This trip meant meeting my mom. Meeting my dad. Maybe saying hi and goodbye. Maybe just reconnecting. Maybe all those things. Maybe realizing that my mom loved me so much but was also very imperfect. As we all are of course. But I know that I’d like to live my life differently than my mom did. I’d like to be less scared. I’d love to think that the world is a safe place and if I ever have children show them that. Instead of showing them panic. In the end I am who I am and I can change little by little and make some progress and just do what I can. You always do what you can. I must say I am actually really pushing myself.
One of my mothers told me to set boundaries and don’t feel desperate about setting them. She is very right. I am totally experimenting with it already. Just saying I can’t come or that I am leaving early without making it any bigger than it has to be. I can make progress. I can learn. As anyone can.
Maybe I’ll just be fine in the end. Just a woman who is fine in every way. Imperfectly fine. Imperfectly enough. Loveable and capable of giving love. Showing love and forgiveness. Seeing pain and going through it. Showing up. Being tough. Being soft. Being gentle. Everything I always wanted to be. Strong, powerful, vulnerable, loving, kind, stable and the best I can be.
This trip, man. What a trip. What an experience. I don’t know if I changed. If it was for the better. If it was worth the money. But who knows. Maybe I did go through some personal growth. Pain. Confrontation. Learned new skills. Met new people. Saw so many new things. Ate good food and bad food. Enjoyed the sunshine. Hated the grey sky. I just felt everything. Everything that a Dutch girl – uhm, woman – could experience in my own little bubble.
Yesterday we watched all of the documentaries. There was one called sonder and it meant something like the realization that everyone lives an as complicated and vivid life as you. It made me think that I spend a lot of time in my own head with my own thoughts. I can love that place and sometimes feel unsafe in that place. And it’s only my place. There are billions of us with their own little bubble.
This makes me think of mindfulness. I use an app called Headspace every morning. There is this animation called small mind and big mind. Maybe they are talking about sonder just there. And actually, they might include the whole world. Plants and animals included. Who all also have their own little bubble.
My bubble is about to change. Or burst hahaha. Well. I am leaving. One more week. Can you believe it? One more week. Then the adventure is truly over. Back to my own life. Back to reality. Whatever that means. In a way I am very much looking forward to it. Mostly just looking forward to lying in a park by myself with a book. And you know seeing my housemates when I get home. Even if it is shortly and sometimes longer. At some point seeing some friends. I am dreading the fact that I have to choose a new housemate. A luxury problem, I know. I mean there could have been the possibility of no choice. I should be grateful. Which I am and at the same time I am a bit anxious. But who knows, maybe before you know it I get attached to this new human being in our house and this person might be a great addition to our house. And well, we’ll miss our housemate that actually did get attached to us. Luckily, she is just going to live around the corner. So, there are plenty of opportunities to say hi. Life changes. We don’t have control of all the changes that happen. It can be scary. It can be bad. Good. Ugly hahaha. But yeah. We’ll see what life will bring once I am back in the Netherlands.
I got to meet up with one of my classmates from back home. She gave me a clear description of what is coming up for the upcoming years of our study. It actually gave me some peace of mind. For my upcoming internship I could do just one day. This seems very doable. Who knows, I might get the opportunity to be a tutor again at my favourite place in my favourite city.
I might work at an international school one day, at an MBO or I might work in television one day. Or maybe something completely different. Is that the beauty of life? That you don’t know?
Food for thought. Food for thought. I hope you are having an amazing week. I missed Bevrijdingsfestival. Such a bummer. Hope you danced your ass of though. Dancing is the best. I danced at salsa temple yesterday. On the Thursday with all the friendly faces I know from there. It was in a way ‘coming home’. It’s a really safe place for me. With such friendly people. Great music and great dancers. I’ll miss it. I’ve also said goodbye to a few international friends. And the last goodbyes are coming up.
Wish me luck this last week with my last deadline and with saying goodbye. I hope the weather is lovely where ever you are and that you are having a good time. As the song says: Enjoy yourself (It’s later than you think). It’s by Maxine Sullivan, Bob Haggart, Ike Isaacs, Dardanelle and Sil Austin.