Today I feel calmer. It is actually nice to go to a school where I can meet colleagues and have nice conversations with students. Honestly, I happy that I didn’t do the presentation. The thing is with me, I don’t want to wing it. I want to be fully prepared. I want the information to be my own and I am discovering that I expect too much of myself. Not that I am necessarily always a perfectionist. But I do want the best of myself, or I’d rather not do it. There is not much in between. You could call that a fear of failing. I never felt much room for failure or much acceptance from my environment just for who I was. As if I wasn’t allowed to exist. I wouldn’t be loved or accepted. It’s not like I loved my environment that much either honestly. I haven’t felt safe that much. I just wish I had that base. A base to come home to. I guess you are supposed to be that yourself. Gosh, that is a hard task. I find it hard at least. And it means that I take criticism very seriously and more harshly than others. While some students don’t even listen or take feedback seriously as I heard other teachers say to each other today. I can’t imagine not taking someone’s feedback serious or not caring about a really bad mark. To me, the world falls apart. Why? I really wish I was different. I don’t want to work that hard anymore. I want to do what I want to do and not just because I am petrified. But maybe after I finished my education it is time to change. 

For now, it’s good old Frances, who can rely on doing her best. Sometimes even trying to sabotage herself by trying to escape her work, since she thinks she can’t do it, but still just doing it. Doing the work and showing up. I’m just not listening to the fear any longer. Weird, I guess. But good. 

I will meet a friend later today and we will go out. That after getting up before 6 and coming home after dark at about 10. Long day. But I enjoyed it. It is nice to hear that other teachers and students would like to have me around. Also, after the summer. I’ll have to see. You never know, maybe just all the grinding might have not been in vain. I just have no clue about what the future will look like. 

I’m finally feeling more okay with the fact that I don’t know what my future will look like. That that will be a quest until I am 70. Looking back, I’ll probably be grateful. To had something to do. To help other people. To be productive. 

I helped at the Open House today. I scored a sweater in my favourite colour. That makes me happy. I helped where I could. I talked to another teacher and told her my worries. She listened really well and was very empathetic. I feel like she gets me and she told me she would like to have me around. I guess I am still just not adjusted to the way there is taught. There is so much freedom, that I sometimes wonder how I am of any help. It makes me feel unvaluable and as if the lesson should be more engaging or I should be more of a policewoman but I am discovering that all the teachers go through the same thing. I don’t know if they feel the same way but students aren’t working on their subject and are doing nothing or working on another subject. Which makes me wonder, what I am doing here? But other teachers accept that it is how it is and that this is the best they can do and they focus on doing one thing correct and that’s enough. I am asking for too much. I know it won’t be much better at a different school. I was thinking about, what if I would teach at my own school? I wouldn’t have much creative freedom when it comes to my lessons since certain work has to be done. But I have seen some lessons that were creative. And the students are more polite. But not every student will be engaged. Hoping that every student will be engaged, and I will be my cheerful and helpful self every day is just not realistic at all. Hmm. It just feels disappointing and unfulfilling. I guess if I were to become an interviewer, the same would happen. At some point I wouldn’t enjoy the interviews I had to do, since my boss says so. The ultimate move is becoming your own boss of course. But then you have to want all of the responsibility and have to have the drive to get out of your house and find clients or interviewees. My own boss. Who knows. I guess, when I can give people lessons about Dutch, I like it very much. Then I am my own boss. There is no one telling me to hurry up, no one telling me how to teach and I bond with my students, and they learn. It is not paying the bills. Yet. 

For now, I just really want to make the best out of it. So, my colleague really liked my idea of making items about anything close by. I hope our students will like it too and that they will like the platform too. I used to work at indebuurt briefly and I truly enjoyed it. I guess it’s nice that my colleague will have a partner in crime for this project too. I hope I am a good partner to her too and that I have the time for it since I have deadlines too but I’d like to help her and I like that she liked my topic so much. 

I also met someone today. I am not sure about what that is going to bring me but I liked meeting that person. It was an open conversation about life and the struggles it brings. Such as studies and work. Trying our best, wanted to work out too. Long days. Early hours. 

Well for today, I had a good one. I hope you are doing good wherever you are and see you next time! X