Time flies. Somehow, I feel like writing this blog in Dutch for a change… But I’ll keep it in English for the readers. I’ll possibly write a short piece in Dutch if I feel like it. I am slightly tired but comfy at home with the heating on, the candles on, a cup of tea and jazz music playing. Sometimes the cat is whining, saying: ‘Please, let me out!’.

I was actually reading a very interesting book called ‘The molecule of more’. I got it from one of my students. I teach him Dutch and he studies psychology. I guess it makes sense that he gave me this book. I have never read non-fiction I think. Well, maybe it was damn time hahahaha.

No interesting men in my life so far. I mean plenty, but not to date with. I turned thirty. No boyfriend, husband or kids. My life is filled with friends, family, hobbies, sports. a crazy cat, a crazy cat lady who shares my cat with me, an abundance of food and drinks, live music and performances here and there, celebrations, sad news, friends that I have missed for long that I come back into contact with, friends that I don’t see as much as I used to, but still stay in contact with. Honestly, I find my job as a teacher in the role of an intern quite hard. I am sleep deprived and just celebrating my birthday made life really joyful for a while. I loved receiving birthday wishes. One even from an uncle that I hadn’t spoken to in a while. I really appreciated that. I enjoyed giving two birthday parties. One for friends and one for family. I enjoyed the compliments of where I live. In the middle of the city and surrounded by nature. I guess, lucky me. A lot of birthday presents… Too many gift cards. I am so bad with gift cards. But I might plan a day with a good friend and we’ll go shopping.

It’s nice to hear from others that they enjoyed my party and I am also looking forward to New Years Eve. Two friends who I didn’t expect to come are joining too and that makes me happy! Another thing that made me really happy was Ivayllo who sent me such a beautiful birthday card with many photos of us and telling me how much confidence he had in me for making something good out of my career. That he loved me and pictures of toasties and tea, the things that remind him of me. Even a toastie with a candle on it to celebrate. So cute <3. I guess those four months were special. I can’t believe that just a few months can make such an impact on someone’s life.

Thirty years. That could mean that one third of my life has just gone by. So quickly. I feel like there is so much more to learn. I still feel like a little kid sometimes. Not grown up at all. I mean, I do feel like I have grown in different ways. I can handle more. I might get my degree soon. I am capable of getting up really early in the morning and working. Something I thought I could never do. I am capable of keeping in touch with many friends. I never thought I would have many meaningful connections in my life and people that bring me joy. I never thought that I would throw a birthday party for grown-ups/family and actually enjoy it. I guess I am capable of much more than I thought. I can drive a car, I own one and I drive it early in the morning during rush hour. I prepare lessons and teach. I enjoy talking to students and try to help them out. I am capable of dealing with a lot of feedback. I am grateful for asking for help when it comes to school projects. Omg, I was such a scared kid. So many things have changed. I am still that scared kid but I am so proactive now. I really try to take care of myself and try to show up for others. I do mindfulness nearly every morning. I have written three ‘grateful books’. These are notebooks where I have written three things down that I am grateful for that day.

Maybe I actually have changed that much and I don’t have to be scared of my own emotions anymore. Maybe sometimes that still feel really really overwhelming but I can always figure out a way to deal with them. There is always a new day. Who’d thought I’d grow up this much!

It’s weird. My mom has no idea. No idea at all. Who I am, what I have done, what challenges I have faced. She hasn’t lived through the highs and lows with me for a while now. It makes me sad. Sad that she doesn’t know me at all. My mom stayed that little scared kid. She made her world the world that everyone needed to revolve around until they couldn’t anymore. It’s just such a sad story. She never found peace. Never found the love of her life. Lost contact with her family, was mentally ill. She was just trying to get her life back together by reintegrating into the work life. She managed to take care of me somehow. But the ending of her life was also very dramatic when I look back at it. I never thought what I would know now. But I guess people just sometimes do things because they think it is the best. Maybe she was really really dependent on me and possibly made me quit dependent on her and just felt like I couldn’t live without her. Or she didn’t want to leave me all alone. Afraid of what life would look like for me all alone. But I guess another parent would arrange other plans than the action she took. A more stable healthy parent would react differently. But I guess she wasn’t that parent. Even though she was very loving, kind, caring, charming and endlessly interested in anything you had to say. Man, I really wish her life would have been different. Life is so dark when it isn’t filled with possibilities and love and care and I wish my mother had all the opportunities I have now and that she was actually capable of facing all those opportunities.

I guess I still feel quite uncapable sometimes and expect more from myself but at the same time I should support myself more and appreciate myself for everything that I do. Trying to connect with others and being thoughtful and trying to make an effort when it comes to school work and enjoying sports. Trying to cook where I can with others. I guess I am really really trying. Trying to make the best out of life. I never knew that I was doing that. I thought I was just trying to survive and being as happy as I could be in the meantime.

Turning 30 isn’t that bad. It is actually really fun. Let’s see what happens at 35/40/50. Maybe you enjoy it when you are 50 or 60? We will see. Maybe just try to make the best out of it. Something that I have been working hard for, for the past years. Years of therapy, showing up for hobbies, getting certificates, starting new jobs and keeping a great job, and starting and nearly finishing a study. My god, life has changed so much.

Man, if I could write to my twelve-year-old self: Hey, you’re going to be all right. You will get an orange cat like you always wanted to. You’ll have plenty of lovely friends who care so much about you and love spending time with you. You will have two new moms who will help you out with so many things and they will hug you. They will teach you how to spend your money and they will cook for you. You will drive a car and visit many countries and meet many people. You will return to England and make friends there, you will make a short documentary and short films, plenty of photos, write many blogs and some weird creative and beautiful stories and a few poems, you will have many plants and take care of them and own your own beautiful blue big sofa that you can rest on, you will watch many shows that will make laugh, you will go swimming and enjoy going to parks and play loads of games and you will still play basketball and sometimes a board game, you will kiss many boys, you will love at least one boy, you will enjoy all sorts of views and you never know what life will bring you. More is to come.

What if I knew that at twelve? That I had to go through some dark times at 13, 15, 16, 17 and 19 but that it would get better. That life had been hard at 6, 7, 8 and 9 but that it would get better. And that I chose to make it better. That I was somehow hungry for life and tried my best. That life wasn’t perfect in my early twenties and that 25 really hurt but that I showed perserverance and that I got up and worked for the things I wanted. That I showed up. I showed up for the show that is called life.

And my moms showed up with me. Sometimes there were more present than other times. But I guess that is what it looks like: growing together. Learning. Who would have thought that? A whole new family at 15 and 15 years later they would still be my family. That they gave me new chances, new opportunities, care, love, attention, wise and kinds words. And that it would hurt here and there and that I’d wish for more attention or that I’d feel insecure of whether they cared or loved me but that we always found our ways back to each other.

If you would have told that little 6 or 12 or 15-year-old girl that she would be capable of taking care of herself and did the best she could in life and showed up for the show that we call life, she would have never ever believed you or trusted you. She might have felt encouraged but she would have never felt sure about life and about being able to handle anything that came her way.

Maybe life had just thrown so many unexpected things at her that she learnt how to distrust life of being a safe place or a place that was somehow manageable. Who knew? Who knew? Who knew that life could feel so scary, hopeless, lonely and dark, would turn out to be manageable, happy, filled with love and still lonely, filled with hardships, but that it was manageable.

I hope that life is joyful and manageable for you too wherever you are. Take care! And until next time! X