I am terrified. I don’t want to go to the funeral today. I don’t want to do a presentation on Tuesday. I don’t want to see my boyfriend. I don’t even really want to see a friend of mine.

I don’t want to write actually. I put dreamy music on and I associated it with writing and decided it might be good. Writing has always been a good way of reflecting for me. It can bring calm.

I am wondering what other people are up to. How are others feeling? How did other people sleep. Are they nervous? Maybe people in the world are excited? It’s a new day.

Taking life one day at a time. It’s hard when you are terrified and you think you need more answers. Life doesn’t always go the way you’d hope and then unexpectedly things happen that bring you so much joy or calm or you just feel love.

I guess life is not perfect and it never will be. I had my share of suffering and of course there is more to come. Life isn’t just pure bliss. I just don’t want to add too much suffering by worrying. I just really don’t want to anymore. I don’t want to overanalyse. I don’t want to be perfect. I just want to be me. Be there. That’s already a lot. Being there.

Can you imagine not wanting something? Some people wish things not to be as they are so much that they just leave. Do animals kill themselves? I wonder. Are humans the ones that are filled with dark clouds until it gets so dark they can’t see the blue sky anymore? I wonder.

I wonder and ponder.

I wish and I hope.

I worry and I suffer

I think and I fear

I long and I want

But what about now?

Now I am terrified

But actually I am okay

Life has it tough moments. Such as being confronted by death. Being confronted by wishes from others that somehow aren’t fulfilled. ‘You try so hard but you don’t succeed.’ That’s from a song, which one?
You’ve got 10.000 spoons when all you need is a knife’. I am going to listen to that song later. ‘It’s like raasaaaain on your wedding day’. Ironic.

A friend of mine is always telling me that you have to have goals and talking about the art of life. Living it in a way that you make your choices based on the weather. Sometimes I think I focus too much on the storm that is coming and the storm then actually never arrives. It’s going to take time to let go of the storm. But I guess it’s time.

Time to be kind. To be patient. To feel calm. To breathe. What better time than now?

Whoever is reading this, I wish you calm and love. I hope you smile today. Big hugs from the Netherlands. Until next time! X