Life is changing. Big changes. I’m growing up and maybe I’m at the point where I’m not an adolescent any more but I am an adult. An adult that makes it’s own decisions.

All right then grown up who wants to depend on themselve and can depend on themselve. What would you like to tell her?

She is doing well. Even though there are so many tough things going on, you are going to work and setting steps to finding a new house and probably are soon going to have another environment. In several ways.

Everything seems to be changing. Except the plants and the cat, the same job, the same library I keep going to and friends who are still in my life. With some I’ve become closer. A lot of relationships are changing. What does that say?

I am I changing? Do I have different needs? Sometimes I feel conflicting feelings about choices and at the same time I don’t choose something on a whim. I carefully write down why I think something needs to be evaluated, what the pros and cons are and I think some more about it. I’ve thought so much for the past few weeks.

I feel like a break. Like going to salsa this evening. I couldn’t go to my dancing lesson yesterday, so maybe today I’ll go dancing.

Somehow in the midst of the storm I don’t feel panic. Sometimes sadness, anger, acceptance, hope and especially a certain surge in energy. A certain energy for life. Wanting to care for myself, wanting and hoping, going after goals, a life energy that feels like I never fully had before. I’ve felt it before but it is as if this feeling has grown. A certain way of saying I’ve got your back. You got it. Go get it. Go grab life. Grab it by it’s horns.

A certain feeling that I can deal with sadness, loss, anger, changes. That I can go for a walk, talk to a friend, draw for a bit, write for a bit and just feel okay. Go to work, teach students and feel like a fish in the water.

Maybe I’m just growing into my own. Really having my back, taking care of myself. Being the captain of my own ship. There were three nights that I didn’t sleep that much. For the rest I am sleeping better. I am knackered though. So many new things that my brain and body can barely keep up. But I am keeping up with it and I am pushing through.

See me go world, see me go. Grab life. Grab it! Go get it! I got it ❤

I wonder if I can handle this post. I’ve seen the bags under my eyes and my body feels heavy. My mind is racing.

What is all this racing around about? My mind wants to think, it wants to solve. My body wants to rest.

So many plans for today. Maybe too many. I cannot change them now.

And so, here I am. Lying on my big blue sofa. Listening to dreamy music and the cat snoring. Outside I can hear the birds chirping and cars driving by.

My feet hurt. I’ve walked a lot last week. I was in Marrakesh. It’s a big city full of scents and sights. Maybe shops, trinkets, scooters, bikes, horses, mules and people. A few squares full of handmade hats, shoes, art work, lamps, bags and clothes. There was a lot of food too. Great food. So many tajines. And one thing you could only get in Marrakesh: tajiyina. It’s a little different to the tajine. The food is made in a different pot. I also heard stories about a certain pot that was kept for several hours deep in the ground. They really take care of their food since they take their time. It’s delicious. Not too spicy and not too bland.

My behaviour during this week abroad wasn’t usual. I would raise my voice, I’d complain about my knees, head, stomach and all the fast walking. I’d try to plan getting money out of the machine in order not to get a bad price for it. I didn’t get much sleep and I was bleeding since I started my period, but didn’t let it actually go to full blast since I kept taking my birth control pill. This all became a lovely cocktail. My friend said at one point: ‘This is the first day you are not stressed’. We met other travelers. They were German and English. I could talk about my favourite British show ‘Taskmaster’. The other voyagers told me that had parties back at home inspired by the show. It cheered me up.

The last few days I’ve come to notice that I might be a film fanatic. I gave the German lady many recommendations for shows and films. Back at home I watched ‘The grand Budapest hotel’. I enjoyed the mystery and the cinematography. I love the art department, the music and the poetry. It was an exciting film with a good story.

There are many things floating through my mind. Mainly my future. I am wondering how to make the best out of it. I am very fearful. Fearful of failing. Not failing actually, more not being enough. By my standards it will probably never be enough. Everything has to be perfect. It’s exhausting.

I want the perfect house, perfect boyfriend, happy children, who are never sad or angry because of me, I want space for the cat and the birds, a garden, a bath, friends who visit me all the time, family that visits from time to time, and well you know: ‘happy ever after’.

Life just doesn’t feel that way. It feels like a constant struggle. Isn’t that life? ‘C’est la vie’, great film by the way.

Well, life is survival after all. And for survival, you have to adapt. And so, I’m constantly adapting. Am I enjoying it? Not really. Am I doing it? Yes, madam, I am.

Do I just long for no responsibilities and a care free life? Yes. Would it be boring and without any meaning? Maybe. Do I long for some rest? Definitely.

Some phrases fear me: ‘If nothing changed, I wanted to separate’. I feel like things have to change quickly. Otherwise…

Well yeah. Otherwise? I think things are changing. And that sentence wasn’t mine originally but others keep putting it in my mouth and now they have become my words: ‘If this doesn’t get better, if that doesn’t change…’

I’m not sure anymore. I feel like I am actually in a really good place and maybe I’m unable to see it. See it clearly.

Life isn’t that bad after all. I will get some more sleep, surely. I will continue to plan fun lunches, games and dates. Life isn’t lonely. But it is challenging. Who knew my biggest challenge wouldn’t be loneliness?

I just see so many clouds on the horizon. They are all coming for me, some are huge, grey and filled with doom, gloom and lightning. They are going to strike me. I must run, hide, figure out how to fight. Fight the clouds. While actually the blue sky has been there all along. Clouds pass. It’s just sometimes hard to see clearly.

This morning it was very misty. It has cleared. Now I can only see blue sky.

I hope you are doing well wherever you are. Until next time! X