I must say the upcoming months will be hard at times. I sometimes find the days at ‘work’ hard, but honestly, they are becoming better. I find the days at home hard. I find it hard to motivate myself to work and otherwise I find it hard to relax. Relax in a way that brings me joy or rest. I am totally addicted to YouTube and I know it. I’ve known it for a couple of months now. Hmm, okay. It also means that my behaviour has changed. Good thing that I’m inviting friends over a lot and having dinners together. I guess I am a little bit more stable than before. I cried a lot the past two months. Fear is something that I’ll have to overcome in my life and spending too much time in that state. Since you don’t really know what life will bring. Actually at the moment, life isn’t that bad at all. I am cooking, doing the laundry and the dishes, occaisionally hoovering and I’m taking better care of the plants which makes me happy.

I’m not taking care of ‘my’ cat, but I did take responsibility to call up his ‘new’ owner. I know that he is safe and fed. So I guess I am taking responsibiity and I accepted that he has a house where he loves to spend his time. She has loads of time and like Mause, ‘my’ cat. It’s weird, I’ve always wanted a cat and now I’ve just let him go. I’d never thought I would do that. But I guess the circumstances are all right the way they are right now and that makes me okay with that.

Wishing for something doesn’t always mean that later on you still wish for it. Which is scary. But I guess without dreams, goals or desires life would be different. I need energy, motivation and drive and then later on you’ll see how your desires will change I suppose. There is a lot to explore.

I am interested in what I will be curious about in life. But maybe that’s just life. You don’t know. I never knew I’d be swimming or taking salsa classes in London. I never knew I’d be making a documentary. I never knew I’d be writing a story about little trumpet monsters. I never know how many people I’ll meet in my life. Making friends is so special and meeting others. Traveling, spending time with each other. Enjoying food and laughter and deep conversations.

My Italian friend was over last week and I really enjoyed hanging out on the sofa together, falling asleep, going to the market together, enjoying tea, inviting Spanish friends and having interesting conversations about language, food, and lands and heritage. It elevated me. I really enjoyed taking them to a book store and opening up a book about brains and translating it to them. We also had fun talking about birthdays and when people where having the most sex. It was in the book hahaha.

It was fascinating to talk to Irene and hear how Italian culture can mee very masculine and the way women were treated and at the same time how free my friend is. Not what you would expect when it comes to a religion and the freedom of not having to marry or being able to be with whoever you want. My friend was interested in another topic which was confidence. I am listening to a lot of podcast lately on how to live better. One thing that struck out for me was supporting yourself. I am the one getting up every day, showering, making sure I have food, trying to sleep enough, keep myself warm enough. If you are taking care of yourself everyday, might as well support yourself. Instead of bringing yourself down, look yourself in the mirror and give yourself a high five. I do it sometimes now. It makes me laugh. It’s fun. Another way to support myself, and I hope I can get better at this habit once again, is writing down three things that you are grateful for each day. There is so much to be grateful for. I do believe this can have a rippling effect. There is actually scientific proof for elevation of your mood by writing down what you are grateful for.

My friend cried when I told her that she should support herself. I guess it’s just not always that easy. We can blame our parents but we don’t need to tell them everyday. That’s something she taught me too. She saw her brother always complaining to her parents and she doesn’t. I do feel like we can all learn from others. She from me, I from her.

I guess other people do influence your life a lot. But I guess I like a book I found in the library and it’s about autonomy and maybe I should enjoy the days that I can spend in any way I want. I should. It’s my time. Nobody else’s time. I can read, walk, buy tea, maybe even start with yoga again, I can garden if I want to, I can write, I can create cards. I could learn myself a new skill possibly if I wanted to. I can listen to any kind of music I want to listen to. At the same time, I do have a few things I ‘have’ to do. And so, I will.

I hope wherever you are, that you feel some freedom in your life and that you feel a sense of appreciation as much as possible and wishing you the best. Until next time! X