My mind keeps racing. It thinks of all the things that can go wrong. It thinks of all my fears. It’s thinking about disappointment. It fills my head with rage. Just in case I can handle that better. It’s exhausting. I go to bed filled with thoughts and it’s how I wake up. Sometimes this small room feels like an isolation cell. I wasn’t the first person to feel the same way. I remember another exchange student telling me at arrival that she was in shock. I remember another exchange student feeling depressed for a whole week. They say going abroad is fun. But all students experience feeling home sick at some degree. Or just feeling low for one reason or another. Just being in a different country doesn’t make everything automatically better. It is actually more challenging. Well, I thought so.
Now, I am nearly going home and I am terrified. Nothing new under the sun. I am always terrified. When I dance, then I feel free. I might go dancing tonight. Say my goodbyes. Who knows, maybe being back home will be just fine. Mind.. Mind.. Mind…. It plays tricks on you.
I am supposed to be excited about our event today at the pop-up store. Let’s hope I will find the energy again. Usually I do. Luckily, these class mates are very welcoming and friendly. They are always giving me hugs. Complimenting me on my jackets. All three of them. Apparently, when it comes to jackets I have good taste.
Yesterday, there was a moment of feeling proud. My photo book was done. I laid it all out. The cards and envelopes. I even felt so inspired I decided to make more cards with dried flowers.
I should maybe try to cheer myself up. I might be more cheerful for you to read too. I had this beautiful walk with my housemate Ivallyo. He is from Bulgaria. It is nice to have people around you that are also from other countries. He is very calm, friendly and always willing to help you in the printer room for example. We did the same course and his photo book is amazing. He put so much effort into it and it shows. He can be proud of himself. Every time someone gives a compliment about his photo book, I tell them to tell Ivallyo.
It was a beautiful park. Hampstead Heath. There were hills and a beautiful view. It was just lovely to listen for a change. This time Ivallyo told me about his plans, his future and it made me realize that right now was pretty good. That my life was good. I felt calm. I wasn’t thinking about the future. I was listening. I was looking at the world around me and I got Ivallyo in the present moment too. We talked about bees and flowers.
I’ve also been to Sky Garden. Everyone seems to think it is amazing. I wasn’t that impressed. I prefer a park over anything. Over a museum, Starbucks, Sky Garden. I have to confess I had a good time though. It’s always a good time when I am with Theo. He is funny, playful, easy going. He is also scared about going home. He asked me to come to the airport with him. I am flying much later than him. Unfortunately, I had to say no. Airports aren’t the most calming places. I rather take another stroll in the park. He understood. We are both terrified and we just become more hysterical and playful together. It’s good fun.
There is also this beautiful woman named Irene. She is stunning. Our birthdays are on the same day. She is just three years older. When I first heard I was pleasantly shocked. She is always talking about being Sagittarius. It cracks me up. I don’t believe in that stuff. I let my bottle fall down and also my banana and she just went: Sagittarius. I burst out laughing. She loves my laugh. She thinks it’s powerful. It is the same as my mom’s. My aunt will always tell me. You’re just like your mom now. Also, when I cry. Apparently, it is the same way my mom cried. Irene cried. She cried while saying goodbye to me. I held her tight. She told me she was happy to meet me. I told her she was welcome in the Netherlands. She told me I was welcome in Italy. That is good news because I love the sun, the historical buildings and the food. I’m in love with Italy and I would love to see Irene again. Where ever. I love the way she talks with her hands. She is elegant and fun.
Lastly, there was Sarah. She is very friendly. When I told her I wasn’t feeling well she asked me what she could do. I told her a walk in the park. That’s what we did. Hahaha, I am so demanding. Apparently, all I need is good company and a park. Well, it was nice. To listen. It got me a bit out of my head and I tried to put things in perspective. We also sat in a jazz cafe. The cafe where I came in the first week. I studied for my exam there. This time rather than having one of my favourite teas – red bush -, I had an elderflower soda. They don’t have them as much in the Netherlands and I am enjoying it while I can. Just as salt and vinegar crisps. They are not the same in the Netherlands. It was good to also just talk about dogs and about the trees we saw. Here, now. After three hours I was so tired that I told her, I had to go home. But it was good. A good way to spend my time.
Well, now you have a little insight into the back of my head. I hope you are doing well where ever you are. Until next time! I am going to try and continue with this blog once I am home. x