Dear orphans,

Welcome to your safe space. Feel free to e-mail me any time. I am one of you. I have been an orphan since I was a little girl. I moved countries and learned a different language. Life can be scary as an orphan. And so for all the orphans out there: I am here. I am now an adult and I care. I care about orphans and about loss and support. I am so lucky to have made long lasting friendships where I can be myself and feel supported and loved. I hope this for every orphan. That they can find a job, a place to live and above all love. Because that is what orphans lack growing up: support and love. To be cared for, to be seen, wanted, held, loved. As an orphan, when you grow up, you come to find, that you need to take care of yourself, as every adult has to do but orphans miss something fundamental: a base, a home to come back to, familiar faces, a warm welcome, a hug, warm words, support, love, encouragement, wise words.

And yes, orphans, we will long for this our whole lives. The longing for a loving and caring parent will never go away. It’s just that it isn’t there and it will continue to hurt. The thing is that what orphans can do is not live in the shadows. Ask for help, show yourself, be part of your community, contribute, be kind, loving and giving, be open to life, see the opportunities, grab life by it’s horns. Life is full of wonders.

Maybe that is why Amelie is my favourite film. A french film full of wonders. A film with a very generous character. Today I decided to send handwritten letters. It gave me a purpose and it felt like I sent love today.

Sending love ❤

Here with these words I can be myself. I can be with myself. And being with myself isn’t that scary. Even though sometimes it seems to be. Others showed me life is scary and that they needed help. When I feel sadness and anger, the feelings seem to shout help. Maybe it is my mother shouting help! Help, Frances, help me! I don’t know the way back home. I’m lost.

She was lost. She was restless. And sometimes I feel restless. Scared. Filled with rage. As if the feelings have pointy edges. Screaming: help, help! But so much has happened. So many wounds have opened, so much pain, damage, emotional and physical pain has come to me in life. And now, I am left with the wounds, with the marks, the scars. Left to my own devices on how to heal.

Luckily I have got intuition and people tell me I am good at reflection. I also have very loving friends. Understanding, really living through what I am living, rooting for me, hoping for me, helping me, caring for me. Giving me a card or a gift, sending me options for a place to live, going on a day out on the bike. Sometimes strangers or neighbours are so kind. So kind, it nearly overwhelms me. Sometimes the kindness makes me feel guilty as if I should do more.

Maybe that is my mother shouting help! I’m scared. I’ve always depended on her and she depended on me and of course you are depended on each other but she never found her footings, her bearings, her peace. There was nothing to come back to. And I do feel peace. I feel rest. I can feel relaxed. I can be with my emotions. Even though I sometimes do get overwhelmed and it is my task to be curious. Why am I scared?

How do I become myself, love myself, take care of myself, whilst being an interbeing, dependent of everything around her and at the same time independent. Maybe it has to do with peace, going back to peace. Being present, feeling what you are feeling or thinking, letting it be.

Letting it be, letting it go. Letting things go scares me. But I am probably past the point of not doing things that scared me. I can let go and so I do. I felt so much rage. It keeps coming. Feeling unheard, unseen, unloved, uncared for. The wish of the love, the care, the nurishment. The longing. The hope. The hope that is lost.

The hope I now have to give to myself. The love I have to give to myself. It’s there. The love just needs a safe attachment to myself. No need to be scared, no need to scream, to shout help, I’m here. I have always been here. I have got your back. I am here. I love you. I love you so much. I love your curls, I love your eyes, your softness, your openness, I love you. I love you for who you are. Even though that is scary. Because who are you? I am Frances. A being, just like another being. And I love.

I have love to give.

Sending love ❤