I haven’t been here in more than a year.

Big things have changed. I have cut off contact with my foster parents. Whether it was the right decision, I am not sure. Some people are in contact with their biological family, others aren’t. Some tolerate how people behave and others do not. Some are fine with a bit of contact and others are more dedicated.

I haven’t spoken to other foster children but to other adults and not everyone is as happy or content with the contact that they have and some actually are. Content without having contact or very content having contact.

To me none of it seems to make me feel at ease or at peace. With contact I constantly struggle to prove myself of being worthy of being their child and belonging and hopefully doing things and in the hope they will love me or give me attention. They have given me attention and they have also left me hanging quite a bit. It is not consistent which makes it very hard to be okay with not having contact. Maybe a part of me wishes I would have a clear job, a partner and feel very steady to be able to handle the inconsistencies of their love, their attention, their words. It has never been clear to me whether they love me or not. I don’t know how to define our relationship or how to understand it, how to know whether I can rely on them. This could be for going to the hospital or for moving houses, for a performance, celebrating a certificate, a relationship ending, a new job. I never know what the words or actions will be. Will they be encouraging or will they be distant, will they reject contact?

How are you supposed to love someone who sometimes will show up and other times won’t? And it is not as if they are ill or have a lot on their mind. I feel like they might have had their own experiences with upbringing and they do appreciate time by themselves, alone time and they are very independent and this behaviour will not change. They are probably not saying or doing the things they do out of ill will. Sometimes it might be considered selfish. But well, maybe I should learn that more since everybody has a certain amount of energy to spend and you can’t spend it twice.

They did what they did. They showed up how they did and said what they said. It won’t change. Their perception of it won’t change either. Maybe their vulnerability or capability of being able to say they could’ve done better or they will do better probably won’t change either. Which leaves me with the way they are. Inconsistent, harsh, loving, caring, distant, status driven, hard working, funny, clever lesbians living in a world that isn’t always loving towards being a lesbian.

I wish it was different. I wish I felt close to them. But I don’t and I don’t think I ever will. I don’t think I’ll ever truly feel like a part of their family. Feel completely safe. I truly tried to be a part of their family. I really wanted a family. After being an orphan, I longed to belong and still do.

I miss the moments where they would care or would show up or would make me feel safe and taken care of. I miss being able to brainstorm with them about anything really. I miss the times where I did have someone in my corner.

I wish they would’ve let me in. I wish I could have loved them as I love many of my friends. I wish I could do it somehow. I wish it was easier. Maybe family just isn’t as easy and comes with different expectations. I wish I didn’t go through so many things. Moved less, had less boyfriends, had less job and study inconsistencies. I wish my life was a bit steadier. Maybe it would’ve been easier to love me. But honestly, I have had friends who were there for the ride, who I could call and say some days and some moments I have just really really had it and I am full of panic and despair and they wouldn’t leave my side or show much panic when I told them how I felt. They would still be loving, and would keep showing up. Why? Why is that easier? Why does that feel closer? Maybe because we chose each other? Because I had a choice in the matter.

A social worker told me I was dependent on my foster parents and I guess I was. Maybe I am not as dependent on them anymore. They have made me feel lonely a lot of times by not showing up. How am I supposed to keep showing up for people that can’t do the same for me? I want to show love and at the same time protect myself. It seems that I can’t do both. I want to show forgiveness and thankfulness and I also in a way want to be left alone. I want peace. I don’t want their influence and sometimes I wish I could call them but I don’t truly feel like they always want the call. They have told me so and they don’t call me to see how I am doing and they rarely visit. I sometimes felt like the main drive behind the relationship which can work. I have a lot of introverted friends and usually I am the initiator. But the thing is, I just feel so welcome. I feel so loved around my friends. To them it doesn’t matter what job I am doing, how I dress, they still love me. If I make a mistake or choose a relationship I maybe shouldn’t have chosen, no harsh words, but understanding and maybe a nudge in the right way. Maybe that is a real skill. Something that not everyone has and maybe I am also lacking in certain skills.

Because of what they did, I don’t think they are horrible. Sometimes I did, sometimes I even hated them. The rage helped me believe it was for the best, having no contact. But now, I don’t feel as much rage. I just feel a bit lonely. I miss the partially safe haven. I miss the idea of having someone sometimes in my corner. I miss feeling a little protected. I might feel a bit more vulnerable out here is this big ‘bad’ world. Not knowing what is up against me. Maybe that is what my -biological – mom showed, a lot of panic and she just handed it down to me. And there were reasons to panic, she constantly had me moving, also after her death. Sometimes I wonder, like Sherlock Holmes, who is addicted to the thrill, am I addicted to the panic?

I don’t really think so. I just think I have to get adjusted to a new way of living. Less people who I have in my corner. I miss two now and the attached families that came with them. They might feel hurt or pain regarding the separation too. I am sorry. I offered contact. It is their own free will to contact me. So far, not much. Which in a way is a bit telling. I never truly felt safe at those birthdays or gatherings. So much pressure to be a certain way. Well dressed and of course a clear idea of what you are doing with your life and preferably something which meant giving you a high status. It was exhausting. In a way, I sometimes feel this way with strangers. They care about your status. Some do. It just feels so lacking of any real connection.

Some family members loved me for me and I will always love them. Sometimes I feel a little brainwashed by these family members and by society. Telling me education is important, especially higher education and it seems to be that our society as a whole is struggling with that. Maybe in a way I should be grateful not to have to go to these gatherings anymore. My goodness. Not trying to be rude here but let’s just say it did cost me a lot of energy, the sneery comments, the contempt. Sometimes even just the question: ‘What are you doing – job wise, career wise, education wise -.

I’ll have to deal with that, with that they brought that into my life. It will linger, rear it’s ugly head. But I will deal with it. And just calmly writing now, gives me a different perspective. We all die. What will you remember? Probably how someone treated you, how the connection was, how much fun you had. And so. It matters more, the love, than the status. Of course, perseverance, dedication, education can bring you a lot in life.

And I must say, I find myself drinking elderflower drink just like one of them used to make or just once wear a jumper that they gave me or being of the opinion that voting is important, going on a walk with a pet, being interested in all sorts of cuisines, enjoying being on a land, taking care of it, and getting a positive memory and thinking of them. Thinking now, of the way they shaped me. Also positively. It is so easy just to hate them and be like I’m better off without them but I feel like it is much more nuanced which makes it difficult and painful.

I am glad that they found more of my family in Scotland and England. I am glad for certain financial arrangements they made. I am very thankful. In a way, they have taught me to dress nicely and use proper words. They opened up my eyes to gay life. That that is part of being human and belongs in our world. They showed me love through cooking and now I am a cook in a restaurant where I make a six course meal. Man, it makes me sad thinking about this. It’s beautiful and so painful at the same time.

They gave me a home when I didn’t have one and my extended family couldn’t or wouldn’t offer me one. They never completely cut off contact even though I had difficult thoughts. They tried to protect me here and there and sometimes they failed so spectacularly. It was all such a weird mix. A mix of love, contempt, of pain and love.

Is it always better to stay in contact? Our brains are probably wired for reconciliation, for a happy ending, for love and connection. But sometimes it might be hard to maybe maintain the same roles. And if we weren’t mothers and daughter, I wouldn’t know what we would be. I think we would be the same people and maybe depending on circumstances or years passing, different versions of ourselves but if I could be in contact with them, I don’t know. Let’s just say, I don’t feel safe around them. And sometimes, wanting recognition from the person who hurt you, is just going to leave you with more questions and maybe hurt as I once heard in a podcast from Headspace.

I wish it was different but it isn’t. I believe there are more people out there, that feel lonely or abandoned all the time or at times and feel unloved and unprotected. Some are single, some are a child of divorce, some are a child of parents that are addicted or uncaring, some people are a child of a parent who never wanted to become a parent, some of undereducated people and some of highly educated people, some of whom regardless of their status neglected them, and some of very loving parents who are also maybe flawed. I would have loved consisted parents or at least parents where I felt they tried, they tried their utter best. And the thing is, maybe some of all of those parents did. Maybe they tried and came up short. And it is up to the child to deal with it. To become a person of their own and decide how they want to treat others. We are all flawed after all. We can all try therapy but we are probably never fully developed. We are all just human being trying in this universe.

And so, I have to keep trying, living, surviving, striving, growing, hoping, wanting to live for a better day. I wish to do much more mindfulness and not necessarily want more but want peace, contempt, quiet confidence.

I just wish that I knew the answer to not feeling as protected. I haven’t felt much certainty, safety, protection growing up and now? What now? How am I part of the tribe? What’s my role in this life? How do I fit in? Where do I belong?

I’d say with my friends. And maybe in my many roles in work or volunteer work, maybe as a dancer and any other hobby I take up. As a neighbour, a pet care taker. And who knows, maybe one day as a lover.

My friends will help me and I’ll help and protect me. I just have to learn a little bit more, that I have my back and so do others. I know a lot of friends will be very loyal, loving, kind and helpful. Maybe it is time to believe it is enough. I am enough and so are they. Trust myself a bit more. Trust that there is a whole life there to be experienced which will gain me much more opportunities to rely on myself and to love myself and others.

And I thank my foster parents. For doing what they could, for showing up when they did, for the love they showed me, for the things they have taught me and maybe I will continue on my journey of forgiveness and love.

Continue on my journey of self reliance and reliance on others and knowing that even if no one shows up, a stranger will. And that I, well, I will be fine.

I am thankful for my health – which makes me cry, because I probably take it for granted, where a friend of mine who is barely just 30 is struggling with cancer -, I am thankful for all of the love that people have shown me and the help that I have had. I am thankful for the sun, thankful for the rain. Maybe I should be so so so thankful for another day.

For anyone out there struggling, I hope you find peace and thankfulness. I wish you to be thankful for another day. Someone will be thankful that you are still there. Trust me. -Even if it’s just the friendly face at the supermarket, even if it is just a stranger, we are thankful-. So keep going, even though life is sometimes hard. Keep going.