I found music on Spotify and the theme is dreamy. I guess I needed to relax for a bit and needed to reflect. Since this morning I know that I’m sick. No wonder I fell asleep in the car yesterday than. On the highway. I nearly had an accident. I am not taking the car that far in the near future. Thankfully, we have a good train system in the Netherlands. It’s extremely expensive. So, I have been thinking on how to actually manage the upcoming months. I’ve donated to a charity for nearly six years now and decided to stop that. At least temporarily. Let’s see what will happen this summer. I really hope I graduate and I am just so curious what my life will look like in the summer. And after summer too. I’m curious whether I’ll be searching for a new job soon and maybe a new home? I’ve always found the future scary but it is good to know that I’ve got my back and somehow I’ve always made it work. It gives me a sense of confidence. That I can survive and maybe even thrive.

I like that I am good keeping up with all of my friends and family. I enjoyed celebrating my birthday. I enjoy having parties. I enjoy having people over for New Year’s Eve. I am a very loyal friend. Who knew I was caoable of all f this? That just one trip to the Netherlands can alter your life of having a friendship for years. That just one course meant having a real close relationship and someone knowing you to the bone and just completely accepting you for who you are. It’s nice that I make so many new friends and that I am capable of keeping in touch with them. If that all exists, than you would think there is a partner out there for me too. Maybe next year in the summer I’l start looking around. 

Who knew I could be dependable and calm and have boundaries that work for me and for others? Who knew I could teach others? Who knew I was capable of telling others what my needs are? Who knew I could listen to others but not having to solve all of their problems? Who’d knew that I would grow and become an adult that still makes mistakes but tries to fix them and takes responsibility and shows up and does the work that needs to be done? Who knew I could bring so much light into other people’s lives? So much joy? That I could take such interest in others? And that it wasn’t temporarily but for the long run. For a lot of people in my life it means, once you found me, I’m there for the ride. And maybe sometimes just seeing each other from time to time.

The weakest link in my life has been romance, boys, sex. I treated them as if they could fill a void in my life. The void of loneliness, the void of having nothing to do, the void of missing a mother or maybe even having enough friends or a purpose. A boy used to be everything. I needed a boy to stay afloat. Any boy really. I mean i was somehow interested and with most of them it was my choice. Some I regret. Most of them were okay. One was pretty great. He was a friend. I enjoyed our time together. He didn’t have that much to offer. But he gave me peace and love and was up for anything I suggested. It was a light for me. Something that made me happy during the week. Now several things make me happy, salsa, kickboxing, eating with friends, helping out a student, hanging out in a library, I never knew life could be so full of pleasantries. I guess I should be grateful. Grateful that I made it all happen. It’s takes action and dedication and energy. Life and enjoyment of life doesn’t just come knocking at your door. I am grateful that my moms once helped me pick out new hobbies and made me sign up. Grateful for therapy that I received and learnt how to set goals and reflect on them.

It’s weird to think I’ll be okay. I never really thought that I would. People ask me how do you feel now that you are 30? And I say great! And I mean it. I mean I still don’t know about the whole husband/children situation but I don’t have the time right now. Maybe in the summer and it’s just not something I have that much control over. I have some influence and we’ll see how that goes. But for the rest turning 30. The expectation of having a great job isn’t there yet either but I don’t need a job to show off and I know I’ll make it work. So yeah. Life might just be beautiful anyway. I guess I got more out of it than I expected anyways. Maybe that is why I am so happy. Somebody told me I already had my midlife crisis. I guess so. I went through enough crises to know what darkness actually is. And turning 30 just means I made it. In a way it just feels like I don’t have to be the sad ‘I don’t know what to do with my life and everything is hopeless 20-year-old’. Or scared 6 or 12 or 15 year old who didn’t know where she was going to live and what that would look like. Now I have some experience with taking care of me and maybe some proof that I will be okay and I never really thought that. I thought that I was incapable of any study because I wasn’t able to handle my emotions. I was uncapable of finding a job and keeping it and being focused and loving it and I thought I just couldn’t persevere. Every family birthday I would be so ashamed of myself and I didn’t want to talk about what I was doing. Now, I’m going to be fine. I guess. I guess I really am. Weird ha. So yeah I hope there are other 30 year olds that feel the same, capable and confident and knowing that will somehow always find the strength to carry on. It feels like I just survived it all. Isn’t that also what you celebrate? Just living for another year?

I mean not everyone get’s a long life. I might not either. I don’t know. I guess it might just be nice to grow old with my friends and some family that is left and maybe even meet new people and discover new things I might be good in or enjoy. Life is full of surprises. Bad ones and good ones. I knew I liked growing older. I like it even better and better every year I suppose. I am curious what each year will look like for me.

I guess after all that I have been through, I am lucky. Lucky to live in a country where I can receive therapy or coaching, where I can get medical help and don’t need to worry about the bill. Where I can vote, where I can dress the way I want. Where I can bike, where I am not afraid to walk on the street, where there is a lot of nature, where people are kind and helpful towards me, where I get opportunities, where I can study, where I can dance and sport, where I can learn how to write, where there are libraries and book stores, where the roads are clean, where there are supermarkets within reach of max 15 minutes walking distances, where I can own a dishwasher and a washing machine, where the shower brings me peace and a morning ritual, where I have a bed to rest in and covers to sleep under and a roof over my head. Life really isn’t that bad. I feel no need to relocate or to change my life that much. It is nice to appreciate what you’ve got.

I missed a lot of love growing up, certainty, a figure to look up to, someone to learn from and to grow. I missed out on having the opportunity to stay in one country and feel rooted there and staying connected to all the people there. I missed care and knowing where I would sleep and who would take care of me, I missed confidence, thinking no one really loved me enough. I missed knowing that some people just already have enough on their plate and that they love you but just can’t take care of you and are struggling to take care of themselves. I missed out on living in one town or one city and feeling rooted, somewhere where you belonged. I missed feeling safe. But life isn’t always safe.

But the city that I live in now feels pretty safe. I’m glad to be able to live here and have made friends and that actually being bilingual gave me opportunities. I am glad that I have made many friends and am capable of keeping in touch with family and have a say over where I live and wth who I live. Life is more manageable now and I guess that’s why I like 30. I survived and made it mostly my own. I go to the market because I enjoy it and want to and I get to live in the same city fr over 12 years. That is really something.

I hope that you are having a great time wherever you are and until next time! X