Life is changing. Big changes. I’m growing up and maybe I’m at the point where I’m not an adolescent any more but I am an adult. An adult that makes it’s own decisions.

All right then grown up who wants to depend on themselve and can depend on themselve. What would you like to tell her?

She is doing well. Even though there are so many tough things going on, you are going to work and setting steps to finding a new house and probably are soon going to have another environment. In several ways.

Everything seems to be changing. Except the plants and the cat, the same job, the same library I keep going to and friends who are still in my life. With some I’ve become closer. A lot of relationships are changing. What does that say?

I am I changing? Do I have different needs? Sometimes I feel conflicting feelings about choices and at the same time I don’t choose something on a whim. I carefully write down why I think something needs to be evaluated, what the pros and cons are and I think some more about it. I’ve thought so much for the past few weeks.

I feel like a break. Like going to salsa this evening. I couldn’t go to my dancing lesson yesterday, so maybe today I’ll go dancing.

Somehow in the midst of the storm I don’t feel panic. Sometimes sadness, anger, acceptance, hope and especially a certain surge in energy. A certain energy for life. Wanting to care for myself, wanting and hoping, going after goals, a life energy that feels like I never fully had before. I’ve felt it before but it is as if this feeling has grown. A certain way of saying I’ve got your back. You got it. Go get it. Go grab life. Grab it by it’s horns.

A certain feeling that I can deal with sadness, loss, anger, changes. That I can go for a walk, talk to a friend, draw for a bit, write for a bit and just feel okay. Go to work, teach students and feel like a fish in the water.

Maybe I’m just growing into my own. Really having my back, taking care of myself. Being the captain of my own ship. There were three nights that I didn’t sleep that much. For the rest I am sleeping better. I am knackered though. So many new things that my brain and body can barely keep up. But I am keeping up with it and I am pushing through.

See me go world, see me go. Grab life. Grab it! Go get it! I got it ❤