Okaaay, okay okay… So! Here we go. I’ve have set some goals. I am very curious to how it will go. Some dude gave advice on YouTube and also told everyone to do it their own way and so I am. I wrote down goals and it kick started my day. Instead of the complaining I did this morning and watching a clip of a couple fighting on Youtube, I wrote down some goals. Yep, turned the day around. Since the 20 minute talk I had this morning wasn’t very beneficial. She had judgements and so had I and it wasn’t getting any better. ‘She’, just someone on the other line I don’t even know. It makes me wonder if I should call this line less frequently. I mean over the last year it has helped me tremendously and at the same time, so does writing. My therapist is still there but only if I send her a message and we meet up, once a month or less frequently. I am just not sure how beneficial it is anymore but yes maybe I should keep talking to her? Especially since she studied human behaviour and knows how to influence me in a positive way.

Well well well. One of my goals is writing a book and I always thought it would be about me moving and losing my parents and other people understanding me. I guess some comedians do get a fanbase which is niche and close to them. Some people do find the support group they are looking for. I have lovely friends and family members. It’s just that other person or group I would’ve liked to talked to who knows what it is like to feel lonely, unloved, uncared for and not prioritized. But at the same time the dude on Youtube and a very good friend of mine who is a philosopher gave me the advice to forgive your parents. They did what they could with the tools that they had and they don’t have the same tools as I. Well… I just have a little more reflection and processing and forgiving to do since I had many caregivers.

But I am trying. As I get older I am reflecting more and I am trying to see more and to open up to what happened and why it happened. I feel angry and sad. I also feel a bit more like an adult who can take care of herself. And for everyone I need to make peace every time. Accept things, forgive. Let go maybe even. In accept it feels like I have no fight, no say, that I just give in. But maybe I just have to, I really have to let go. Accept that things weren’t perfect and people don’t always think about you. I am becoming less precise with birthdays and feeling more boundaries. Sometimes I am actually focused on my studies. I guess I am having a taste of that you can’t do it all. Sometimes you can’t. Maybe that’s okay. Yup. Haha.

I am holding on to things that happened years ago. Neglect, words, actions. Maybe it is time to grow up. Whatever that means. Maybe it is time to feel a bit more relaxed, less critical. More filled with love, more compassion. more peace.

Why do I just feel so angry? Why do I feel so angry? So critical? Why does everything and everyone have to be better? Maybe it is vulnerability. . Maybe it is not knowing everything and wanting to know more and wanting help but not always receiving it. The song goes ‘Sometimes you get what you want, but not what you need’. I don’t know how that exactly applies to my life but maybe it is time for my own goals.

And so for today I am going to put some shoes on, I am going to clean and I am going to print a few photos and if I have some time left maybe hang up some flyers. Time to get busy.

Then I am going to put on music in the car and just be nice. I want to be nice and have a nice evening. I guess growth is uncomfortable and that is what is happening right now. I am growing and I am learning. Don’t stop, don’t quit. Keep on trying. Life is worth living. Just by being there and trying. I read that in a book. That you learn how to live by living. I like that idea. It gives me comfort.

I should give myself some love too. Even though I wasn’t nice on the phone this morning and the lady wasn’t nice either. My apologies. I hope she is having a good day. I just guess that the past few deaths and my own study and final assignments and going to the hospital to get checked for breast cancer and checked for a kidney disease took it’s toll. And others seem to cope fine. Which isn’t always true but I tend to worry a lot. Worrying for too long is a waste of time said the man on Youtube. My philosopher friend also told me that you should give yourself some rest. Tell yourself that was enough for the day. Give yourself a break. Well, maybe it should be one of my goals. Because man, my head can get lost in unhelpful thoughts.

Welp. TIme, TIME TIME TIME… Haha, to get started and get some fun music on and get busy.

Just something I wanted to say to myself before I get started: You don’t have to be perfect.

I hope you are doing well wherever you are and until next time!