come across. I’m happy to laugh with them. I like getting to know them.

I am also here to connect with others, I find listening to others, encouraging others, playing with others really important. It’s enjoyment and caring for others and myself.

I hope I keep on contemplating my whole life.

I hope you are doing okay and hopefully even more than okay. Until next time! X