I suppose things are going well. I quit my job. Can you imagine? The job that I longed for when I was in London. Before I left London I was so scared to lose this job. I thought it was one of those things that kept me going. Now that I am back it helped me in the first few months, but since I have an internship now, have to travel to school and to a village nearby, have to travel to school, it actually became too much. I didn’t expect that. Neither did I anticipate that Mondays were the busy days. So, I quit my job. It will give me some space to do my homework with a classmate on Sunday and not feel totally burnt out on Monday. It’s started feeling like a full-time job but then all over the place with lots of new faces. I feel like on the one hand it’s lovely that the covid restrictions are gone, but on the other hand, it can be overwhelming how many people I meet in one week. I had to get to know 150 names in one week. It just felt like too much and so I took action. I may be proud of myself. I’ll say my goodbyes soon and bring something typical Dutch: pepernoten. I like them. Tasty.
My stomach hurts. It could be from the raw aubergine my housemate made for me, but it could also be a bit of tension. I usually go and see a therapist. I didn’t see her in a year and somehow I thought that she was the only one that could properly help me out. Turns out that isn’t the case. Maybe my mental health isn’t necessarily dependent on the things I thought it would be. I suppose it starts with having clear goals and a routine. This routine can change of course. I’ve done so much by myself by now. Lived in another country and showed true discipline. That’s what I have learnt over the years: Showing up. Do the work. It’s the easiest in the end.
I think that there are other things that can help me too. Not talking about things that will overwhelm me but giving those subjects space when there is space with the right people. People that I trust, love and feel welcome around. I’d also like to talk to people that have life experience in the same areas as I do.
There is one more thing. There might be no need for despair anymore. Just because I lost a lot along the way doesn’t mean life can’t be beautiful now and in the future. It can be happy and I can feel grateful, hopeful, loving and caring. I’ve got so much going for me.
I may be proud of myself.
I hope you are having a good time wherever you are and until next time! x