I am listening to ‘Dreamy Vibes’ on Spotify. It says that it is hypnotic bliss. I don’t know about that but it might be calming. Or annoying or maybe I am just simply annoyed. Frustrated, scared. Well and then a second later I just laughed because a man fell from a short flight of stairs. He’s fine. He continued his conversation on the phone, very casually.

It’s dark outside. It has been a rainy day. I haven’t been productive at all. I actually really hate myself. Not every day and I mean I can love myself but I’m just not focusing on the positive things at the moment. A new made friend in the library is a light in the day though and he invited me over for dinner next week. I hope we will enjoy our time.

Scared little stupid shit. That’s what I feel like. Unable to just listen to others or stand up for myself without crying. For others I’d stand up for them. I know I do that since I’ve seen myself do it. Physically and mentally and I’m learning to do it for myself too. I’ve done it many times before and sometimes I’m just a little bit too late.

Like last week. I dated someone. He wasn’t right for me and I knew it. I kept complaining on the listening line – a phone number you can call and a random person will listen to you – and I complained to a friend of mine. At the beginning they mostly said I should wait. Well, I wish I didn’t. It wasn’t making me or him happy. He wasn’t the best at communicating and it made me scared. I didn’t feel safe. I finally said that I didn’t feel safe since he was unpredictable and that was the last straw. It hurt though. I guess I didn’t feel accepted with all my feelings and I guess I couldn’t fully love him for who he was either. He’ll probably be fine since he was happier without me like he said. I mean I just want a partner. But honestly I do want a partner that suits me. But something or someone that distracts me from my horrible school life would have been welcome too.

I hate it. I hate school so much. And here I am. Thirty. Probably privileged because I can go to school and here I am hating it. I don’t want any schoolproject any longer. I don’t want any feedback. I don’t want to feel insecure. I don’t want to stand in front of a classroom full of teenagers who sometimes aren’t respectful. I don’t want to hear every little detail of what I can do better. I don’t want to be a teacher at all. And here I am. Finishing this god damn stupid education of becoming an English teacher. I mean I even stopped re reading my texts here which is funny because I guess people expect my English to be perfect. Well, it isn’t and that’s the way it is. Maybe I’ll start checking it again and maybe I won’t. It won’t keep me up at night.

I love tutoring though and I like one on one time that I spend with students. I like listening to them and bonding with them and helping them out. This is why I went back to my old job where they pay me less than minimum wage but I love it there and I feel safe there and I like the students there.

I wish I was someone filled with hope and who knew what to do. I find it so painful to need to have a vocation, a passion, a safe heaven, something fulfilling. It’s exhausting. And I just realized this will go on until I’m about 70. Then I get to retire. At the same time I thought it was reassuring since it means I’ll keep on doubting myself and not knowing which direction to go in and I’ll have several jobs. Some of which I like and some I won’t. So, there’s nothing new under the sun, which makes me think: why worry at all?

I also hate turning 30. I mean I’m glad I made it an all. But the future gives me so much anxiety. A husband, a child? Isn’t that supposed to be fulfilling, take all my loneliness away? It won’t. I’ll be the same emotional complaining, scared monster that I am now. Calling myself a monster actually brings tears to my eyes. I don’t deserve that. Well, I don’t know what I deserve but I know that it isn’t helpful. I just really don’t like where my head goes. It’s been so negative for so many years and it is just exhausting. I hate feeling unsafe and unsure and maybe even a bit unloved. Unprioritised is what it is. Since I know I am loved. But I actually have stopped liking living on my own. It stopped when I switched internships. I had hope of working somewhere that I felt at home, with the other teachers and the others students. They were calm and respectful and not hard or tough or confrontational. I guess I saw myself in most of them. People were just a bit more soft? I don’t know soft has a negative connotation for me. But I didn’t feel pressured to be something that I am not and people actually listened to each other during meetings and it made me feel safe. I cared about others there. The students and the teachers. I went to student’s projects on my own time and volunteered to take over the tutoring class. I was a nice, safe, creative space.

Now I am working somewhere where it isn’t too bad. But I just feel a bit disconnected and I guess I feel disconnected when I come home too. And then I just feel hopeless since I won’t work there and now I just don’t know where I will fit in I guess. What my added value can be and where I’ll feel safe. Maybe I would like to be part of a team. Maybe I want to start volunteering again. It can be fun and can make me feel connected.

I guess I don’t necessarily feel a disconnect with the job as a teacher but just maybe a certain safe place and colleagues are very important to me. Luckily I am having more and more conversations with colleagues now than at the beginning. I am not getting a fair pay but I knew that at the beginning. At least they are going to compensate a little bit for my travel expenses. I just wish I was tougher but I guess a lot of people can feel scared and hopeless. I just have to remember there is a light in me and there will be a place where I can bloom. Thrive.

For now I am supposed to be inspired by my environment and write portfolio’s about it and then take in all the feedback. It’s overwhelming. Don’t we all feel overwhelmed sometimes? Shouldn’t I be grateful? Grateful that I get to be overwhelmed by schoolwork? By feedback, by people who want to see me grow? Or are giving me advice on how to grow. I don’t know. Maybe I should. Maybe somewhere I do see it. That it is a learning experience and somehow an opportunity. I guess an opportunity not many get. Maybe I am growing even though I don’t see it. Maybe it is growth pain.

I hope you are doing well wherever you are and until next time! X

Ik vind mezelf vertwijfeld

In angst

Mezelf niet te hebben lief gehad

Ik vind mezelf vertwijfeld

Zoekend naar hoe ik moet zijn

Ik vind mezelf overweldigd

Door alle pijn

Gedachtes die stapelen en ratelen

Lijken oneindig te zijn

Ik vind mezelf vertwijfeld

Om hoe ik kan zijn

I’m reading a very interesting book about life lessons. Each lesson is only about three pages and so it’s an easy read. One was quite shocking about a working mother who only had ten minutes of rest a day to read the paper and even then she was still bothered. It sounded like a nightmare to me.

In the book I read about wanting to want things. I’m curious about what I truly want. I might want a bigger house, so I can live with others. I don’t want to work everyday unless I truly love it. That might be helping others or taking care of others or being interested in others. Otherwise, I can’t see myself doing it. Plus, after the summer, I don’t see myself getting up before 6 ever again. At least, I hope so.

TV-land which is more than an hour away from my city is still calling me. Come and be an interviewer. But I don’t want to get up that early, neither do I want to move and I guess I should just start my own podcast or YouTube videos or just keep on writing my blog. Writing and talking are great ways to express yourself and listening and a bit of reading to enlighten yourself. This enlightenment you can give to others who listen and then they can give that gift. A gift that keeps on giving. Hopefully, we inspire each other.

Yesterday I got a beautiful compliment about just telling him to work on something even for just a minute helped him work on it for an hour. He was so grateful. I was glowing and enjoying his appreciation until I told him that I got the trick from someone else to which he said I was taking all the credit. Then I put a spin on it that made us all happy. I got this life lesson from someone and he got it from me and maybe one day he would give this life lesson to someone else.

Freddy, my dear friend, who studies philosophy, and gives his life lessons for free, has so much to teach me. I think somewhere today it just clicked. He’s always talking about getting behind the steering wheel. I finally see that that is very true. I always thought I didn’t have much control over my life or over my situation and that I didn’t have a lot to say or that I could not finish schoolwork, that it was too hard or that my feelings were too hard. But I’m learning now that I take lots of tests and that even in the midst of feeling anxious I can still manage a lovely weekend with friends. It’s truly not easy but I think I never knew I could do it. I have a helpline though. A literal one. I sometimes call the listening line and hope they have a beautiful life lesson or that somehow by talking I get somewhere where I feel hopeful, peaceful or feeling at least a little less bad than before. Usually it is really helpful and I feel calmer than before, sometimes it gets worse and sometimes it didn’t help but I guess you get to hear your own thoughts for a bit which van be scary and insightful.

Weird, not having to be so scared of my own feelings anymore. Just living life and carrying on. Even though I cry sometimes or get very stressed. Life goes on and so do I. I sometimes feel like I should be even tougher or stronger but maybe I’m okay where I am now. I’m also not emotionless.

Step by step I’m learning. I noticed I caught myself a few times. And sometimes it works and I don’t cry or can stop myself. I’m happy not to be alone in a car in the dark while it’s raining, alone with my thoughts. I enjoy the train much better whilst the train has also given me so much anxiety. Just the feeling of being scared and that your stuck there with your thoughts. Sometimes for me it is a bit much. I’m wondering if a mindfulness retreat would help me train my brain.

I’m happy just lying on the sofa today. I’ll go out for a walk soon. Who knows what life lessons are on their way. I hope you’re doing well wherever you are and until next time!

I might put the candles on in a bit. Probably no music since I have a headache and just want to take it easy. I know that putting on candles is really bad for you but I really enjoy it. Then having a fireplace and enjoying the fire must be bad for the oxygen too… Hmm. Now that I heard that there can be sugar in tea, I just want to drink water. My eating habits aren’t up to standard yet. I just want to eat a little less which isn’t always easy. I think I am eating quite healthy though.

My dance classes are up and so are my kickboxing classes. Now it’s hard to keep up with salsa or swimming if I’m honest. Well, I’ll try. I might find time to walk in nature with a friend again :).

I started with giving lessons in language at a company again. I love it so much! Nice people, nice kids! Fun.

I am also trying to work on my schoolwork. Not loving it but trying my best. It’s exhausting really. Sometimes I do enjoy giving lessons though. I am really tired but still going on. I spend a lot of time in the library. Can’t wait to be finished and then I’ll probably miss it. Weird.

I hope you’re doing well wherever you are and until next time! X