Here I am. I am still here. Haven’t written on my blog for a while. Just checking in.

Let’s see how I am doing then. Actually weird that the whole world could possibly follow my life. I guess parts of my life, you’d actually have to be a stalker if you wanted to follow every part of my life and even then, you wouldn’t fit into the little stall for the toilet with me, hahaha.

Well, on a more serious note. I am being confronted with letting the grave of my mother go. It has been nearly 20 years that she has been there, which means her bones will be taken away and that spot will be a grave for someone else I believe. I don’t even know where they will take my mothers remains. For me that means, no place to go to say hi and to chat to my mother. No place to be angry at her, no place to be loyal to her, no place to bring her plants. No more yearly ritual.

I must say I don’t like the idea of it. Of her grave being gone. Her stone, her name. But I’ll have to get used to it. I already tried talking to a tree in a park instead of her grave. It wasn’t a success. People walked by, probably thought I was crazy. Dogs walked passed, I felt like I needed to stop talking. It was a bit uncomfortable. Uneasy. I hope to find a new ritual. I was thinking about talking to a candle. But I like going out of the house, going to a huge plant store, buying her a plant, going to a place and coming back again. For my father, I used to think of water. He was always at the other side of the water, which made sense, since he was in England and I was in the Netherlands. Now, I mean, his ashes are scattered in Scotland and I can still visit that place. But for my mom, I feel like there is no place to go.

What does make me think of my mom? Colourful clothes, lots of loud laughter, drawing with pastels, playing games, listening to Elton John/Mariah Carey, playing basketbal, going outside and collecting things that belong to nature. A lot of chatting. Stones, a spiritual stone shop. Maybe I should create a shrine? I don’t like that word. Maybe just a spot in the house with a stone and a candle, possibly with a photo of her, where I can visit and say hello if I want to. I wouldn’t know where to do this. Possibly this can be set up, that it isn’t always there staring me in my face, confronting me with her death, but it is there when I need it and I can put a candle on and talk to her. Maybe that’s not a weird idea. In the privacy of my home. And then I can leave that room, possibly go for a walk or do something else, to let go of the chat.

There are always possibilities. This is how my philosopher friend trained me. Think in options. Well, I must say, I am kind of proud of my solution.

For the rest, there are big life changes. Other big life changes happening. I am living with my boyfriend. He moved to another city for me. He has been living in a Frisian city for nearly whole his life and now he has moved one hour away. To Americans, this sounds really close. But for Dutchies it isn’t super far away but it is also not close. From my city, the furthest city away is three hours, which means our country is tinie tiny and we observe distance in a different way. Everything that is a 15 min bike ride is far away to me. Now that we are living at a new spot, I am biking further distances. Luckily, my boyfriend told me I could use his bike. His super sonic bike, hahaha. Well, it has gears, which is great.

We are getting used to a lot of things. Who is doing which chore, finances, seeing other people and doing hobbies/sports, while still seeing enough of each other, taking care of birds, getting to know neighbours and probably more things. It is a bit challenging and can be stressful at times. Especially moving. Omg, we really argued about a washing machine. We got it fixed though and we talked about it afterwards. We communicate a lot with each other. I feel safe with him <3.

Well, well, well. That might be it for it right now.

I hope you are doing well wherever you are and until next time! X

P.S. Life is full of options, solutions, just got to think about them and talk about them. Take care!