Hoe maak ik 
Van deze dag 
Een mooie

Carpe diem
Zeggen ze in het Latijn

Pluk de dag
Zeggen ze in het koude kikkerlandje

Mono no aware
Zeggen ze in Japan

Het mooie en licht treurige inzien
Van het verstrijken van de tijd
De schoonheid van vergankelijkheid

Zoals bloesem
Wat valt van de boom
Waaiend in de wind

De tijd
Pak je kans
Wees de kapitein van jouw boot

Maak keuzes
Anders doet een ander het voor je

Het benauwt me

Wees in het hier en nu
Zeggen de boeddhisten

Pauzeer
Zou ik willen zeggen

Even genieten
Savour the moment
Zoals de Engelse zeggen

Even gewoon zijn

Een zangeres vroeg me wat liefde was
Ik zei
In stilte met elkaar zijn

Ik voel me
Helemaal geaccepteerd
Verbonden

Als ik even
Niet hoef te praten
Niet hoef te vermaken
Niet hoef te luisteren

Maar gewoon
Even mag zijn

Bijvoorbeeld
Hand in hand
Even wandelen

Even gewoon zijn

Hij tikt en hij tikt

En ik houd ‘m niet bij

Wat kan ik allemaal

Proppen

In die tijd

De tijd die tikt

De tijd zal het leren

Dat zeggen ze

Wel eens

En wat ie zal leren

Zeggen ze

Er niet bij

Dus wacht ik maar

Op wat de tijd

Brengen zal

En ondertussen

Prop ik tijd 

In tijd

Tijd die er niet is

Maak ik

Alsof ik

Een tovenaar ben

Ik vlieg

Heen en weer

Steeds sneller

Snel, sneller, het snelst

Hoe kan dat nou verder

Meer meer meer

En de tijd 

Die wordt steeds minder

Maar ik moet toch

Ik moet

Mijn geliefden zien

Ik moet

Moet

Mijn taken afronden

Ik moet voor 

De huisdieren

En mijn partner zorgen

Ik moet

Moet lesgeven

Moet geld verdienen 

Ik moet kinderen krijgen

Anders is de tijd

Tragisch

Tevergeefs 

Niet de moeite

Dus

Moet 

Ik

Ik moet meer

Meer traumas verwerken

Weten

Weten wat ik in 

Mijn rugzak meeneem

En wat niet

De tijd

Verstrijkt

De tijd glijd

Gaat

Aan me voorbij

Ik kan hem niet grijpen

Die tijd

Hij tikt

Tikt

Tikt 

Maar door

Maar niet voor

Voor 

Mij

I prefer to write this in Dutch for some reason. My first language is English. Dutch feels closer to home.

Dus, Nederlands. Nederlands, dus.
Daar ben ik dan. Zowel Nederlands als Engels en blijkbaar een boel te vertellen. Ik ben lekker aan het rekken wat ik ga zeggen. Waarom is dat?

De kat zit op schoot. De vogels buiten kraaien wat. Auto’s zoeven voorbij. Het is koud. Gelukkig lig ik onder een deken. Als ik uit het raam kijk, zie ik een blauwe lucht met roze wolken.

De kat, Mause, begint plots te miauwen. Alsof hij voelt dat ik wat gespannen raak. Hij kijkt naar buiten, alsof ie ook naar buiten wilt. Op de achtergrond, hoor ik Ella of Elvis piepen. Dat zijn twee kleine valkparkietjes.

Mause was al bijna van schoot geklommen en het gemiauw kan dan eindeloos zijn. Soms noemen we hem borrelkat. Niet vanwege het spinnen, maar vanwege een ander geluid dat hij maakt: borrelen.

Ja, je leest het goed: we. We noemen hem een borrelkat. Nu gaat hij voluit miauwen, maar dat negeer ik maar even. Misschien laat ik hem zo nog uit. Ja, dat lees je goed. Touwtje, tuigje en gaan.

We noemen hem borrelkat, menance, lief, zoet, Mausul, gezien we elkaar Franzul en Hanzul noemen. Het is zo fijn. Zo fijn om samen te wonen.

Begrijp me niet verkeerd, soms word ik helemaal gek. Vooral van alle taken die gedaan moeten worden. Maar gelukkig pakt mijn vriend het na al die maanden eindelijk op en ook een beetje uit zichzelf. Echt fijn.

Hij heeft laatst echt een heerlijke lasagne gemaakt. Het leven is veel minder alleen. En wat is het alleen geweest. We hadden gisteren familie over de vloer en voor het eerst zei ik dat ik mama en Omi zo mis. Opa ook, zo met zijn pijp.

Ja. Het was best wel eenzaam zo opgroeien grotendeels zonder ouders en al gauw zonder opa en oma. Enig kind. Mijn tante heeft me wel eens iets gezegd over Remy alleen op de wereld. Ik weet niet of dat een uitspraak of een boek is of allebei.

Tja. Je verandert het niet. Het verleden verander je niet en in het heden zijn al die mensen er ook niet meer. Het enige wat ik nu heb is tijd. Tijd om te besteden met de lieve mensen die er nu zijn. Dat vind ik belangrijk.

Wat ik belangrijk vind heb ik besproken met mijn partner. We hebben een envision board gemaakt. Hoe we ons leven zien en wat we er ook nog in zouden willen hebben en waar we ook een voorzetting van willen hebben.

Bijzonder om er zo achter te komen dat we gemeenschappelijke hobby’s hebben zoals live muziek en liefde voor cd’s en plaatjes. We houden van natuur en van spelletjes doen.

En zo hebben we ook apart van elkaar dingen die we leuk vinden zoals dansen of boulderen. We hebben vrienden en familie en die delen we met elkaar, maar we hebben gisteren toevallig gezegd dat het soms ook goed is om met iemand af te spreken los van elkaar.

Het is wel bijzonder hoor, zo’n relatie navigeren. Zeker als je net gaat samenwonen. Een goede vriend van mij, die acht jaar samen is geweest met ex partner zei dat het wel een jaar duurt voordat je elkaars nukken kent. Nou, dat hoop ik toch niet. Wat een gedoe. Ik vind een jaar wel heel lang. Ach, misschien valt het allemaal wel mee.

Die vriend herkent wel een boel dingen. Die noemt het huishouden een kleine business die je samen runt. Dat je minder tijd/energie hebt voor anderen en dat je ook nog leuke dates moet blijven bedenken en doen met elkaar. Hij snapt de uitdaging. Het is helaas niet gelukt toen met zijn partner, maar ze zijn nog altijd hele goede vrienden en hij heeft nu een nieuwe partner waarmee hij overweegt samen te gaan wonen.

Liefde. Vooral die partner liefde. Daar verlangen zoveel mensen naar. Ik ook. Heel lang heb ik dat gedaan. En daar zat ik dan op die apps en weer op date en dan een kans geven en dan was het er weer niet. ‘You got your hopes up’. Tja. Als ik nu reclames zie van datingbureaus denk ik: gelukkig hoeft dat niet meer. Wat een gedoe. En ik voel dus ook mee met alle singles. Wat een gedoe, hè.

Mijn oom zei gisteren dat we een mooi plekje hadden zo samen. ‘Het werd ook weleens tijd hè’. Die voelde ik wel. Had ik het dan sneller moeten doen? Het kon niet sneller. Maar hij heeft wel gelijk. Ik ben inmiddels 31. Een boel ex vriendjes verder. Het was het niet en opeens woon ik samen met een lieve man met kat en vogels. Ik had het niet helemaal durven dromen. Gehoopt wel.

Ik ben dankbaar.

I hope you are doing well wherever you are and until next time! X

The Christmas thought is one of love. There were even wars that ended during Christmas time. I guess the idea is that Christmas brings people together. It can feel like a lot of pressure but it can also be really nice. If you are lucky and sometimes you have a bit of luck in your own hands.

I got a Christmas card from my neighbour, also from a few others and for some reason I feel very obligated to reply to the neighbour and or neighbours possibly. Maybe I just want us all to feel home. If I can find the time, I’ll look for some Christmas cards in all the stuff my boyfriend and I collected throughout the years. Stuff and more stuff, haha.

Today my boyfriend and I will be cooking. We will try out a recipe that we might serve during New Year’s Eve and for another late dinner with family. I suppose it’s a late Christmas dinner in January. I haven’t really defined it. Oh well, we don’t need to, I guess.

Maybe it is also nice to be an adult. You have a lot of responsibilities and within family and friend groups, I am always the oldest and I feel very responsible. But well, it is nice to have some responsibility. Some control. It’s nice to ask people to come over, to host. To make other people’s days and to have some fun yourself.

I really enjoyed my birthday, we played a game of hints/charades in a way and we did it in English since my childhood friend came over and even though he has been living in the Netherlands for the past two years, he doesn’t speak English. We enjoyed chips with Dutch mayonnaise and laughter and hugging the pets.

Maybe life can be really nice during winter time. It’s supposed to be a record of 20 days not seeing the sun in the Netherlands and a few days ago, there the sun was. I’ve bought vitamine D pills. Got to be that responsible adult that takes care of themselves ha. Well, well, I am trying to do well.

And I guess I am. Even though I am stressed and really have to get used to a new situation by living with a lot of other beings, it is really a form of togetherness I might have dreamed of and hoped for. I can adjust and I will be fine with all the new tasks and now we can share responsibilities since we are both functioning adults hahaha. Yes, it’s a lovely romance. A crazy household with too many pets that don’t go together and furniture that doesn’t always go together and a mix of tableware but we enjoy each others company and are trying to make the best out of it. I love the other beings that I am living with ❤

And I wish you love.

Take care wherever you are and until next time!

I’m under a soft blanket lying on my big blue sofa. It’s nice and cosy, especially with the music I put on. Yesterday evening was a lovely evening. Hans and I enjoyed some fries, which can be considered my favourite food and I am also really starting to enjoy the Dutch kroket. Mmm! After that we spontaneously decided to meet up with some friends and enjoy free live music. There were also dance performances and cheerleader performances and a beautiful performance with my favourite music from Yann Tiersen which became famous because of the film Amelie. My favourite movie. A lot of favourites that evening for me. We could easily go home at a very nice and early time and enjoy some play time with our cat and enjoy some crisps with a funny series afterwards. A great evening!

Christmas time has come early for us. I am happy that such creative things are organized in our beautiful tinie tiny European city. It is such a warm city with beautiful old buildings. I feel safe and at home here. I am so glad I didn’t have to move. I am really happy my loving partner chose to live with me and living for all the years he has been on earth in his city he has moved for me. He must be truly in love with me. Haha, I know he is. And I love him so. PUKE! haha

I am wondering how the rest of the world is doing? For some Christmas time is hard and let me tell you it can also make me nervous. How do I please everyone? How do I see everyone I need to see? Some years it was me wondering if I was alone. Some years it was all fun and games, some years it was a bit boring. One year was a year I couldn’t meet expectations. But I am not as ‘my little sibling’/my former housemate who during the summer longs for Christmas time. I am happy for the little one that there is so much appreciation for Christmas time and they expand their decorations each year and apparently it is truly a time of celebration and a warm get together for ‘my sibling’.

For me it also feels a little bit more complicated. One year I went to the grave of my mothers, never told my family and didn’t want to mess with the atmosphere and wanted to keep everyone happy. I couldn’t though, because spontaneously going to the graveyard meant that the lasagna wasn’t cooked yet. So, everyone had to wait. Somehow this year her grave is calling me. Hi, Frances, will you come and have a talk? I must miss her. Somehow, I wish I could introduce her to my partner. Maybe we will go. Maybe I will introduce him. Maybe we will go another time.

For now, I really enjoyed yesterday evening and there are festivities every evening from now in Zwollywood and so I hope that I will visit our Winter Festival at least once more and truly enjoy my time surrounded by other creatives.

I hope you are doing well wherever you are and until next time! X

Take care x

Here I am. I am still here. Haven’t written on my blog for a while. Just checking in.

Let’s see how I am doing then. Actually weird that the whole world could possibly follow my life. I guess parts of my life, you’d actually have to be a stalker if you wanted to follow every part of my life and even then, you wouldn’t fit into the little stall for the toilet with me, hahaha.

Well, on a more serious note. I am being confronted with letting the grave of my mother go. It has been nearly 20 years that she has been there, which means her bones will be taken away and that spot will be a grave for someone else I believe. I don’t even know where they will take my mothers remains. For me that means, no place to go to say hi and to chat to my mother. No place to be angry at her, no place to be loyal to her, no place to bring her plants. No more yearly ritual.

I must say I don’t like the idea of it. Of her grave being gone. Her stone, her name. But I’ll have to get used to it. I already tried talking to a tree in a park instead of her grave. It wasn’t a success. People walked by, probably thought I was crazy. Dogs walked passed, I felt like I needed to stop talking. It was a bit uncomfortable. Uneasy. I hope to find a new ritual. I was thinking about talking to a candle. But I like going out of the house, going to a huge plant store, buying her a plant, going to a place and coming back again. For my father, I used to think of water. He was always at the other side of the water, which made sense, since he was in England and I was in the Netherlands. Now, I mean, his ashes are scattered in Scotland and I can still visit that place. But for my mom, I feel like there is no place to go.

What does make me think of my mom? Colourful clothes, lots of loud laughter, drawing with pastels, playing games, listening to Elton John/Mariah Carey, playing basketbal, going outside and collecting things that belong to nature. A lot of chatting. Stones, a spiritual stone shop. Maybe I should create a shrine? I don’t like that word. Maybe just a spot in the house with a stone and a candle, possibly with a photo of her, where I can visit and say hello if I want to. I wouldn’t know where to do this. Possibly this can be set up, that it isn’t always there staring me in my face, confronting me with her death, but it is there when I need it and I can put a candle on and talk to her. Maybe that’s not a weird idea. In the privacy of my home. And then I can leave that room, possibly go for a walk or do something else, to let go of the chat.

There are always possibilities. This is how my philosopher friend trained me. Think in options. Well, I must say, I am kind of proud of my solution.

For the rest, there are big life changes. Other big life changes happening. I am living with my boyfriend. He moved to another city for me. He has been living in a Frisian city for nearly whole his life and now he has moved one hour away. To Americans, this sounds really close. But for Dutchies it isn’t super far away but it is also not close. From my city, the furthest city away is three hours, which means our country is tinie tiny and we observe distance in a different way. Everything that is a 15 min bike ride is far away to me. Now that we are living at a new spot, I am biking further distances. Luckily, my boyfriend told me I could use his bike. His super sonic bike, hahaha. Well, it has gears, which is great.

We are getting used to a lot of things. Who is doing which chore, finances, seeing other people and doing hobbies/sports, while still seeing enough of each other, taking care of birds, getting to know neighbours and probably more things. It is a bit challenging and can be stressful at times. Especially moving. Omg, we really argued about a washing machine. We got it fixed though and we talked about it afterwards. We communicate a lot with each other. I feel safe with him <3.

Well, well, well. That might be it for it right now.

I hope you are doing well wherever you are and until next time! X

P.S. Life is full of options, solutions, just got to think about them and talk about them. Take care!

I just feel like complaining. Hahaha. Yup! Welcum to the blog where I complain. Apparently it is something the Dutch love. Other cultures must love it too. We complain about the weather, politics, train delays, work, relationships, rent, opportunities to housing, student loans, working after 65 years old, broken stuff, bad movies, crowds, our inability to queue, changes to roads, traffic…

What do we enjoy in the Netherlands? Our cheese, the ability to cycle mostly everywhere, beers, ‘borrelplank’ which is our version of tapas, sports, hobbies, music, ice skating, football, going out for food, holidays within the Netherlands or abroad, good roads, many trains, the opportunity to health care for an okay price, opportunities to many studies, technological advances such as dykes, self made land called Flevoland, food from all over the world, cheap clothing (at what cost?), cheap products (at what cost?), secondhand shops and online sites that give away free stuff and shelters for the homeless, food for the less fortunate, a pay-check even when you fall ill…

I am aware of how beautiful the Netherlands is. I love that I have so much freedom as a woman. I can study, I can work. I like that our roads are cleaned and that our rubbish is stored below ground before taken away and that we try to recycle, that the country feels mostly safe, that everything is close by, that our lighting works, that plants and flowers are being taken care of by our government on the street.

Maybe I should like how efficient things are around here. People respect each other’s time mostly. Most Dutch people speak English and try to keep up with technological advances. I hope in the hope to make the lives of others better, to make this world a better place.

Sometimes life feels grim, frustrating, confronting. Life is full of paradoxes. Contradictions. Maybe I just need to focus on what makes life beautiful.

I hope you are doing well wherever you are. Until next time! X

It was just so special. I’ve barely slept. I’m just só excited by all the love, laughter, the emotions, genuinely touched by it all. The vulnerability, the openness, remembering all the good stories, remembering all the hard work. Wanting wanting wanting to graduate for years so badly and finally doing it. Just so happy to be part of this group of people who really want to be part of my life ❤️. Just so special.

I’ve lost a lot. Lost my mother when I was young, was an orphan. Moved to so many places. Talked different languages. Met so many people. Now I get to be 30. With a lovely partner, friends and family. So many people in my life that I didn’t know were going to be there. Little Frances never knew she could meet all these people, feel so loved and supported. And just feel like we could all have só much fun together!

My chosen family. I lost my mom, I lost my dad. I got chosen family. I am so lucky. To all the orphans out there: don’t give up! The road is long and bumpy but keep trying! Do your best, show up, try to appreciate and show care, love and empathy. You’ll be fine.

I can’t actually believe it. I’ll be fine and I might be able to turn much older than my parents did and I think I will be able to do it surrounded by lovely people. It’s so special.

I cried at the dinner after my graduation. My mom (foster mom) gave such a heartwarming speech. My mother in law was so kind. My friend, my dear friend wanted a picture with me and my other mom (also foster mom) couldn’t stop taking pictures of me with everyone. Just so happy. It truly was a celebration. Maybe not even just of my graduation but of my life. My life shared with these special people.

I hope you are doing well wherever you are. Until next time! X

Take it step by step, chica. I can easily feel overwhelmed because next to everyday stressors, I take on stressors that aren’t here yet. Today I just told myself I can take it easy. Focus on the near future. Not that I’m letting my long terms go but that I try to not get too worked up about it.

I can cook, I can also can get take away. No problemo. Financially, I will work it out and I think I’ll be okay.

For the rest I am so lucky and fortunate. Family and friends and a wonderful partner. I feel supported and loved.

Tomorrow is my graduation. Exciting!!

I hope I enjoy it and get plenty of time to enjoy hanging with everyone and that we may share many laughs together and hopefully the food’ll be nice and the atmosphere. I feel like it will be an evening never to forget surrounded by loved ones. Very special.

I hope you are doing well wherever you are. Until next time!

Hello lovely keyboard,

Hello lovely letters,

Hello lovely words,

Hello thoughts,

I’m just checking in.

You’ve been quite busy the past months. Getting to know your family in law, the friends of your partner, keeping up with your friends and family, taking care of them by listening or giving gifts or picking them up and dropping them off.

You have been busy. Busy reflecting on your life. On your youth and how you want others to have a different life or a different experience. How you wish others to be less lonely. Supported. Loved.

You have been busy by working 10 hours a day and helping out 25 students at a time in one hour. You have been busy bonding with them, correcting them, working with other colleagues and technical difficulties, you have three jobs at the same time. You have been busy.

You haven’t collapsed yet. But it’s time to stop and try to impress your partner by taking at least an hour to cook some dish which is tajine. Seriously, take it easy. Lemon squeezy.

So, I have decided to work less. And show up for events that I have the time and energy for. My philosopher friend would call this energy management. We’ve all got to deal with it somehow.

And yes I still want to cook and hoover and clean the beddings, separate the trash, do the washing and get the dishes cleaned. The thing is, I miss being on my own. I miss looking outside, taking a peak at the birds. I miss my sofa.

Thank god, I don’t have to be perfect, ha?! Who said life would be easy? Nobody did. There are a lot of responsibilities. But luckily there are many things to enjoy too. And mindfulness says be present while brushing your teeth, for example. I mean, maybe everything can be pleasant.

I enjoy a walk in the park, throwing a ball or kicking it with my boyfriend or blowing bubbles. I enjoy cuddling him. I enjoy his jokes. I enjoy my niece’s jokes. I enjoy spending time with friends who know me through and through. Who can feel like brothers and sisters. I enjoy hanging out in my bathrobe. I enjoy a shower.

I enjoy a lot of music and since my partner is in my life I get to enjoy much more live music. More to come this weekend! It also means a lovely conversation or sharing this music with others.

I hope you get to enjoy many things. And can feel peace even while doing chores or going about your daily life and fulfilling your responsibilities.

I hope you get to enjoy plants like I do and lovely meals with loved ones and that you are all right.

Take care. Until next time!