When I walk past the ‘Storyboat’ I got sad. I guess I was already sad. I’m not the best at being alone. But I was thinking about the festivals that are held by the people on the ‘Storyboat’ and that the government has decided only to give money to the big annual celebration of our freedom this year and not to the cultural small interesting one where people dance or perform and you can put money into a hat if you think it was worth some money and can decide how much you put in. The performances are original, thrilling, something you can be part of. I once performed as a dancer. I once saw a beautiful act with a prop made out of metal. I once was part of a Ceiligh. Singing in a circle, surrounded by hay. Even if I wouldn’t be part of the performances or go watch them, it makes me sad that they won’t be here anymore. I started considering giving my own money. And then I thought maybe they can repay me by helping me write my own book. But yeah it was just a thought.

I have fond memories of the ‘Storyboat’. It’s where I met one of my best friends. We both followed a course in creative writing. He had a full time job. I might had to be a nanny one time a week. But he never saw me as anything less. He valued our friendship I suppose. I took him jamming. He would watch me perform. I’d sing or play drums. Not that I was any good at it but I really enjoyed it. Now he studies philosophy and I study English. Now I’m really busy. He’s less busy but he has new hobbies like playing piano. He’s just always so calm. He’s been a figure to look up to for me. Just trying to make the best out of it. He’s says he’s a loner but I think he’s social and I’m so lucky to have him. He’s a light in my life. When I felt really down, he would come over and talk to me. He always calls me back. He’s got my back and he is a loyal friend. He lost his girlfriend this year and I tried to sing don’t worry be happy dor him and I played it really really badly for him on the guitar. He appreciated it. It’s not his best year but he’ll be fine. I’ve known him for about 7 years and he is the most capable and stable person I’ve met. He always thinks in options. At least when it comes to advising me. I just love him so much.

I’ve spent today alone. I went out for a walk. Helped a old lady cross the street. We smiled at each other. Ingot take out for one which made me feel even lonelier. But I was really proud for going out and just enjoying my surroundings. Water, pretty lights. People walking around. I should be scared of the water I suppose. It’s going to overflow soon and I live on the ground level. Well, we’ll see what happens I suppose. I might be able to go somewhere else… Let’s just hope it’s not necessary.

For now I am actually looking forward to New Year’s Eve. Not to the cleaning up pet beforehand or afterwards but I am looking forward to having my friends over.

I enjoyed yesterday. A friend and I went to the bookstore and I got a beautiful copy of Aesop’s fables. I used to watch this magician on YouTube and after his trick he would read a fable. So, I saw the book and bought it. I love reading to others. My mom used to do it for me. She would also come up with her own stories. Maybe, even if I don’t raise my own children, I might have influenced others in a good way. By going on group holidays or on my own to the park or by showing my students several books they can read or by listening to others.

Everyone makes an impact. I am quite a good listener. Maybe one day I still need to become an interviewer. I love listening to people and their stories.

What’s your story? I hope you are at a good place. Until next time! X

I found music on Spotify and the theme is dreamy. I guess I needed to relax for a bit and needed to reflect. Since this morning I know that I’m sick. No wonder I fell asleep in the car yesterday than. On the highway. I nearly had an accident. I am not taking the car that far in the near future. Thankfully, we have a good train system in the Netherlands. It’s extremely expensive. So, I have been thinking on how to actually manage the upcoming months. I’ve donated to a charity for nearly six years now and decided to stop that. At least temporarily. Let’s see what will happen this summer. I really hope I graduate and I am just so curious what my life will look like in the summer. And after summer too. I’m curious whether I’ll be searching for a new job soon and maybe a new home? I’ve always found the future scary but it is good to know that I’ve got my back and somehow I’ve always made it work. It gives me a sense of confidence. That I can survive and maybe even thrive.

I like that I am good keeping up with all of my friends and family. I enjoyed celebrating my birthday. I enjoy having parties. I enjoy having people over for New Year’s Eve. I am a very loyal friend. Who knew I was caoable of all f this? That just one trip to the Netherlands can alter your life of having a friendship for years. That just one course meant having a real close relationship and someone knowing you to the bone and just completely accepting you for who you are. It’s nice that I make so many new friends and that I am capable of keeping in touch with them. If that all exists, than you would think there is a partner out there for me too. Maybe next year in the summer I’l start looking around. 

Who knew I could be dependable and calm and have boundaries that work for me and for others? Who knew I could teach others? Who knew I was capable of telling others what my needs are? Who knew I could listen to others but not having to solve all of their problems? Who’d knew that I would grow and become an adult that still makes mistakes but tries to fix them and takes responsibility and shows up and does the work that needs to be done? Who knew I could bring so much light into other people’s lives? So much joy? That I could take such interest in others? And that it wasn’t temporarily but for the long run. For a lot of people in my life it means, once you found me, I’m there for the ride. And maybe sometimes just seeing each other from time to time.

The weakest link in my life has been romance, boys, sex. I treated them as if they could fill a void in my life. The void of loneliness, the void of having nothing to do, the void of missing a mother or maybe even having enough friends or a purpose. A boy used to be everything. I needed a boy to stay afloat. Any boy really. I mean i was somehow interested and with most of them it was my choice. Some I regret. Most of them were okay. One was pretty great. He was a friend. I enjoyed our time together. He didn’t have that much to offer. But he gave me peace and love and was up for anything I suggested. It was a light for me. Something that made me happy during the week. Now several things make me happy, salsa, kickboxing, eating with friends, helping out a student, hanging out in a library, I never knew life could be so full of pleasantries. I guess I should be grateful. Grateful that I made it all happen. It’s takes action and dedication and energy. Life and enjoyment of life doesn’t just come knocking at your door. I am grateful that my moms once helped me pick out new hobbies and made me sign up. Grateful for therapy that I received and learnt how to set goals and reflect on them.

It’s weird to think I’ll be okay. I never really thought that I would. People ask me how do you feel now that you are 30? And I say great! And I mean it. I mean I still don’t know about the whole husband/children situation but I don’t have the time right now. Maybe in the summer and it’s just not something I have that much control over. I have some influence and we’ll see how that goes. But for the rest turning 30. The expectation of having a great job isn’t there yet either but I don’t need a job to show off and I know I’ll make it work. So yeah. Life might just be beautiful anyway. I guess I got more out of it than I expected anyways. Maybe that is why I am so happy. Somebody told me I already had my midlife crisis. I guess so. I went through enough crises to know what darkness actually is. And turning 30 just means I made it. In a way it just feels like I don’t have to be the sad ‘I don’t know what to do with my life and everything is hopeless 20-year-old’. Or scared 6 or 12 or 15 year old who didn’t know where she was going to live and what that would look like. Now I have some experience with taking care of me and maybe some proof that I will be okay and I never really thought that. I thought that I was incapable of any study because I wasn’t able to handle my emotions. I was uncapable of finding a job and keeping it and being focused and loving it and I thought I just couldn’t persevere. Every family birthday I would be so ashamed of myself and I didn’t want to talk about what I was doing. Now, I’m going to be fine. I guess. I guess I really am. Weird ha. So yeah I hope there are other 30 year olds that feel the same, capable and confident and knowing that will somehow always find the strength to carry on. It feels like I just survived it all. Isn’t that also what you celebrate? Just living for another year?

I mean not everyone get’s a long life. I might not either. I don’t know. I guess it might just be nice to grow old with my friends and some family that is left and maybe even meet new people and discover new things I might be good in or enjoy. Life is full of surprises. Bad ones and good ones. I knew I liked growing older. I like it even better and better every year I suppose. I am curious what each year will look like for me.

I guess after all that I have been through, I am lucky. Lucky to live in a country where I can receive therapy or coaching, where I can get medical help and don’t need to worry about the bill. Where I can vote, where I can dress the way I want. Where I can bike, where I am not afraid to walk on the street, where there is a lot of nature, where people are kind and helpful towards me, where I get opportunities, where I can study, where I can dance and sport, where I can learn how to write, where there are libraries and book stores, where the roads are clean, where there are supermarkets within reach of max 15 minutes walking distances, where I can own a dishwasher and a washing machine, where the shower brings me peace and a morning ritual, where I have a bed to rest in and covers to sleep under and a roof over my head. Life really isn’t that bad. I feel no need to relocate or to change my life that much. It is nice to appreciate what you’ve got.

I missed a lot of love growing up, certainty, a figure to look up to, someone to learn from and to grow. I missed out on having the opportunity to stay in one country and feel rooted there and staying connected to all the people there. I missed care and knowing where I would sleep and who would take care of me, I missed confidence, thinking no one really loved me enough. I missed knowing that some people just already have enough on their plate and that they love you but just can’t take care of you and are struggling to take care of themselves. I missed out on living in one town or one city and feeling rooted, somewhere where you belonged. I missed feeling safe. But life isn’t always safe.

But the city that I live in now feels pretty safe. I’m glad to be able to live here and have made friends and that actually being bilingual gave me opportunities. I am glad that I have made many friends and am capable of keeping in touch with family and have a say over where I live and wth who I live. Life is more manageable now and I guess that’s why I like 30. I survived and made it mostly my own. I go to the market because I enjoy it and want to and I get to live in the same city fr over 12 years. That is really something.

I hope that you are having a great time wherever you are and until next time! X

Time flies. Somehow, I feel like writing this blog in Dutch for a change… But I’ll keep it in English for the readers. I’ll possibly write a short piece in Dutch if I feel like it. I am slightly tired but comfy at home with the heating on, the candles on, a cup of tea and jazz music playing. Sometimes the cat is whining, saying: ‘Please, let me out!’.

I was actually reading a very interesting book called ‘The molecule of more’. I got it from one of my students. I teach him Dutch and he studies psychology. I guess it makes sense that he gave me this book. I have never read non-fiction I think. Well, maybe it was damn time hahahaha.

No interesting men in my life so far. I mean plenty, but not to date with. I turned thirty. No boyfriend, husband or kids. My life is filled with friends, family, hobbies, sports. a crazy cat, a crazy cat lady who shares my cat with me, an abundance of food and drinks, live music and performances here and there, celebrations, sad news, friends that I have missed for long that I come back into contact with, friends that I don’t see as much as I used to, but still stay in contact with. Honestly, I find my job as a teacher in the role of an intern quite hard. I am sleep deprived and just celebrating my birthday made life really joyful for a while. I loved receiving birthday wishes. One even from an uncle that I hadn’t spoken to in a while. I really appreciated that. I enjoyed giving two birthday parties. One for friends and one for family. I enjoyed the compliments of where I live. In the middle of the city and surrounded by nature. I guess, lucky me. A lot of birthday presents… Too many gift cards. I am so bad with gift cards. But I might plan a day with a good friend and we’ll go shopping.

It’s nice to hear from others that they enjoyed my party and I am also looking forward to New Years Eve. Two friends who I didn’t expect to come are joining too and that makes me happy! Another thing that made me really happy was Ivayllo who sent me such a beautiful birthday card with many photos of us and telling me how much confidence he had in me for making something good out of my career. That he loved me and pictures of toasties and tea, the things that remind him of me. Even a toastie with a candle on it to celebrate. So cute <3. I guess those four months were special. I can’t believe that just a few months can make such an impact on someone’s life.

Thirty years. That could mean that one third of my life has just gone by. So quickly. I feel like there is so much more to learn. I still feel like a little kid sometimes. Not grown up at all. I mean, I do feel like I have grown in different ways. I can handle more. I might get my degree soon. I am capable of getting up really early in the morning and working. Something I thought I could never do. I am capable of keeping in touch with many friends. I never thought I would have many meaningful connections in my life and people that bring me joy. I never thought that I would throw a birthday party for grown-ups/family and actually enjoy it. I guess I am capable of much more than I thought. I can drive a car, I own one and I drive it early in the morning during rush hour. I prepare lessons and teach. I enjoy talking to students and try to help them out. I am capable of dealing with a lot of feedback. I am grateful for asking for help when it comes to school projects. Omg, I was such a scared kid. So many things have changed. I am still that scared kid but I am so proactive now. I really try to take care of myself and try to show up for others. I do mindfulness nearly every morning. I have written three ‘grateful books’. These are notebooks where I have written three things down that I am grateful for that day.

Maybe I actually have changed that much and I don’t have to be scared of my own emotions anymore. Maybe sometimes that still feel really really overwhelming but I can always figure out a way to deal with them. There is always a new day. Who’d thought I’d grow up this much!

It’s weird. My mom has no idea. No idea at all. Who I am, what I have done, what challenges I have faced. She hasn’t lived through the highs and lows with me for a while now. It makes me sad. Sad that she doesn’t know me at all. My mom stayed that little scared kid. She made her world the world that everyone needed to revolve around until they couldn’t anymore. It’s just such a sad story. She never found peace. Never found the love of her life. Lost contact with her family, was mentally ill. She was just trying to get her life back together by reintegrating into the work life. She managed to take care of me somehow. But the ending of her life was also very dramatic when I look back at it. I never thought what I would know now. But I guess people just sometimes do things because they think it is the best. Maybe she was really really dependent on me and possibly made me quit dependent on her and just felt like I couldn’t live without her. Or she didn’t want to leave me all alone. Afraid of what life would look like for me all alone. But I guess another parent would arrange other plans than the action she took. A more stable healthy parent would react differently. But I guess she wasn’t that parent. Even though she was very loving, kind, caring, charming and endlessly interested in anything you had to say. Man, I really wish her life would have been different. Life is so dark when it isn’t filled with possibilities and love and care and I wish my mother had all the opportunities I have now and that she was actually capable of facing all those opportunities.

I guess I still feel quite uncapable sometimes and expect more from myself but at the same time I should support myself more and appreciate myself for everything that I do. Trying to connect with others and being thoughtful and trying to make an effort when it comes to school work and enjoying sports. Trying to cook where I can with others. I guess I am really really trying. Trying to make the best out of life. I never knew that I was doing that. I thought I was just trying to survive and being as happy as I could be in the meantime.

Turning 30 isn’t that bad. It is actually really fun. Let’s see what happens at 35/40/50. Maybe you enjoy it when you are 50 or 60? We will see. Maybe just try to make the best out of it. Something that I have been working hard for, for the past years. Years of therapy, showing up for hobbies, getting certificates, starting new jobs and keeping a great job, and starting and nearly finishing a study. My god, life has changed so much.

Man, if I could write to my twelve-year-old self: Hey, you’re going to be all right. You will get an orange cat like you always wanted to. You’ll have plenty of lovely friends who care so much about you and love spending time with you. You will have two new moms who will help you out with so many things and they will hug you. They will teach you how to spend your money and they will cook for you. You will drive a car and visit many countries and meet many people. You will return to England and make friends there, you will make a short documentary and short films, plenty of photos, write many blogs and some weird creative and beautiful stories and a few poems, you will have many plants and take care of them and own your own beautiful blue big sofa that you can rest on, you will watch many shows that will make laugh, you will go swimming and enjoy going to parks and play loads of games and you will still play basketball and sometimes a board game, you will kiss many boys, you will love at least one boy, you will enjoy all sorts of views and you never know what life will bring you. More is to come.

What if I knew that at twelve? That I had to go through some dark times at 13, 15, 16, 17 and 19 but that it would get better. That life had been hard at 6, 7, 8 and 9 but that it would get better. And that I chose to make it better. That I was somehow hungry for life and tried my best. That life wasn’t perfect in my early twenties and that 25 really hurt but that I showed perserverance and that I got up and worked for the things I wanted. That I showed up. I showed up for the show that is called life.

And my moms showed up with me. Sometimes there were more present than other times. But I guess that is what it looks like: growing together. Learning. Who would have thought that? A whole new family at 15 and 15 years later they would still be my family. That they gave me new chances, new opportunities, care, love, attention, wise and kinds words. And that it would hurt here and there and that I’d wish for more attention or that I’d feel insecure of whether they cared or loved me but that we always found our ways back to each other.

If you would have told that little 6 or 12 or 15-year-old girl that she would be capable of taking care of herself and did the best she could in life and showed up for the show that we call life, she would have never ever believed you or trusted you. She might have felt encouraged but she would have never felt sure about life and about being able to handle anything that came her way.

Maybe life had just thrown so many unexpected things at her that she learnt how to distrust life of being a safe place or a place that was somehow manageable. Who knew? Who knew? Who knew that life could feel so scary, hopeless, lonely and dark, would turn out to be manageable, happy, filled with love and still lonely, filled with hardships, but that it was manageable.

I hope that life is joyful and manageable for you too wherever you are. Take care! And until next time! X