Usually I listen to music while I write. Currently it is silent. My neighbourhood is quiet quite. I enjoy it. It is green and peaceful. My neighbours greet me when they see me. And it’s located in the city centre. Lucky girl.

The rent is extremely high. Not much higher than my landlord is allowed to ask but still much higher than the rent I had to pay when I was sharing a house with roommates. I do miss my roommates but I have contemplated moving back to a situation with roommates or group housing and it somehow just doesn’t seem as inviting as it was before.

So, here I am on my own in my little apartment which feels spacious and has enough room for a big table where I can invite others to come and eat and play games. Enjoy candle light, music and the view of the garden.

There are a few downsides to where I live, where I sleep it’s a bit noisy and the bathroom somehow can be a bit smelly. I tried all sorts of things but the smell sometimes comes and goes. And the rent that continues to increase. But for the rest I am content. I like that the distance to the station isn’t that far as are the many shops. I can easily buy presents for others or get candles or photographs printed. I can buy sunscreen and maybe new shoes or clothes if I need them. I can also bring clothes to a second-hand shop.

I don’t know why I just started writing about my place but I did. I enjoy living in a smaller city in Europe where I can ride my bike. My bike isn’t the best bike of all but it gets me around. I love the lanterns and the water, the boats and the parks. Who knew, this blog would be an appreciation post?

I guess life can feel lonely or unproductive in the summer but I guess I am getting the hang of it. Just when I am getting the hang of it, the school year closes in. I won’t have to go to school to follow classes anymore but I will have to teach. We’ll see how it goes. Might be nice.

I am seeing neighbours and friends and dance lessons just started again. I am seeing my boyfriend a lot and I am also seeing a lot of my family. Hmm. I did a bit of gardening yesterday and I am keeping my rooms cleaner than I usually do. I am reading more and I am enjoying time outside in nature. Yep. That’s getting the hang of it.

Some days are mwah. Those days I open Netflix and watch a drama series. I am trying not to do that anymore and I am even trying not to watch Taskmaster or something else on Youtube before bed. I just listened to Headspace yesterday and went to bed. I did wake up in the middle of the night but slept quickly again. No earplugs yesterday either.

I am also trying to eat less crisps or no crisps at all. I wanted to prove to myself that I am not addicted. On top of that yesterday I saw a video on Youtube about coping mechanisms. Habits. Well, I am trying my best to take care of myself.

I never really use Facebook and Instagram anymore. Weekly I do check whether I have any messages and occasionally scroll a little bit. I immediately regret the scrolling. I really don’t need to see other people’s lives and comparing them to mine. Or a post of a friend. I’d rather hear how my friend is doing in person.

Maybe that is why I also like this blog. It’s more personal in a way. It’s not just me boasting about my holiday or something. It’s more nuanced. Different experiences. Not just pictures. I guess mostly words. I do hear that sometimes people that I know read it. But I have no clue who actually reads it. In that sense, less personal. A bit of a one-way street. The same goes for a book. You don’t really have a conversation with the reader. But books can be inspiring. Some people find recognition in books.

Well, that was my blog for today. I hope you are well wherever you are and until next time! X

Okaaay, okay okay… So! Here we go. I’ve have set some goals. I am very curious to how it will go. Some dude gave advice on YouTube and also told everyone to do it their own way and so I am. I wrote down goals and it kick started my day. Instead of the complaining I did this morning and watching a clip of a couple fighting on Youtube, I wrote down some goals. Yep, turned the day around. Since the 20 minute talk I had this morning wasn’t very beneficial. She had judgements and so had I and it wasn’t getting any better. ‘She’, just someone on the other line I don’t even know. It makes me wonder if I should call this line less frequently. I mean over the last year it has helped me tremendously and at the same time, so does writing. My therapist is still there but only if I send her a message and we meet up, once a month or less frequently. I am just not sure how beneficial it is anymore but yes maybe I should keep talking to her? Especially since she studied human behaviour and knows how to influence me in a positive way.

Well well well. One of my goals is writing a book and I always thought it would be about me moving and losing my parents and other people understanding me. I guess some comedians do get a fanbase which is niche and close to them. Some people do find the support group they are looking for. I have lovely friends and family members. It’s just that other person or group I would’ve liked to talked to who knows what it is like to feel lonely, unloved, uncared for and not prioritized. But at the same time the dude on Youtube and a very good friend of mine who is a philosopher gave me the advice to forgive your parents. They did what they could with the tools that they had and they don’t have the same tools as I. Well… I just have a little more reflection and processing and forgiving to do since I had many caregivers.

But I am trying. As I get older I am reflecting more and I am trying to see more and to open up to what happened and why it happened. I feel angry and sad. I also feel a bit more like an adult who can take care of herself. And for everyone I need to make peace every time. Accept things, forgive. Let go maybe even. In accept it feels like I have no fight, no say, that I just give in. But maybe I just have to, I really have to let go. Accept that things weren’t perfect and people don’t always think about you. I am becoming less precise with birthdays and feeling more boundaries. Sometimes I am actually focused on my studies. I guess I am having a taste of that you can’t do it all. Sometimes you can’t. Maybe that’s okay. Yup. Haha.

I am holding on to things that happened years ago. Neglect, words, actions. Maybe it is time to grow up. Whatever that means. Maybe it is time to feel a bit more relaxed, less critical. More filled with love, more compassion. more peace.

Why do I just feel so angry? Why do I feel so angry? So critical? Why does everything and everyone have to be better? Maybe it is vulnerability. . Maybe it is not knowing everything and wanting to know more and wanting help but not always receiving it. The song goes ‘Sometimes you get what you want, but not what you need’. I don’t know how that exactly applies to my life but maybe it is time for my own goals.

And so for today I am going to put some shoes on, I am going to clean and I am going to print a few photos and if I have some time left maybe hang up some flyers. Time to get busy.

Then I am going to put on music in the car and just be nice. I want to be nice and have a nice evening. I guess growth is uncomfortable and that is what is happening right now. I am growing and I am learning. Don’t stop, don’t quit. Keep on trying. Life is worth living. Just by being there and trying. I read that in a book. That you learn how to live by living. I like that idea. It gives me comfort.

I should give myself some love too. Even though I wasn’t nice on the phone this morning and the lady wasn’t nice either. My apologies. I hope she is having a good day. I just guess that the past few deaths and my own study and final assignments and going to the hospital to get checked for breast cancer and checked for a kidney disease took it’s toll. And others seem to cope fine. Which isn’t always true but I tend to worry a lot. Worrying for too long is a waste of time said the man on Youtube. My philosopher friend also told me that you should give yourself some rest. Tell yourself that was enough for the day. Give yourself a break. Well, maybe it should be one of my goals. Because man, my head can get lost in unhelpful thoughts.

Welp. TIme, TIME TIME TIME… Haha, to get started and get some fun music on and get busy.

Just something I wanted to say to myself before I get started: You don’t have to be perfect.

I hope you are doing well wherever you are and until next time!

It’s not such a warm day today. Well compared to 30 degrees, it isn’t. A nice 24. It might rain. It’s cloudy and the birds are enjoying the seeds I gave them in a bowl on my table outside in my tinie tiny garden. If I look a bit further I see the common garden. It is beautiful filled with pink flowers.

I just read something which left me restless. It’s an interesting book called ‘Becoming myself’. But I just put it away and watched a funny video of Taskmaster where Sue Perkins has to paint and answer questions at the same time. The conversation became a bit absurd which is highly amusing.

But yeah it doesn’t take away the restless feeling. Maybe I am confused about what feminine should be and what masculine should be. Maybe I feel like I should be different and people around me should be different. That I should work out more. Maybe I should read that book that a non binary friend gave me. Maybe I already gave it back. It was called something like ‘Testosterone T-rex’.

Maybe I should just finish the book ‘Becoming myself’ first. I also feel like I need a new hobby. Maybe it’s dancing again? Which isn’t new. Maybe it’s going to the gym? Maybe I should just relax more. Maybe occasionally go for a run. Do some yoga at home or at the yoga spot. I hoped to relax while reading but that usually comes from a comic book rather than from serious literature. Same goes for watching a drama compared to the comical ‘Taskmaster’.

Well… There is some thinking to do and some relaxing too. It’s summertime!

I hope you are doing well wherever you are. Until next time! X