I always write in English, so that more people can read it. A way of connecting to my readers. Maybe it is also a connection to myself. The first six years of my life I only spoke English.

Hi reader, I am having a hard time. How are you? I hope you are doing well. I guess every human being that is doing well, makes the world a little brighter. Maybe it is something we all need to strive for and help others where we can. That way we make the world a little brighter.

I feel like I have lost my spark a bit. I am constantly negative and scared. At the same time, I am still functioning and trying to give others lessons and help them learn new languages and new words. I try to bond with them. I put up more flyers and I got a reaction. I’ll meet the new ladies tomorrow and see if I can help them.

I find it hard being a teacher in front of a whole classroom. I find it hard sometimes to keep their attention and hard to say no or not to lose my temper. Since I’ll take a lot and then become angry once it’s gotten out of control. I guess that could be handled better. Say no earlier. But I suppose it’s not the easiest thing to do. It’s such a weird thing. Presenting and pushing others do to something they might not want to do. But I guess I am there for them and that I do want to build a relationship with them and that I do want them to succeed. And you need peace and order for that. It feels like I need to be in a role of a dictator sometimes to be able to accomplish that goal. I actually want to be friends with my students, but that isn’t my role. The only thing I can hope for now is that I make progress. Not that every lesson is perfect, but that I see my progress.

It’s hard to get feedback every minute from someone which is constantly negative. It’s just a lot. It makes me feel like I am not making any progress at all. But I actually am. Especially when it is a class I prepared. So my task is to prepare my own lessons. I might even just completely change them. Do what is possible. I can’t do more.

It’s seven more months of teaching. Who knows, I might find a way to enjoy life again. I need to find my light out of the darkness. For me, but also for my friends and family. They enjoy my company but I feel like there is less to give now. But there is, there is. I can talk about the tutoring I do. I think I need my old job back too, which is tutoring. I miss it. I miss it a lot! I miss going to salsa on a Friday. I miss my former housemates and hanging out with them. I am still trying though. To keep up with friendships. But I am a bit more closed off than usual.

I need to tell myself things that went well. I need to be grateful. I need to give myself some self love. And give others love hopefully ❤️.

I hope that wherever you are, you are doing well. Until next time! X