I am listening to ‘Dreamy Vibes’ on Spotify. It says that it is hypnotic bliss. I don’t know about that but it might be calming. Or annoying or maybe I am just simply annoyed. Frustrated, scared. Well and then a second later I just laughed because a man fell from a short flight of stairs. He’s fine. He continued his conversation on the phone, very casually.

It’s dark outside. It has been a rainy day. I haven’t been productive at all. I actually really hate myself. Not every day and I mean I can love myself but I’m just not focusing on the positive things at the moment. A new made friend in the library is a light in the day though and he invited me over for dinner next week. I hope we will enjoy our time.

Scared little stupid shit. That’s what I feel like. Unable to just listen to others or stand up for myself without crying. For others I’d stand up for them. I know I do that since I’ve seen myself do it. Physically and mentally and I’m learning to do it for myself too. I’ve done it many times before and sometimes I’m just a little bit too late.

Like last week. I dated someone. He wasn’t right for me and I knew it. I kept complaining on the listening line – a phone number you can call and a random person will listen to you – and I complained to a friend of mine. At the beginning they mostly said I should wait. Well, I wish I didn’t. It wasn’t making me or him happy. He wasn’t the best at communicating and it made me scared. I didn’t feel safe. I finally said that I didn’t feel safe since he was unpredictable and that was the last straw. It hurt though. I guess I didn’t feel accepted with all my feelings and I guess I couldn’t fully love him for who he was either. He’ll probably be fine since he was happier without me like he said. I mean I just want a partner. But honestly I do want a partner that suits me. But something or someone that distracts me from my horrible school life would have been welcome too.

I hate it. I hate school so much. And here I am. Thirty. Probably privileged because I can go to school and here I am hating it. I don’t want any schoolproject any longer. I don’t want any feedback. I don’t want to feel insecure. I don’t want to stand in front of a classroom full of teenagers who sometimes aren’t respectful. I don’t want to hear every little detail of what I can do better. I don’t want to be a teacher at all. And here I am. Finishing this god damn stupid education of becoming an English teacher. I mean I even stopped re reading my texts here which is funny because I guess people expect my English to be perfect. Well, it isn’t and that’s the way it is. Maybe I’ll start checking it again and maybe I won’t. It won’t keep me up at night.

I love tutoring though and I like one on one time that I spend with students. I like listening to them and bonding with them and helping them out. This is why I went back to my old job where they pay me less than minimum wage but I love it there and I feel safe there and I like the students there.

I wish I was someone filled with hope and who knew what to do. I find it so painful to need to have a vocation, a passion, a safe heaven, something fulfilling. It’s exhausting. And I just realized this will go on until I’m about 70. Then I get to retire. At the same time I thought it was reassuring since it means I’ll keep on doubting myself and not knowing which direction to go in and I’ll have several jobs. Some of which I like and some I won’t. So, there’s nothing new under the sun, which makes me think: why worry at all?

I also hate turning 30. I mean I’m glad I made it an all. But the future gives me so much anxiety. A husband, a child? Isn’t that supposed to be fulfilling, take all my loneliness away? It won’t. I’ll be the same emotional complaining, scared monster that I am now. Calling myself a monster actually brings tears to my eyes. I don’t deserve that. Well, I don’t know what I deserve but I know that it isn’t helpful. I just really don’t like where my head goes. It’s been so negative for so many years and it is just exhausting. I hate feeling unsafe and unsure and maybe even a bit unloved. Unprioritised is what it is. Since I know I am loved. But I actually have stopped liking living on my own. It stopped when I switched internships. I had hope of working somewhere that I felt at home, with the other teachers and the others students. They were calm and respectful and not hard or tough or confrontational. I guess I saw myself in most of them. People were just a bit more soft? I don’t know soft has a negative connotation for me. But I didn’t feel pressured to be something that I am not and people actually listened to each other during meetings and it made me feel safe. I cared about others there. The students and the teachers. I went to student’s projects on my own time and volunteered to take over the tutoring class. I was a nice, safe, creative space.

Now I am working somewhere where it isn’t too bad. But I just feel a bit disconnected and I guess I feel disconnected when I come home too. And then I just feel hopeless since I won’t work there and now I just don’t know where I will fit in I guess. What my added value can be and where I’ll feel safe. Maybe I would like to be part of a team. Maybe I want to start volunteering again. It can be fun and can make me feel connected.

I guess I don’t necessarily feel a disconnect with the job as a teacher but just maybe a certain safe place and colleagues are very important to me. Luckily I am having more and more conversations with colleagues now than at the beginning. I am not getting a fair pay but I knew that at the beginning. At least they are going to compensate a little bit for my travel expenses. I just wish I was tougher but I guess a lot of people can feel scared and hopeless. I just have to remember there is a light in me and there will be a place where I can bloom. Thrive.

For now I am supposed to be inspired by my environment and write portfolio’s about it and then take in all the feedback. It’s overwhelming. Don’t we all feel overwhelmed sometimes? Shouldn’t I be grateful? Grateful that I get to be overwhelmed by schoolwork? By feedback, by people who want to see me grow? Or are giving me advice on how to grow. I don’t know. Maybe I should. Maybe somewhere I do see it. That it is a learning experience and somehow an opportunity. I guess an opportunity not many get. Maybe I am growing even though I don’t see it. Maybe it is growth pain.

I hope you are doing well wherever you are and until next time! X