If you lose both your grandparents, your parents and maybe even a possibility to a child all by the age of 25 how do you go on? How do you still feel hope? How do you not feel lonely? Honestly, sometimes I just lose it. I am stuck in the tornado and it feels like there is no way out. No light at the end of the tunnel. As if no one will ever love me just for who I am. A partner I mean. Who will take me at my best and worst. Because man, the lows are low. They have been low since I was twelve and lost my mom. I found her lying on the floor. I gave her mouth to mouth. I put water in her mouth. She was dead. Gone. By that time I had already lived in a orphanage and had to learn a whole new language by myself. I was rejected by a foster family, my grandparents apparently couldn’t take care of me either. I had it. I just had it by the age of 12. I became suicidal. And honestly the thoughts have never stopped. What do you do when you are twelve, have no parents, no brothers or sisters and no idea where you are going to sleep that night? You are stuck at a police station and you have no idea where you’ll sleep. Yes, and every time you move once again, family, friends and finally a foster home you just feel like you don’t belong. You don’t look like them and you don’t get the mannerisms. You adjust. You put a part of yourself away. You think you have to smile the whole time or otherwise there will be no roof above you head. It’s just one trauma after another. How do you cope? I am studying at the age of 28. People don’t understand. Well, I do. I am a late bloomer. Why you say? Because of all of the shit. The trauma. Because lack of love, lack of care, lack of base. Loneliness, depression. Not even understanding your emotions. Now, I finally do. I look back at my past and think: oh that is what happened. I just wasn’t taken care of. My mom just put me into this world with no indication if she actually had it in her to take care of me. I had to take care of her. She had a manic depression and psychotic episodes. She would see things that weren’t there. I would have to show her the way home. I would have to tell her to take her medicine when I had the lovely age of 9 and she just didn’t want to become fat of the medicine. I gave this advice while I was living in an orphanage. When was there ever time for me? To become my own person? To even know what that is? Who I am supposed to look up to? Where do I belong? Who is my family? My family is dead. Dead. Gone. I am left. Here. All by myself. I have no partner and no hope of really finding one and having my own family one day. Who knows, you never know. I might find a wonderful partner who loves me for who I am and I still have my foster parents who just love me for who I am. I have lovely friends who love me for who I am. I just never ever want to be mistreated the way I have been. I don’t want the door to be shut in my face because I show my vulnerability and I don’t want anyone to take advantage of the vulnerability either. You can’t just touch women because you want to. There is a thing called consent. There are just so many traumas floating around that I just am left with feeling overwhelmed. And on top of all of it I feel lonely in the experience. Where is that other person who knows how to be mistreated, unloved, alone, used, hopeless? People would have loved to give me love and they really gave me all they had. I really do know this and I do feel empathy but if I look at that little kid I do feel for her too. When is it time for the fairy tale for this girl? When can she finally feel safe? Welcome? Loved? Where is her happy ever ending?
I suppose I have to write the ending. It’s my life and I have influence on my life. I love my study. I love my work. I love helping others with their struggle in learning a new language. Something I barely had. Guidance in learning a new language. We aren’t alone. We are beings that are interconnected. We need each other. We may be as individualistic as we like but I really think we need each other to survive. For love, for safety, help. I am not alone and at the same time I guess I am becoming an adult. An adult who has boundaries. My own life, my wishes who are to be heard. You may say: I did it my way. Let’s hope that will be true. That I will take the steering wheel and try to influence my life in the right direction. There was so much sorrow I had to go through and I am still grieving. But there is hope. Come on kiddo, give yourself a cuddle. You have to go on and stay strong. Don’t give up because life is filled with beautiful pearls. Pearls of wisdom and laughter. You never know when luck will strike. I am going to become 80 and life will throw shit at you and lovely things along the way. That is what life is. I know it. I have been through it. Let’s hope I’ll grow old and become a mentor and a teacher for others and influence their lives in a positive way. That is exactly what I am doing right now. I am stimulating housemates to travel, to sport, to date and to get out of their comfort zone. What kind of stimulation would I like to have? Chill out Fran, it’s going to be okay. I suppose that’s the way it is with orphans. They lose hope. They are always looking around the corner. What shit is next? I am next. My life is next. I am strong and I will deal with the shit. I’ll face it. And I want to treat myself with kindness and others. Be that mentor you missed, the brother, the sister, the mother, the father, the teacher you missed in your life, show others that you are there. I am very loyal. I would never want someone else to feel lonely. I suppose sometimes people do choose themselves and maybe I should too but I am not sure about this just yet. Maybe I will always show up but not if it crosses a line for me. This is boundaries. A topic for everyone until we die I think. Plenty of time to practise.
I hope you are having a good time wherever you are and until next time! X