I always write in English, so that more people can read it. A way of connecting to my readers. Maybe it is also a connection to myself. The first six years of my life I only spoke English.

Hi reader, I am having a hard time. How are you? I hope you are doing well. I guess every human being that is doing well, makes the world a little brighter. Maybe it is something we all need to strive for and help others where we can. That way we make the world a little brighter.

I feel like I have lost my spark a bit. I am constantly negative and scared. At the same time, I am still functioning and trying to give others lessons and help them learn new languages and new words. I try to bond with them. I put up more flyers and I got a reaction. I’ll meet the new ladies tomorrow and see if I can help them.

I find it hard being a teacher in front of a whole classroom. I find it hard sometimes to keep their attention and hard to say no or not to lose my temper. Since I’ll take a lot and then become angry once it’s gotten out of control. I guess that could be handled better. Say no earlier. But I suppose it’s not the easiest thing to do. It’s such a weird thing. Presenting and pushing others do to something they might not want to do. But I guess I am there for them and that I do want to build a relationship with them and that I do want them to succeed. And you need peace and order for that. It feels like I need to be in a role of a dictator sometimes to be able to accomplish that goal. I actually want to be friends with my students, but that isn’t my role. The only thing I can hope for now is that I make progress. Not that every lesson is perfect, but that I see my progress.

It’s hard to get feedback every minute from someone which is constantly negative. It’s just a lot. It makes me feel like I am not making any progress at all. But I actually am. Especially when it is a class I prepared. So my task is to prepare my own lessons. I might even just completely change them. Do what is possible. I can’t do more.

It’s seven more months of teaching. Who knows, I might find a way to enjoy life again. I need to find my light out of the darkness. For me, but also for my friends and family. They enjoy my company but I feel like there is less to give now. But there is, there is. I can talk about the tutoring I do. I think I need my old job back too, which is tutoring. I miss it. I miss it a lot! I miss going to salsa on a Friday. I miss my former housemates and hanging out with them. I am still trying though. To keep up with friendships. But I am a bit more closed off than usual.

I need to tell myself things that went well. I need to be grateful. I need to give myself some self love. And give others love hopefully ❤️.

I hope that wherever you are, you are doing well. Until next time! X

I must say the upcoming months will be hard at times. I sometimes find the days at ‘work’ hard, but honestly, they are becoming better. I find the days at home hard. I find it hard to motivate myself to work and otherwise I find it hard to relax. Relax in a way that brings me joy or rest. I am totally addicted to YouTube and I know it. I’ve known it for a couple of months now. Hmm, okay. It also means that my behaviour has changed. Good thing that I’m inviting friends over a lot and having dinners together. I guess I am a little bit more stable than before. I cried a lot the past two months. Fear is something that I’ll have to overcome in my life and spending too much time in that state. Since you don’t really know what life will bring. Actually at the moment, life isn’t that bad at all. I am cooking, doing the laundry and the dishes, occaisionally hoovering and I’m taking better care of the plants which makes me happy.

I’m not taking care of ‘my’ cat, but I did take responsibility to call up his ‘new’ owner. I know that he is safe and fed. So I guess I am taking responsibiity and I accepted that he has a house where he loves to spend his time. She has loads of time and like Mause, ‘my’ cat. It’s weird, I’ve always wanted a cat and now I’ve just let him go. I’d never thought I would do that. But I guess the circumstances are all right the way they are right now and that makes me okay with that.

Wishing for something doesn’t always mean that later on you still wish for it. Which is scary. But I guess without dreams, goals or desires life would be different. I need energy, motivation and drive and then later on you’ll see how your desires will change I suppose. There is a lot to explore.

I am interested in what I will be curious about in life. But maybe that’s just life. You don’t know. I never knew I’d be swimming or taking salsa classes in London. I never knew I’d be making a documentary. I never knew I’d be writing a story about little trumpet monsters. I never know how many people I’ll meet in my life. Making friends is so special and meeting others. Traveling, spending time with each other. Enjoying food and laughter and deep conversations.

My Italian friend was over last week and I really enjoyed hanging out on the sofa together, falling asleep, going to the market together, enjoying tea, inviting Spanish friends and having interesting conversations about language, food, and lands and heritage. It elevated me. I really enjoyed taking them to a book store and opening up a book about brains and translating it to them. We also had fun talking about birthdays and when people where having the most sex. It was in the book hahaha.

It was fascinating to talk to Irene and hear how Italian culture can mee very masculine and the way women were treated and at the same time how free my friend is. Not what you would expect when it comes to a religion and the freedom of not having to marry or being able to be with whoever you want. My friend was interested in another topic which was confidence. I am listening to a lot of podcast lately on how to live better. One thing that struck out for me was supporting yourself. I am the one getting up every day, showering, making sure I have food, trying to sleep enough, keep myself warm enough. If you are taking care of yourself everyday, might as well support yourself. Instead of bringing yourself down, look yourself in the mirror and give yourself a high five. I do it sometimes now. It makes me laugh. It’s fun. Another way to support myself, and I hope I can get better at this habit once again, is writing down three things that you are grateful for each day. There is so much to be grateful for. I do believe this can have a rippling effect. There is actually scientific proof for elevation of your mood by writing down what you are grateful for.

My friend cried when I told her that she should support herself. I guess it’s just not always that easy. We can blame our parents but we don’t need to tell them everyday. That’s something she taught me too. She saw her brother always complaining to her parents and she doesn’t. I do feel like we can all learn from others. She from me, I from her.

I guess other people do influence your life a lot. But I guess I like a book I found in the library and it’s about autonomy and maybe I should enjoy the days that I can spend in any way I want. I should. It’s my time. Nobody else’s time. I can read, walk, buy tea, maybe even start with yoga again, I can garden if I want to, I can write, I can create cards. I could learn myself a new skill possibly if I wanted to. I can listen to any kind of music I want to listen to. At the same time, I do have a few things I ‘have’ to do. And so, I will.

I hope wherever you are, that you feel some freedom in your life and that you feel a sense of appreciation as much as possible and wishing you the best. Until next time! X

Gotta keep on writing. I made myself a promise. That is to write no matter what. I will do a year of writing. Hopefully somewhere within this year I’ll be graduated. It will become 2024. I’ll vote soon. I might see ‘my’ cat from time to time and well a lot of things will happen that I just have no idea of. That’s life. It happens. You adapt. You grow, you learn. I suppose I try to. I am looking at sociology online. As if I am taking classes in sociology. It’s very interesting. It’s mostly about differences between people and about empathy.

For the rest I’m working on my school project. I’m reading about speaking in English and how to learn new vocabulary. I am also still tutoring. I love to help others one on one with language. I actually also like to prepare a creative lesson and get feedback. My last lesson was on creative writing. Some students absolutely loved it!

For the rest I have been very anxious. I am terrified of my deadline for school and because I am so terrified, it becomes harder to enjoy other things. But somehow I keep on showing up and I try to take care of myself by cooking for others or others cooking for me, eating fruit here and there and also while letting food be delivered choosing it to be a curry. I also mentally try to take care of myself by calling a therapist and we also have a thing called the listening line in the Netherlands where a volunteer will listen to you and might even give you some advise. Physically I try to kickboks every week and do salsa every week. I don’t always succeed but at least I try. Weirdly, I sometimes really critisize myself, but just now, I’m thinking to myself, I’m doing okay.

I am not dating whatsoever. I’m just not interested at the moment. I mean very very very slightly. I just find my school projects much more important at the moment and I don’t want any man showing up and jeopordizing that and how I am feeling. I know myself and I feel like there might be room for dating later in life.

While I’m writing this, I occasionally eat a strawberry, I’ve got the candlelight on and I am listening to upbeat music. Voodoo Babe – Never Dull is currently playing. I honestly never know what I am listening to. It’s just a vibe. VIBING!

I don’t have to move. That’s a relief. I can stay where I am. I guess at least for another year. That’s good. Hopefully even longer. I think I am good where I am at. My neighbour wants to move to Amsterdam. I hope he really does it. It had been a wish for a long time for him. Well, we’ll see what the future will bring us. It’s not set in stone. I guess I am flexible and I do take on things that are healthy for me.

And…. I am turning 30! this year. Big thirty. I guess I still feel the same. The changes are gradual. Grey hair everywhere whahahhaa. A little grey is okay. Dutchies will get that joke. I do enjoy English humor too. I watch Taskmaster. I watch many British shows with comedians. I also watch American comedians online. Soon, I’ll be going to one live. Just a Dutch one. You never know, I might enjoy it. I am also going all the way to Eindhoven to watch a light show. Furthermore, this weekend an Italian friend is coming over. No idea what we will be doing. Might still need to get tickets to a silent disco. Any tips on what to do in Zwollywood?

Hope you are doing well wherever you are and until next time! x